Oops, I Wrote It Again

As we approach the 2-year anniversary of this column, I am again amazed by the sheer body of work I have somehow been able to put together on a mostly weekly basis. All this while working ridiculous hours at work, moving several times, including from one state to another, and losing my Internet connection several times, sometimes for minutes, one time for weeks. So, much like I did last year at this time, it's time to look through another year's worth of columns and try to mine what I consider to be nuggets. Not necessarily good things, because I have been known to flub comments and predictions on many occasions.

This column usually deals with three subjects: political/social issues, sports, and pop culture. There was a lot of all three to go around. On the political/social issues front, I railed against people who sought to mess up holiday celebrations (column #71), only to see the biggest fraud of them all happen just a month or so ago when the Pledge of Allegiance got declared unconstitutional because of ONE pissed-off Atheist (column #99). I also had enough time to declare the nation's fringe political groups as "terrorist organizations" (column #68), and I made what turned out to be the biggest foreshadowing statement of the year in early February (column #80) when I said that I thought Bush was plugging the war on terror too much at the expense of other issues; now it's the opinion of an increasingly larger percentage of the American people.

In the world of sports, I took on the maniacal World Cup soccer fans (column #95), dubbed the Salt Lake City Olympics as "the rock 'n roll Olympics" (column #81), and then proceeded to tell an entire country's Olympic delegation, "There's the door, don't let it hit your asses on the way out..." (column #82) Then there were the assorted sports predictions, of which I got some right (Steve Spurrier becoming Redskins coach), and some I got horribly wrong (Exhibit A: "Rams 45, Patriots 13"). Unfortunately, I've had to write way too often about one prediction that it looks more and more like I'll be right on, and I made it all the way back in October (column #65): the baseball players will go on strike. The latest is that they will walk on August 16, thus virtually guaranteeing that not only will there not be a World Series again, but that the players will be walking the picket lines on September 11th, thus turning an entire nation against them, forever. There have also been the sideshow issues of contraction, the All-Star Game tie, and steroid use, but for the most part, it's been about the old labor wars, and it's too bad. I really can't get into my Mets sneaking back into the wild-card race, because I know that there won't be any playoffs.

And then, there's the frequent takes I have on the worlds of movies, music, fashion, etc. There are probably many who disagree with me on this point, but I think that I'm at my best when I'm trashing pop culture; simply put, there are way too many things I can poke fun at, it's just SO EASY! During the past year, I finally got to gleefully bury teen pop, and I said that the "next big thing" would include indie rock and "girls with guitars and pianos" before anyone ever heard of The Vines, Vanessa Carlton, or Avril Lavigne. Anyway, pop culture has given me plenty of opportunities to get some choice comments out in the past year, such as these...

"Now I know that retro is all the rage, but BAD retro is a totally different thing. And then when you run out of ideas, improvise; after all, though necessity is the mother of invention, laziness has to be the father. In past years, tank tops were the rage, then halter tops, then back to tank tops, so when you need a new fad, well hell, how about tops with ONE shoulder? Bingo, this summer's big fashion trend." (column #54)

"What tributes to the year 2001 will we see on the tube 30 years from now? If they even dare to do a 'Survivor' retrospective, you can bet it will probably be portrayed as when the decline of Western civilization began. Just a guess..." (column #63)

"Have any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get." (column #70)

"If I'm Osama Bin Laden, well first of all I'm scared s---less hiding in my cave wherever I am, but secondly, I don't think I'm sitting there saying, 'Well, we could swipe a nuclear warhead, we could hijack some more planes and crash them into skyscrapers... oh, hell, let's just send a sniper to Pennsylvania and pick off a groundhog!'

They're going to have "Punxsutawney Phil" pick the winner of the (Super Bowl)... So, tomorrow, they're going to apparently listen for a grunt or squeak that sounds like either "Patriots" or "Rams", I guess; more likely, "Phil" will be saying the groundhog equivalent of "PUT ME DOWN, YOU TOP-HATTED BASTARD!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR?!? I JUST WANT TO GO FORAGE FOR SOME FOOD!!!" (column #79)

"Ozzy goes from most evil man in America to the patriatch of everybody's favorite obscenity-spewing, dog doo-cleaning, neighbor-annoying family... More like how a conventional family would look if you watched them after dropping acid." (column #86)

