Americana Panorama, Part 2

So, where was I? Ah yes, on my way back to Frederick (some three-plus weeks after the original trip, due to car problems and an install-proof CD player). This time around, it's partly so I can see a former PD of mine who now calls Fred-neck home. Unlike last time, I made sure I had more than enough time to do everything I wanted to do, as the first time I went, I proclaimed upon buying my new CD player that I had "just enough time to get back home". You should never say this, it is a recipe for disaster. Sure enough, there was an 18 wheeler off the road on I-81 just north of Hagerstown, and needless to say I was late for front desk duty at the good ol' Y.

After meeting up with the ex-boss at his radio station (classic small-market look, reminded me of the olden days at Sunbury Broadcasting, up on top of a hill, right next to the towers, the offices and studios crammed together in one small building), we drop off the Passat at Best Buy, and it's off to see his new digs. Naturally, on the way I got to see where I messed up and got lost the first time (mental note: stick to the main roads, if it looks like an expressway, take it). Then, it's into a maze of housing developments, circling off from US 15 in a seemingly endless pattern. I am later informed that in just a few years, this whole huge tract of former farmland will be houses. The first thing I think is "wow, has this place been Cincinnatied (hee hee, got to use it again)", and the next is that I kinda feel sorry for the farmer who had to sell out. Suburban sprawl does often come with a price.

We pull up to the nicest freakin' house I have ever seen in my life. The guy lives in a PALACE!!! Well, not quite, but when you grow up in the "slums" of modern-day upstate New York suburbia, by comparison, it's a palace. They had to be the first owners of this place, couldn't be more than a year old. Folks, this is the American dream, just replace the white picket fence with a brownish, more natural wood tone (looks more modern, don't ya know).

Well, the story trails off from there, we eat lunch and I eventually get my car back (earlier than I thought) and go home. I'm not much of a "world traveler", so to speak, but seeing new things is always an exciting experience for me. I have joked sometimes that I go places just to say I've been there. Like, for example, a couple years back when I went to see my dad in Cincinnati, I went for a nice leisurely drive across the Ohio River into Kentucky, and proceeded to stop at a convenience store and buy a lottery ticket. Why? So I could say I had been to Kentucky. Then, that night, we drove out to Indiana to eat dinner. Why? So I could say I had been to Indiana. I could even get away with saying I've been to Illinois, although it was a layover at O'Hare both times, so that may not really count. Sitting here in Chambersburg, I am an hour's drive from anywhere in four states, which means there is a trip yet to be taken through four states in one afternoon. Why? So I could say I've done it. Yeah, I'm warped, I know...

Anyhoo, I said last time I had some more comparisons to make between Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New York, and nowhere else is there a better place to make such comparisons than the supermarket. Growing up in Syracuse, there was always a Byrne Dairy nearby that always had either 1% or 2% milk on special for $1.99, either that or Wegman's might have had a special on milk, dropping it to $1.59 or something like that. Imagine my surprise, then, the first time I walked into a supermarket down here and saw that the 1% milk was $2.70!!! And that was being billed as "sold at the state minimum"! There's your problem right there, the state sets milk prices; more government intervention causing problems for the average consumer. Whether or not this is to protect Pennsylvania's dairy farmers, I'm not sure, but for such a dramatic difference in price, I'm tempted to waste the extra gallon of gas to go to Maryland and see if it's any cheaper there.

The other main thing about Pennsylvania that will drive you nuts is the liquor laws. Yeah, Penn State and Susquehanna and other schools that specialize in the "we're in the middle of nowhere so all we can do is party" mentality are in this state, but the same is true with (insert SUNY school here) in New York. So, the Liquor Control Board runs the show here, and they tell you where you can get beer, how you can get it, and even how to remove it from the store. Let me sum up a typical B-double-E-double-R-U-N to a state-run liquor store. First of all, it better be before 8 or 9:00, because otherwise, it might be closed. They closed at 8 on NEW YEAR'S EVE, for heaven's sake!!! Don't they know most serious parties don't get underway before at least 10? And secondly, the state liquor store is the only place you can get said alcohol, not a convenience store, not a supermarket. So, you go in and order it from the counter (what is this, a doctor's office?) and they naturally check your ID, the only part of the process that actually makes some sense. Meanwhile, you're getting stared down by more cameras than they need to patrol most banks. You get your beer and pay for it and start to leave, but whoa, wait a minute... state law says (I swear I am not making this up) you can only take 12 bottles out at a time. So, you have to go back and forth however many times it takes to take out 12 at a time until you are done. It is things like this that are why you take a native-born and bred Pennsylvanian into New York, tell him how things work up THERE, and he acts like he just got a free pass to Disneyland! I know, I've seen it happen.

