Modem's Just Another Four-Letter Word

We used to run an ad on WSYR for Road Runner internet service that had people using the word "modem" like it was a cuss word: "MOOOOOMMMM!!! Jimmy called me a "modem"!!!" Funny commercial. However, what is not so funny is the fact that I have had a few choice words for my method of internet connection lately, and it hasn't been "modem". One of the modern conveniences I had to give up when I left Syracuse was fast and constant internet access, and I had to go back to dialup. The pros... well, there aren't any. The cons... oh, where do I begin...

Let's start with the fact that my modem was bad out of the box, and the reason that I didn't do much about it was the computer that happened to sit around it. Yes, as I have noted in the past, I will buy things that don't work 100% and then don't return them, but I love to complain about them. I have a toaster that was recalled cuz it tends to set houses on fire. I didn't turn it in, and I contend that if you just watch the damn thing and know when your English muffin is toasted right (personal preferences mean everything), then the stupid thing won't explode. If we took some responsibility for our actions, perhaps there would be a lot fewer recalls...

Sorry, just lost my connection. Had to get back on. Yeah, I know I was gone 10 minutes. That brings me back to the main problem I have.

The modem is good for about one to two solid connections per use. In other words, once you start up the computer, you can be guaranteed that the computer will connect and stay connected just ONE TIME. Once you sign off, it's a crapshoot. It may let you on the next time, it may not, it may connect and then promptly boot you off. This is no way to try to have any kind of online life, such as it is. Your typical conversation with a friend gets interrupted constantly, they never know whether you were accidentally booted off or you got pissed at something they said and left without saying goodbye, or worse yet, you have a very good conversation going with someone and you get knocked off just before they say the really important stuff you wanted to know about. How are you supposed to have deep meaningful conversations with someone important to you when you keep getting interrupted due to the inadequacies of your computer hardware. It's not like I can use the phone, considering every call to a friend I would make would be long distance and therefore way too...

No, that wasn't an illustration of a typical online conversation for me, I got booted again. Yes, I know I was gone for almost an hour this time. Well, see this time, I kept getting busy signals.

There's the other wonderful thing about dial-up Internet service: busy signals. I know I'm not exactly giving you big breaking news here, especially if you are an AOL user, as I once was. However, I went into this whole deal thinking that the local ISP would be free of busy signals, given two facts: 1) The population around here isn't terribly big, and 2) From the looks of things, there aren't many with computers, or maybe that's just an hour south of here in West Virginia (cue "Dueling Banjos"). Well, lo and behold, at both what would be considered "peak hours" and "off-peak hours", I get the occasional busy signal, which infuriates me to no end. It is even more infuriating when my computer, which is set up to redial up to 10 times in just such a situation, proceeds to redial 10 times only to get 10 BUSY SIGNALS!!! Perhaps it's just the fact that I find so few sources of irritation anymore that I've got to be extra-irritated by the little things in life just to make up for it all. On the other hand, I believe it was Gavin Rossdale and Bush who once sang, "It's the little things that kill", so consider that as well....

THIS DAMNED THING IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF NOW!!! Yeah, sorry I couldn't finish this up yesterday, but this time when I got knocked off, I tried to get on and the sound coming out of the modem was not that of a typical dial tone, but instead something you might get if you held a telephone underwater and then stepped on it repeatedly. Therefore, I had to shut the computer down for the night and give it another go today.

Now I know the situation is one that should be remedied, lest I further bore you to tears with my incessant whining about my crappy modem. There are possible things I could do theoretically, but none are practical at this point. I don't have the money for a new modem, and installing it is a completely different animal altogether. I still have the groove in my left index finger (although four years later, it is kinda fading now finally) from a previous attempt to install a card, which resulted in said finger being sliced open when I lost my grip on the thing as I pushed it into the slot. They don't have cable connections out here; digital cable, yes, cable Internet, no. So all that is left for me to do is let it be.