"The first summer blockbuster, 'Spiderman', opened today. May 3rd. Time was we had to wait until at least Memorial Day weekend for the first big movie. If you are afraid that this could inevitably lead to unlimited movie overhype all year round, fear not, because they have to keep a couple of months available for the movies that nobody goes to see, otherwise known as the 'Oscar contenders'." (column #89)

"I'm surprised Carson didn't do a segment trying to get his New Jersey beachside audience to express their dismay over the Ohio senator who boycotted a recent environmental hearing because one of the friggin' BACKSTREET BOYS was testifying! By the way, kudos to Sen. Vuinovich for walking out; I can sympathize with him, as I try to boycott EVERYTHING the Backstreet Boys do..." (column #94)

"I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: 'Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool...' Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it."

"That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV."

"MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months." (all three of those from column #59)

It should be noted that more people, whether by accident or design, have read that column than the one that wound up taking its place that week: my reflections on 9-11. I think that's a good thing; it shows that after all we've been through, we're approaching normality again, we can laugh at ourselves again. I also gave you all a running commentary on metro Chambersburg-Hagerstown and my trip to Georgia, and as I used to say about Syracuse, my 'Burg could be your 'Burg or Anytown, USA. And that's certainly what we've needed since 9-11: more Anytown. Look forward to even more Anytown in the weeks and months to come.

I Didn't Think It Was THIS Bad!

As much as I have tried not to bother with the ongoing issues messing up baseball, labor or otherwise, it's gotten to the point where I HAVE to weigh in on all of this. Sure, everyone has given their two cents over the ridiculous All-Star Game tie, but let's go ahead and recap everything...

The All-Star Game is played in Milwaukee, hometown of commissioner Bud Selig, who owns, errrr, used to own the Brewers. They're playing at Miller Park, crown jewel of Selig's master plan to hold up taxpayers everywhere for new stadiums, where the roof doesn't close right without screeching and squealing loud enough to be heard in Green Bay and the stadium wound up costing tons more than anyone expected. On the night of the Home Run Derby, the threat of rain closed the roof, causing the competition to take place in stifling indoor humidity. So this thing's already off to a bad start, and should I mention that we now know that the owners "asked" the players not to set a strike date on All-Star Monday?

The following night, they play the All-Star Game, and in a nervous attempt to get everyone in the game, Joe Torre and Bob Brenly leave themselves with one pitcher each when the game goes to extra innings. By the middle of the 11th, they decide they don't want their precious pitchers getting hurt, so they ask Selig for guidance. The Commish literally throws his hands up and says it ends as a tie if the National League doesn't score in the bottom of the 11th. So, the PA announcer lets everyone know the game's going to be a tie, and bedlam ensues. It gets worse when the NL fails to score in the 11th, and the fans go Cleveland Browns on Selig's pride and joy of a stadium, tossing garbage and beer bottles onto the field. Selig, meanwhile, escapes for the safety of the dugout, where he promptly stiffs Fox Television for a postgame explanation of what happened and runs off to do a press conference. And after all the pre-game tributes to Ted Williams, they don't give the newly named Ted Williams Award for the game MVP out to ANYONE.

Here's a simple solution to this mess for future All-Star Games, and it doesn't requiring expanding rosters or thinking up cutesy little tie-breakers: NO MORE PUTTING GUYS IN JUST SO THEY PLAYED!!! Think about it, you get your All-Star bonus whether you play or not. Unfortunately, Orioles fans made such a stink over Mike Mussina not getting in the All-Star Game at Camden Yards a few years back that now managers are afraid not to put guys in. Back in the 50s and 60s, the living legends of the game (Williams, Mays, Aaron) played all 9 innings; the same should be expected today with Bonds, Pudge Rodriguez, and Giambi. I understand we can't expect Derek Jeter or Nomar Garciaparra to play most of the game since they play the same position, and that is part of the problem; some positions are so deep that you have to get multiple stars in at one position, but at least leave a good supply of available bench players for the possibility of extra innings. That way, you won't have an embarrassment like this one.

Then, to add insult to injury, Selig announces the next day that one team won't make payroll the following Monday and another team will probably fold by the end of the season, but he won't say who. He then is forced to backtrack when his own COO says that the team (the Detroit Tigers, by the way, who play in a brand new taxpayer-financed stadium) will make payroll. However, when it comes to the threat of teams folding, the players union claims the commissioner is bluffing and go back to the business of trying to set a strike date. Depending on who you believe, they will either strike in late August just like in '94, or they will strike on September 16, so as to avoid walking the picket lines (with limousines in tow) on the anniversary of 9-11.