So, as you can tell, I'm not exactly in love with Pennsylvania, but it is the place I call home for the moment, and all in all it's not so bad. Most importantly, we don't get as much snow here as, oh I dunno, BUFFALO has. Then again, when we do get it, A) it all falls at once, 4-6 inches worth, and B) they don't bother to plow it until it lets up. Also, when you consider that it has snowed considerably less this year than last back home, I really start to wonder if Mother Nature really has something against me...

Americana Panorama, Part 1

First of all, an obvious tip of the cap to John Records Landecker with the title of the column this week. He used to do a bit called "Americana Panorama" where he would talk almost like the Central Scrutinizer from the Frank Zappa album "Joe's Garage", soft voice through a megaphone into the mic. He told a long story about somebody famous and it all wound up being a long setup for the punchline, which was the name of the next song he would play. Worst example: a story about Israeli prime minister Golda Meir, which ended with the song "When My Hair Was Short", or as he said, "When Meir was short..."

All-time great DJ stories aside, I've been down here in Chambersburg long enough to provide more observations about the area I live in, and the most striking thing is the comparison between things here in PA (pronounced "Pah", of course), and things on the Maryland side of the old Mason-Dixon line. It is like night and day. Now, I've only been to Maryland three times since I moved here five months ago (five months today, in fact), but it's enough to see that there are striking differences between the two states. For that matter, it's all much different down here than it is in New York, so I may as well make it a three-state comparison.

The first trip was to Westminster back in September for the Western Maryland-Susquehanna debacle, errrr, football game. Westminster is a very nice town, nice houses and quiet but still room for things to grow and thrive along MD routes 140 and 97, which go on to Baltimore and Washington, respectively. Now I should note for geographical purposes that Westminster is NOT in western Maryland, it is in roughly the middle of the state, it's closer to Baltimore than the actual western portion of Maryland. Because of this, they're looking to change the name of the college. The given reason is because school officials claim that people from Baltimore, Washington, Philly and the like hear "Western Maryland College" and immediately think it's out in the boonies. First of all, if any of those people actually think that, it means A) they were too stupid to actually grab a map and look at where it is, and B) they skipped the part in the literature where it said "only an hour from Baltimore". Then again, I'm sure the people of Balmer have the same attitude toward western Maryland that Noo Yawkers have toward upstate New York. Noo Yawkers believe civilization ends at the Westchester County line, and Baltimoreans think it ends at the I-695 beltway. Hence, calling the upscale and growing city of Frederick by the "colorful" nickname "Fred-neck".

Speaking of Frederick, I can tell you a lot about the place now that I've been there twice in the past month. The first time was quite unintended, as I finally found an excuse to check out the Hagerstown side of the Chambersburg-Hagerstown radio market I am in (please don't ask about the new ratings, by the way). I was en route to Circuit City to get a new CD player for my car, my reward to myself for being a good little columnist/radio guy this year. First thing I noticed when I drove under the PA 163 underpass and into Maryland was how it resembled driving into Camillus, but in a different way. When you drive down the hill on West Genesee Street and under the old railroad underpass into Camillus, you feel like you're descending into the seventh level of hell and rational thinking ends at the underpass. When I went under the State Line Road underpass and across the Mason-Dixon Line, I immediately noticed how new and clean and exciting everything looked. Considering I'm from Syracuse, which greets you with the smell of sewage and garbage in the highway medians, this is a big deal to me.