So let it be considered a warning right now that I am not, nor will I be the easiest person to get in touch with at this time. I knew dial-up was going to be a struggle, considering that I do have two female roommates (yes I'm stereotyping, but I can back it up with proof if you so desire... and have a camcorder). I did not realize it was going to be a struggle the likes of which have not been seen since Sisyphus got introduced to a very big rock and a very big hill. But like any eternal struggle, if there is anything we have learned from recent days, it is to keep our heads up and persevere, to try to lead a normal existence. And so I must, trying as hard as I can to keep my cool and deal with an ever increasing headache such as... hey... am I still connected to this thing? OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... *click*

As American as Apple Pie and Stale Bubble Gum

In an attempt to withdraw from the chaos and tragedy that has played out nightly on our television screens lately, I am watching a lot more baseball. Not just because my Mets are back in contention again (although that helps), but because as Americans, we should be thankful that we are a strong enough and resilient enough nation that we can withstand horrible terrorist attacks, come together as a people and proclaim that we will get back to our normal lives. So when baseball came back and I started watching again, I was reminded of something I had wanted to do just before I moved down here, but never did, and that was to bring my baseball card collection with me. I don't really know why I wanted to, I guess it was to have some sort of connection with my childhood nearby at all times, just to gaze at occasionally.

It has got be thinking back to the olden days when I used to be a religious baseball card collector and spent most of my money on baseball cards (as opposed to today where I spend most of it on CDs... when I have money). My dad first got me interested when I was just starting to show interest in baseball as a 9-year old kid. He got me the full 1987 Topps set for Christmas, and a shiny new album to put all 792 of the cards in. This was definitely a simpler time for the baseball card industry. You had three major card companies: Topps, Donruss, and Fleer. You had your player cards, your All-Star cards, your team leader cards, your Diamond Kings if you collected Donruss. It was easy as that, buy them, trade them, get the whole set, unless you were like me and had the whole set bought for you.

Except that I didn't know jack about baseball or card collecting at the time, and my peers took advantage of that and basically lifted all of my good cards by swapping large amounts of lesser quality doubles for them. So now I no longer had the full 792-card set, and to this day I still don't think I have the whole thing. Well, the next year I set about the process of collecting the whole set a piece at a time, hoping to track down every last card, which was REALLY fun, and by that I mean fun like a head injury. In those days, every pack was 40 cents, and being 9 years old, I got a $5 a week allowance. I got more if I begged my mom pretty please, I HAVE to get more cards!!! So you get the packs of 15 cards a piece, and once you unwrapped the wax paper cover, you were confronted with the great "extra" that was included with Topps baseball cards-- a stale piece of chewing gum. This not only stained the back of one of the cards (usually the one with the most potential to gain in value, like a Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card), but it was also rock hard. But you chewed it anyway, it was part of the fun, even though I mean you had to chew it, usually to pieces before it somehow coagulated back into a wad of gum again.

The problem with this method, as you can imagine, is that eventually after you get about halfway through the set, you wind up buying packs that are at least 90% doubles. Other than my friend Bob from down the street, there weren't many people I knew that I could trade cards with, so it kinda meant I couldn't wheel and deal my way to a full set. As a result, I never finished the '88 set either. So what did I do the next year? Went back to square one and got the whole 1989 Topps set at once, and this time put the binder I put the cards in away, never to be removed for any reason other to look at them.

As the years went on, I of course developed an appreciation for older cards as well, mostly older Mets cards, and I made it a goal to get as many sets of Mets cards going back as far as I could, including those silly "Traded" cards that Topps put out in the middle of the season that only seem to show up at card shows but somehow wind up having more profit potential than the normal ones. I was pretty good at that, and I continued to try to collect full sets a pack at a time, without success unfortunately.

Speaking of card shows, I frequented those all the time during my middle school and early high school days. I went to every one Camillus Mall had (this was when Camillus Mall was at its height of business and popularity, and this was after Carousel opened by the way, adding more fuel to the argument that Carousel DID NOT kill Camillus Mall, but I digress...) and if I wasn't satisfied with what I had done at the Camillus card show, I'd go to the next show a week or two later at Shoppingtown or Fayetteville. Between Bob and myself, we had the whole town staked out. I also frequented a nice card shop on the North Side, the name escapes me.

Why did I stop collecting? Two reasons, primarily, and the first is obvious-- I grew up. Once you hit 14, 15 or so, your focus on what to do with your money shifts from collecting baseball cards to the important things in life: CDs, saving for a computer or car, spending money on social events or to buy things for girls you like. The other reason I stopped was the 1994-95 players strike; while it didn't kill my interest in the game, it killed my interest in baseball cards, and it also wrecked the market. You can still see that if you buy a price guide, which I did a couple years back. I discovered, to my horror, that my full 1989 Topps set was worth about half the value of a brand new out of the box 1999 Topps set.

There's no way I would collect today, because there's now about 20 different brands of cards, and each brand name puts out 5 or 6 sets, and they all have special cards, and how do they make up for this wide rollout? Smaller sets. There's only about 500 cards for your typical set today, so not even all of the players get their own card anymore (that's a shame). And the packs alone cost about $2 each, making it nearly impossible to collect a whole set pack by pack. They've taken all the fun out of it, I would imagine. Someday when I'm a star, I should buy up the Topps company just to smack all the execs over the head for what they've done. In the meantime, I think I'll work on getting my collection down here to PA so I can look at them for a while...