So, to review, the entire All-Star Break was a joke, the nation blames Bud Selig for that joke, Fox is THIS CLOSE to killing their TV contract with MLB, especially if the players strike, there's the threat of two teams not making it through the season, and none of this matters anyway, because as I have been telling you since last October, the players WILL strike and there WILL NOT be a World Series.

Oh, and also Baseball Weekly is reporting that despite the feel-good story that is the Minnesota Twins escaping from the brink of extinction to cruise to a division title and possible World Series run, owner Carl Pohlad STILL wants to close up shop, take the $150 million and contract the team!!! If there is a World Series this year (which there won't be), and the Twins somehow win it, the ring ceremony next year may well take place in the parking lot of the Mall of America, with 25 players wearing new uniforms.

Well, if you're looking for me to fill the rest of the column this week with solutions to these problems, I could do that, but I don't think anyone on either side of the labor negotiations is listening to reason or sanity, much less a fledgling Internet columnist. The owners have been pushing the correct solution to the financial problems of baseball all along with the luxury tax. The players call it a "de facto salary cap". You know what, if that's what it is, GOOD! I've said all along that baseball needs a salary cap to maintain competitive balance. It's a joke to watch the Yankees pick up Raul Mondesi and Jeff Weaver for nothing because the Blue Jays and Tigers are flat broke and the Yankees can afford to pay anyone anything. Nobody wants to see one team win all the time except for the fans of that one team. It might have been okay during baseball's "golden age", when there were only 15 other teams and players' salaries or teams' payrolls weren't an issue. Today, salaries are out of control, the Yankees are the only team that can afford to spend like they do, and there are 29 other groups of fans (well, okay, 28, no sense in assuming the Devil Rays HAVE fans) who can't stand it.

The "spend now to win now" attitude is precisely what I blame for my Mets being miserable failures this season. Mets GM Steve Phillips (who should be fired, IMHO) dealt away Todd Zeile and Robin Ventura for no other reason than they had one off year, and until recently, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Robby Alomar, and Roger Cedeno COMBINED didn't have as many homers as Ventura had with the Yankees. Vaughn's now doing much better; it must have been the '86 Mets uniforms that they wore for a throwback series against the Marlins. Two thoughts: 1) maybe they should switch back to those uniforms full time; sure they're ugly, but we seem to hit better in them, and 2) the 80's are now considered "throwback"? God, I feel old.

But see, now I'm getting into the issues that concern my team and how we'll do down the stretch when we know darn well that there will not be a stretch to go down. The players had better check their egos at the door and realize that the world does not revolve around them, because if they are on strike on September 11, they'll get a very painful reminder of that.

I Pledge Allegiance... to My Lawyer

Well, since I was away for a week, I have missed the opportunity to comment on the major things going on in the world while I was away, so I'll try to start making up for lost time. The biggest event that took place right before I left for Georgia was the court ruling made by a three-judge panel from a federal appeals court in California, regarding the Pledge of Allegiance. Now I'm sure you're wondering how I, as an agnostic, feel about this case and the decision that was made. Well, I may piss off some of you by saying this, but I feel that the judges made the correct ruling.

OK, before you start crossing me off your Christmas card list, hear me out. The two judges who made the ruling made the ruling they HAD to make. There was legal precedent, notably the 1960s-era Supreme Court ruling that banned school prayer. This decision was cited in the majority opinion, and until our current Supreme Court has a chance to rule otherwise, that's what has to be followed. Where I have a problem with this case, and I KNOW I'm not alone here, is the fact that this NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. This whole business of Congressmen shouting "under God" at the top of their lungs and vicious letters flying across the nation's editorial pages would have never happened if it wasn't for one person who decided that something that offends only him should be wiped off the face of the planet.

We've been down this road before, I mentioned it last Christmas, how all too often in our society one or two people take offense to something and immediately seek to rub it out. They're not always atheists, but most of the time they are; these people apparently cannot go about their daily lives in a normal way if they spot a manger scene or deeply religious message or the Ten Commandments displayed anywhere that might have been funded by your tax dollars. Such a case involving the Ten Commandments is now brewing in Frederick, Maryland, right in my backyard. An 18-year old's inquiry over an engraving of the commandments in a public park has suddenly led to the ACLU circling the town like vultures, threatening to bury everyone in lawsuits. While it's not illegal to do this, and I could be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure that this was NOT the reason our judicial system was created, to give grandstanding lawyers a chance to descend on any community that might display something even slightly Judeo-Christian within its borders.