I get to the plaza on US 40, and it looks like the thing was built last week. Maybe it's because it's Christmas time, but the place looks exciting and full of life. There are no real strip shopping centers in Chambersburg, and they just remind me of traffic headaches caused by lack of foresight when building these things. In Hagerstown, they planned: roads leading into and around the shopping center and traffic lights and stop signs neatly arranged. It's the same way in Frederick. How do I know this? Well, it's because the trip to Hagerstown proved fruitless, so I decided to go to Best Buy in Frederick. Only I have no clue where the place is, as I had not intended to go there in the first place. So, a half-hour later, I get off I-70 onto US 40 and drive through a labyrinth of strip malls, cuz I figure this is the main drag, it must be here. Well, I wind up in the wrong lane, 40 goes one way, I go another, and next thing I know, I'm lost in downtown Frederick.

So I find a nice parking garage to drop off the Passat and walk over to the Welcome Center. 5 minutes later, I have a nice pamphlet on greater Frederick and (more importantly) my bearings. It also gives me a chance to check out the downtown area, which is bustling even at 2:00 in the afternoon (again, maybe just because it was Christmas time). Coffeeshops on street corners, nice modern buildings interspersed with spruced-up older ones, I got a vibe from the town I hadn't gotten from anywhere else since the last time I had been to NYC. Yes, I have to deal with my nemesis once again, the one-way street. However, unlike in Chambersburg, the streets aren't so narrow that you fear that you are two inches away from side-swiping either the car in the other lane or a parked car. And (best part) NO FOUNTAINS TO DRIVE AROUND!!! I have come to find out that in many of the towns across my part of Southern Pah, they decided to put up nice Civil War memorial fountains in the center of town soon after the war ended. Obviously, they could not have foreseen the kinds of car and truck traffic we have today, so what you have is, to put it mildly, a challenge. In Chambersburg, a one-way street goes around the fountain both ways, so that's pretty easy; left lane, go around on the left, right lane, go around on the right. Make a left turn onto US 11 from the left lane on US 30, make a right turn onto US 30 from the right lane on US 11. In Gettysburg, it's harder. It's the intersection of a pair of two-way streets, so on my way back from Westminster, I go to make a left turn onto US 30 and I first have to look out for people looking to make a right turn on red from 30, then I have to stop on the other side of the fountain for oncoming traffic, then I can whip around the fountain into the westbound lane of 30. How that intersection is not a death trap I'll never know.

Anyway, back to my first Frederick experience. Eventually, I find Best Buy, amidst construction work, and I'm in and out and on my way home. Another major difference between this area and Syracuse: since we don't get that much snow, construction pretty much goes year-round. However, that's not the end of the story, or the end of the comparisons. My friend Jay's attempt to install the CD players didn't work out so hot (no fault of his own, I think they set it up so you CAN'T install it yourself), so recently, it was back to Frederick. That trip and the headaches that go with shopping at a Pennsylvania supermarket... next week.

Maybe Dick Clark's Finally Getting Old

Well, well, well, once again we have just seen the annual spectacle known as the American Music Awards come and go, Dick Clark's ultimate contribution to the music industry (after all, one can only watch so many Bandstand reruns). An award that is decided by the buying public, although the same could be said of the Billboard Music Awards, the Blockbuster awards, and all of the other B-grade awards that have popped up in recent memory. Bob and Tom may be right, we may soon need a cable channel that shows nothing but awards shows in order to catch up. But, I digress, on with the show...

First, the co-hosts for the evening: I dare say that when I heard they would be Sean "P. Diddy but I shall still call him Puffay" Combs and Jenny McCarthy, my first reaction was, "You mean Richard Hatch wasn't available? How about Kato Kaelin?" I was very afraid that this was going to be the "your 15 minutes of fame are up" club, but they turned in a decent job. I did kinda wonder about Puffay's apparent quest to wear every major sports team's uniform in one night (rumor has it he was told that if the show ran long, he didn't have to wear the Twins or Expos... those two could be "contracted".) And we could have done without him thanking God for getting acquitted for the whole nightclub-shooting thing. As for Jenny, she was a little too perky for my taste. Ya know, maybe she should've gone for the Regis co-host deal, at least then she'd have steady employment right now.

Early on, we were treated by an appearance by Backstreet Boy-turned-criminal Nick Carter (no, I'm not gloating over this one). Although he kept his ad-lib remarks to a minimum, his opening line should have been "I'm happy to be here, because I'm glad to not be in a Florida jail cell taking it in the rear from some big dude named Bubba... yet." Speaking of criminal behavior, how old was Master P when he "created" Lil' Romeo? 15? 13? Those two aren't exactly an advertisement for lowering teen pregnancy rates.