Or, in the case of Mr. Michael Newdow, grandstanding lawyers-in-training. Let's revisit the facts of the old Pledge of Allegiance case, shall we? Newdow, an atheist, filed suit against his local public schools over the daily recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in his daughter's school. He claimed that by not wanting his daughter to recite the pledge, it would invite insult, ridicule, or worse. Newdow went before the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals acting as his own lawyer (which makes sense... it means that he wouldn't have to share the publicity with anyone else). Well, as we are learning more and more in the days since the ruling came down, his daughter had exactly NOTHING to do with this case. The very morning that news of the court's ruling was splashed across the front pages and TV newscasts of America, Newdow appeared on CNN and declared that the suit was filed for the sole reason that he was offended by the pledge's very existence. He named his daughter in the suit in order to have a legal basis to file. Well, today the news is out that his daughter is A) not an atheist, and B) doesn't even LIVE with him! Her mother has custody of the child, and both are practicing Christians. Newdow is challenging the custody in court; I wonder if the mother can enter this whole pledge nonsense as evidence that the guy is a nutjob so she can retain full custody of the girl. What I'm really afraid of is the possibility that he is not only representing himself in the custody battle, but also that this pledge fiasco was part of the plan to get his daughter back.

As for the hysteria that has resulted from this, as usual, it's a knee-jerk reaction and people should really take time to process events before they react. Can you still say the Pledge of Allegiance in a public school? Yes. This ruling doesn't take effect if it's appealed, and you can bet it will be, all the way to the Supreme Court, where we will get to see if their past precedents hold up. Has God been declared unconstitutional? No. People rant about "freedom of religion versus freedom from religion"; let me put it to you this way: I have always believed that everyone should practice what they believe is the correct religion or faith (that would be freedom of religion). However, I believe there should be as little stepping on each others' toes as possible. This is where we fail as a society, as some believe that it is their duty to remind those that don't believe in the same God or a God at all that they are wrong and evil and are going to hell. It's a small minority of the population, but I wish it was zero. Is that me desiring "freedom from religion"? I don't think so. I think that I only want freedom from religious persecution, as do most if not all of us. I just happen to walk a different path from the large majority of Americans who consider themselves of the Judeo-Christian faith. I'll tell you one thing, though; I would never EVER protest the displaying of religious symbols in public places, I would never EVER go running to the ACLU or a lawyer looking to purge these things so I could put my mind at ease. As I've always believed, better to show respect to many religions rather than to none. In such a battle, I would more than likely side with the pro-religion folks, but I wonder if they would have me.

This hopefully will provide some perspective that agnostics and atheists are not one and the same. I am very tolerant of other religions displaying themselves in my midst. I can even deal with the church down the street ringing its bells musically for what seems like an eternity every Sunday morning, keeping me from my well-deserved rest. Let this be a lesson to everyone, you can tell an agnostic from an atheist; it's really quite easy. The atheist is the one with the lawyer.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

When going on vacation, you should always try to see and do different things, so I certainly made sure I did that on this rare time away from work. First off, seeing different things was pretty easy, considering I was in Georgia, where EVERYTHING is different. The other night, I was outside with my brother-in-law, and he was getting bitten alive by the mosquitoes, but I wasn't getting touched. "Must be cuz these are 'Southern mosquitoes'," he explained. "They get near Yankee skin and they run screaming." Well, that would go with the territory, as my natural surroundings sure were different; hell, even the GRASS looked different down there ("Southern grass?")

Also, down South, you have different restaurant chains, different grocery stores, different gas stations, etc. Sure, they have Eckerd, McDonald's, and Applebees, same as everyone else, but you can also find Publix, Chevron, Chili's, Waffle House, and especially, KRISPY KREME DONUTS!!! We have Krispy Kreme Donuts displays at the Giant here in Chambersburg; up in Syracuse, they're going to be ten deep around the Krispy Kreme booth at the State Fair, because that's all they have. Down in Augusta, you drive down the street and there it is, a Krispy Kreme store, with the best damn donuts in the world. You have to have one to decide for yourself, but as for me, I can't ever have another kind of donut again, the Krispy Kremes are too good.

They also have something down in Augusta called Romano's Macaroni Grill. Now, when deciding where to eat dinner one night, my brother-in-law gave me the lay of the land and asked me to pick. I went with Romano's; I figured "Macaroni Grill" would mean a nice affordable family hot dog and macaroni place. I was wrong. It was an upscale Italian restaurant, complete with a wine rack directly behind our table. Suddenly, I seemed pretty underdressed for the occasion in my cheap radio station T-shirt. However, one thing was the same at this fancy place as at the Roanoke Cracker Barrel, the waitress had a smooth (almost Britney-like) Southern accent. Hey, I may not like the way Ms. Spears sings, but if you've ever heard her talk, you know why I like it. Maybe that's what I need, a nice sweet-talking Southern girl... nah, like just about everything, I would probably get annoyed by the accent after a while.

Now as for the doing different things, well, on this vacation, I swore I would try to take up golf again. My previous golfing experience is pretty much limited to a community college P.E. class I took. The final exam was to go play a round of 18, and my group and I were so bad and took so long to complete each hole that we got embarrassed and ducked out after the front 9. I hadn't swung a golf club in over four years, but I figured hey, since I was bad then, it's not like inactivity would make me any worse...

At this time, I should explain that my brother-in-law is in the Army, and so we went to play the course on base, a nice expansive 18 with trees, water, the whole nine yards, or should I say 6,000-plus yards. It was me, my brother-in-law, his father, and also his boss. I was, of course, the inexperienced one of the lot, the other three had played for years, and my brother-in-law and his boss were both regulars on this particular course. And so it was that the four of us set off on our 18-hole excursion in 97 degree weather with the heat index well over 100, thus proving we're all certifiable. Now a radio guy being a little crazy is not only helpful for his job, but a job requirement. As for the Army guys, well, I don't wanna go there, but I'll just say two words: Hawkeye Pierce.

So how did I do? I shot a 66... on the front nine. I did the same on the back nine, which if anything proves I'm consistent. In all, I shot a 132; you can figure in first-timer handicap if you want, it still will wind up pretty high. Now, I should note that this 132 came with an asterisk. The 13th hole was a par 3, and the group behind us and the group in front of us were squeezing us a bit, and in the interest of saving time, I was unable to finish the hole, which is unfortunate, as it was the beginning of my best stretch on the day. I hit a pretty nice tee shot, and while my approach landed in the sand, it was definitely in a position where I think I could have blasted out and gotten it close to the hole. Being generous and factoring in a two-putt, I would have gotten a 5 on that hole, I believe. All this does is prove that you can shoot a 132 and STILL be over-confident about your abilities. My goal on this first-ever full round of golf was to not hit my weight, and me being a skinny little guy, that's not as impossible as it may seem. I'm happy to say that I barely made it, unless of course, I lost several pounds sweating my way around the course. As for the over-confident part, I quickly learned the lesson all golfers learn about staying humble. After my "5" on 13, I got another 5 (a real one, this time) on 14, and hit another good tee shot on 15. I went up to hit my second shot, feeling almost on the edge of cocky about my new found luck... and proceeded to hit the ball about 3 feet. One shot later, thinking that wouldn't happen again, IT DID. End of my "best stretch of the day".

The golfing experience, of course, is not about suffering in sweltering heat or getting upset over how poorly you played, it's about having a good time with the guys, which I did. I also got close to nature quite often, as I managed to find just about every woodland area on the course, not to mention knocking a couple in the water, and one that wound up hanging in a bush (uh yeah, I'll take a drop on that one...) Finding guys up here in the 'Burg to play a round with might be a little tough, but I'm up for it. The way I see it, when you shoot a 132, there's no place to go but up, and now at least I have something to shoot for.

So that was my vacation... I'm back in Chambersburg now, where it's "only" 90 as opposed to 97. Having had the new experience of taking a week off from work, I now face another new experience... that of going back to work after taking a week off.

Getting There Is Half the Fun

I hope you're sitting down for this, because it may take a while to comprehend... I'm on vacation.

Yup, hard as it may be to believe, I have taken the unusual step of asking for (and actually getting) a week off from by two jobs. Of course, this column doesn't get a week off because there is nothing better than a vacation when it comes to finding things that are column-worthy, especially after not having had one for two and a half years. So, I am presently in Augusta, Georgia, visiting my sister, my brother-in-law, and my two nephews. The column exists this week due to the fact that just like me, my brother-in-law also believes that a cable modem is a basic necessity of life.