Could Lifehouse have possibly squirmed any more when they had to introduce Britney? "We had one of the biggest hits of the year, and THIS is what we get for it?" Oh, and we were once again reminded that Ms. Spears won Best New Artist in 2000, which still stands as the only major award she has ever won (zero MTV awards, zero Grammys, zero AMAs since then, and no way in hell will she ever get an Oscar).

Meanwhile, there were the hose-jobs. First of all, 'N Sync should NEVER win an award over the Dave Matthews Band or U2. And Limp Bizkit over Staind for best alternative band? And I'm confused... without Fred there, I couldn't tell it was actually Limp Bizkit. Are you sure Linkin Park didn't win the award? After all, they're both THE SAME BAND!!!

Speaking of look-alikes, I didn't even recognize Alicia Keys the first time she went up to present. Maybe I'm just used to the corn-rows, but I thought Dick Clark had brought back Donna Summer to present an award cuz she was on American Bandstand so many times. And if you put up a picture of Lenny Kravitz side-by-side with a picture of Macy Gray, would you be able to tell the difference?

Kid Rock actually did something entertaining, and it was the portion of his performance that he wasn't in. It started with a mannequin with a guitar in an easy chair while a tape machine played him doing his new song. After a minute of this, then it went back to the usual annoying Kid Rock performance.

And we were treated to something I really didn't need to see at the top of the show... DICK CLARK IN A DRESS!!!

The thing that got the most attention this year, of course, had nothing to do with the actual show and more with the dicey relationship between the Clarkies and the Grammys. The Grammys supposedly threatened to boot Michael Jackson off their broadcast if he performed on the AMAs. Dick Clark responded with a lawsuit, and the Grammys turned the tables on Mr. Bandstand by getting CBS to put a repeat of the Michael Jackson anniversary concert up against the AMAs broadcast (if you don't think there was a connection, you're nuts). So, Jacko gets some sort of pointless Artist of the Century award for his trouble, and all that does is take away from the Award of Merit Garth Brooks got. While I'm not much of a fan of country music, you gotta admit Garth is one hell of an entertainer and he loves what he does. However, may I please make one suggestion to him: enough of the "I'm going to retire" BS every time you put out an album.

I just wonder if Dick Clark is finally losing touch with the current and hot in music and TV. Although the hosts could qualify for the aforementioned "your 15 minutes of fame are up" club, there were several others in the show that had that status too. Most notably, Christina Applegate introducing Cher, I mean that's the ultimate "you are so over" combination. Luther Vandross winning best R&B male? Has he even had a hit song since the 80s? And CARROT TOP as a presenter? Now maybe it might be because of the whole "you perform on the AMAs, you can't be on the Grammys" thing, but there certainly seemed to be a lack of A-list people as the night wore on. Something for Dick to work on for next year, although as that will be the 30th anniversary AMAs, it will probably be nothing short of a retro-fest. Retro is not a bad thing, bad retro is, especially bad retro of just a couple years ago. I think the Grammys should drop its whole policy, especially because when we finally get to the Grammys a month and a half from now, is anyone going to remember what happened this week at the AMAs? I think not.

Can We Please Put a Lock on Hollywood?

This morning started like most Friday mornings start, off to work to sit at a control board and push buttons and read weather and stuff like that for four hours. The new Radio & Records was sitting on the desk when I came in, a rare thrill, because it usually comes Friday afternoon and lately, other people in the radio station have swiped it before I got a chance to read it, and I need it on Saturday mornings to make the six hours go by a little quicker.

Anyhoo, on the cover of this week's R&R was an ad for (dun dun DUNNNNNNN) THE BRITNEY SPEARS MOVIE!!! Yeah, I heard at various points that she was making a movie, but I guess I saw it as being off the radar screen, as Britney's career is slowly moving off the radar screen. However, I forgot two important things that I should know by now about the relationship between the future Mrs. Timberlake and MTV: 1) MTV loves her, and 2) they know how to media blitz a fading pop act back to the top. Need proof? We thought 'N Sync was over before the VMAs, then they won the most televised awards (don't forget, Fatboy Slim won the most actual awards, but most of that happened before the actual VMAs show), and lo and behold, "Celebrity" sells 1.9 million its first week. Let me once again remind everyone, however, that in the nearly three months since then, it has failed to sell another 1.9 million.