In case you are wondering, I drove here from Chambersburg, a day-long trip, and when you are planning on a day-long trip, you have to do a lot of, um, planning. First thing is to find the quickest route to your destination. Well, I did that, but then I had to figure out what to do with it. You see, the quickest route in this case was the most bland in terms of visuals. I know, I'm driving, I should be paying attention to the road, but when the scenery is nothing but the road in front of you and trees or mountains on either side, it can get boring very quickly. Also, there was the fact that this trip down Interstates 81 and 77 goes primarily through the heart of Appalachia, which immediately made me want to proclaim, "THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL WE'RE STOPPING BEFORE CHARLOTTE!!!" It also made me get the car checked out just in case, because the last thing you want to do is break down in the middle of Appalachia. I don't know if I can actually justify that with any scary stories, but it just made sense to me.

Well, upon disembarking from the 'Burg, it became abundantly clear pretty quickly that basic human necessities were going to supercede my desire to not stop the car, namely the need to eat and to use the facilities. So, there were several rest stop visits along the way, especially as I subsist on a steady diet of caffeine when I drive. Also, there was a stop at Cracker Barrel in Roanoke, VA for lunch. It was here that I got an idea of the geographical boundary at which one's accent turns from annoying to almost soothing. I, of course, live in an area dominated by Baltimore accents, soo, whoops, I mean so, any improvement would be quickly noted. My waitress at the Roanoke Cracker Barrel was not only very cute, she had a voice that could literally melt butter. Unfortunately, while you can get almost anything else at the Cracker Barrel gift shop, they did not have "Cute Southern Accent in a Can". Maybe next time...

So, the trip is off to a good start, I am thinking as I attempt to re-enter I-81 following lunch. Now, when you go on a long trip like this, your focus is on safety, first and foremost, so this is why as I paused and merged onto the highway in a pretty nice cushion between two tractor-trailers, I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE ALMOST KILLED! Apparently, the 18 wheeler behind me was not interested in waiting for me to get up to speed, so he 1) nearly took my back end off as he went around me, 2) passed me by going into the enter/exit ramp just before it split from the highway, nearly squeezing me out of my own lane and into the car in the left lane in the process, and 3) nearly took my front end off jerking back into my lane before he wound up flying off the road. I did not realize that road rage was that intense and that prevalent among semi drivers. Note to my friend Rhino, currently studying to drive 18 wheelers: if this is how you will wind up, you may want to reconsider...

Anyway, now that I have had my first "life flashing before my eyes" moment of the trip, I am pretty much convinced that something is going to prevent me from getting to Georgia with me and/or my car in one piece. Then, for once in my life, the stars finally aligned in my favor, as I passed not one, but TWO 10-mile backups on I-77, both heading in the OTHER DIRECTION. Not only did this of course give me a chance to laugh at their predicament, but it also told me exactly what parts of the highway to avoid on the trip home.

Finally, I make it to Charlotte, a very nice city to drive through. Didn't stop there, but maybe I'll want to on the way home. The rock station I picked up on the way through, WXRC, was quite good, but the DJ seemed a bit lost, like he knew what he wanted to say, but it wasn't coming out right. Then again, this happens to me a lot as well, so perhaps this means I'm doing something right after all... is WXRC hiring?

At this point, it's getting late in the day, and I'm getting farther South, and the farther South I get, the more humid it gets. My car does have air conditioning (thank god), but unfortunately, nobody has invented a car dehumidifier yet, and so the cool air being pumped into my face is cool AND sticky. Finally (have I used that word enough in this column), I arrive in Augusta, Georgia, some 12 hours after leaving Chambersburg (or about 2 hours longer than MapQuest said it would take, I really don't know why I use that thing). I get out of the car, and immediately, it feels like a wet towel just got draped all over me. I mean, I was out of the car 5 seconds and I was SOAKED! You do not know humidity until you have been to the South.

However, I must compliment my sister and brother-in-law on their selection of housing, it is very nice, in a beautiful neighborhood of similar looking, newly built homes. And the computer room is a nice added touch, thus allowing me to complete this column in the usual several hour timeframe (see, I type a little, go get something to drink, type a little more, stop and listen to the radio, type a little more, use the bathroom, type a little more, writer's block...) And so I have the next several days here, with nothing I HAVE to get done, just on vacation.

I'm bored already.