In that vein, let me present the evidence that we are about to be treated/tortured by months of non-stop hype about this movie... Exhibit A: MTV helped make this movie. When have they NOT overhyped one of their own creations? The only thing MTV has put out movie-wise that was any good was "Varsity Blues". Exhibit B: the laundry list of upcoming Britney appearances I saw below the movie ad on the front of R&R. Not that any of her fans read R&R, but the reason they put these things in R&R is so all the DJs will plug the appearances, at least the ones on the Top 40 stations that still play Britney's music.

Now, I know you're all hoping that if Britney has done a movie that there will be something worth seeing, like (to put it tastefully) more of her than we have seen yet, don't hold your breath. Despite rumors of sexual fun and games in this film, it's rated PG-13, which makes sense, because that way you get the target audience in the theater (the squealing teens and pre-teens who want to be like her). And also, she still wants us to think she's a virgin, so why do any kind of hanky-panky in a movie to mess up that image; save the erotica for the videos.

Now, at this point, I should probably give out some details about the flick, considering this column's half-over and there may be some people who are actually interested in seeing this movie. It's called "Crossroads" and the storyline is Britney and two life-long pals get together with some guy (why? he has a car, as far as I can tell) for a cross-country journey of self-discovery and all that other good old-fashioned teenage hoo-ha that you hear about all the time but never actually do yourself. The character Britney plays dreams of being (hold on a sec, you're not going to believe this one) a SINGER!

Hang on a sec, sorry to interrupt myself in mid-rant, but I happened to have MTV on (sound muted of course) and they just plugged their "meet Britney at the 'Crossroads' premiere" contest. Again, I have been proven right, *sigh*, it's so hard being right all the time. Want another prediction? Steve Spurrier will be head coach of the Washington Redskins next season. He resigned as head coach at Florida today and I actually saw that coming before today, I just didn't think he'd do it so soon. Anyhoo, back on topic, as I try to keep the back-patting to a minimum, and going from Britney Spears to Steve Spurrier probably gave you all a serious case of whiplash.

So, Britney's character wants to be a singer. And she feels alienated by her father, who is played by (hold onto your hats here) DAN AYKROYD!!! He's not this desperate, is he? I mean, he was damn good as the governor in "Evolution" last year, he can still do something other than yak about ghosts on Sci-Fi Channel and roles in Britney Spears movies, right? I won't get into the other characters and what they're all about, because the focus, of course, is on Britney, so the other two main girls are like the other two members of the Supremes. Two words: "star vehicle".

I've got another word for Ms. Spears while I'm at it: "Glitter". If it seems like we were going down this same road a few months back, we were, only it was Mariah Carey, and the end results of that were: a bomb the likes of which we haven't seen since "Waterworld", Ms. Carey in the loony bin, and her recording career in ruins (rumor has it she's about to get dropped by her label). Holy Peter Frampton/"Sgt. Pepper's", Batman!!! Want another one? "Spiceworld". Within six months, Ginger quits, the Spice Girls are long removed from the charts, and they haven't been heard from since.

The point of all this is the fact that rock stars should stay the hell out of the movie business. The Beatles made two groundbreaking films with "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help!" and Elvis had "Love Me Tender", but remember, the Fab Four also had "Magical Mystery Tour" and Elvis did enough "Clambake"s and "Kissing Cousins" to make anyone nauseous. Cameos in movies? That's OK: Aerosmith in "Wayne's World 2", Eddie Vedder in "Singles", now those were good. Major roles in movies? Well, that's borderline, but if you're like Beyonce and you can get a gig as part of a solid franchise like being an Austin Powers girl, then that's OK. Then again, Britney's going to be in the new Austin Powers flick too. After "Crossroads", the only way Britney could even have a prayer of saving face would be for her and Beyonce to have a catfight for the ages. Or maybe that's just because I (and millions of other guys) would love to see that.