The 'N Sync Career Salvation Awards

So once again, the annual spectacle known as the MTV Video Music Awards has come and gone. From the often-repeated attempts to portray the "history" of this event, you would think that there are only four ? memories from the first 17 of these:

- how weird everyone looked in the first one
- Arsenio Hall hosted it a bunch of times
- L'il Kim wore an outfit one year that exposed one of her (as Tom Green put it) "boobies" and Diana Ross "went to second base" with her, and
- Britney took it off last year

Well, when the history of this year's VMAs is written, what version will we get, what actually happened or what MTV wants you to remember? Simple. That was answered in the first 30 seconds of the post-show last Thursday night. I will ask you all a simple question, and we'll see if you actually paid attention to the events of the other night. The question is this: Who won the most Moon Men?

BZZZZZ, wrong!!! It was NOT 'N Sync. Fatboy Slim won five awards, FIVE. However, you wouldn't know it if you watched the awards or worse yet, MTV's "spin" on the awards known as the VMA Post-Show. I turned it off after the first 30 seconds because they immediately started gushing about how 'N Sync dominated and it was their night and on and on and *click*. I also shut it off because I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: "Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool..." Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it.

Anyhoo, back to the 'N Sync Career Salvation Awards, cuz this is what last night was. This just confirms everything that I ever believed about MTV and how they control what is popular. That annoying "Pop" song was a dud on the pop charts, barely breaking the Top 20 on Billboard and then plunging, radio wasn't being too receptive to their next single, and "Celebrity" was starting to look like a one-week wonder sales-wise, selling 2 million the first week and then immediately starting a slow descent down the charts. MTV had to do something to save their careers, cuz let's face it, the teen-pop genre is in trouble. If that goes down, nobody watchesTRL anymore and what would they do with Carson Daly? He certainly didn't look like he belonged when he was up there introducing U2 (both times, before and after MTV f-ed up and went to commercial), and whose bright idea was it for him to suddenly pop up in the audience interviewing J.Lo in the middle of the show?

Teen pop is dying a slow, ugly death and this only seems to prolong the agony for everyone. 98 Degrees can't get arrested, O-Town is o-ver, they had to group Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Dream together for the same presentation to remind people that they still existed. Speaking of that, by the way, nice move sticking the short Jessica next to the tall Mandy. It's a shame that Mandy had to have those others grafted onto her, because she's the only one of them who will still have a career 12 months from now. The Backstreet Boys hit the wall when A.J. hit rehab; their 5-second appearance was nothing more than a reminder that THEY still existed, and A.J. got the heck out before he could get made fun of anymore.

That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) Meanwhile, they won best dance video, best group video, best pop video, and the Viewer's Choice, which may as well be the 'N Sync Award anyway, because who else calls this thing besides 'N Sync's target demo-- 12-18 year old girls? And the only reason I can see that "Lady Marmalade" won the Best Video of the year was because 'N Sync was not nominated. By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV. Oh by the way, can Christina Aguilera be any more of a diva? At least she's not in the loony bin like Mariah.

Now, all award shows are known to go long timewise; however, MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. Every time someone came up to present an award, it was "Oh by the way, my new album, 'YadaYadaYada' comes out on yadayada." It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months.

However, back to 'N Sync. What this proves is what MTV has wanted to accomplish all along; Billboard is no longer relevant, Top 40 radio is no longer relevant. "Pop" was a dud on the charts, radio shied away from it because radio is moving away from teen pop to avoid a ratings backlash similar to the one that followed the death of disco, and now you would think that it was the song of the year. However, rest assured that outside of MTV's universe, nothing has changed. "Celebrity" might get a slight bump in sales, but "Pop" won't suddenly turn around on the charts, radio won't go rushing to play the new single, and the "style over substance" trend will continue to decline. It has simply gotten ridiculous. Fatboy Slim won five awards, but four of them came before the show even started, because after all, who would an average MTV viewer rather see on stage, Christopher Walken or 'N Sync? Still, I was amused that Christopher Walken beat out Janet Jackson for best choreography; I'll betcha Janet never uses that choreographer again.

You knew MTV was taking the style over substance thing too far when the first MTV2 Award went to a bunch of guys whose attire for the evening included a makeup job that looked like they had just been shot in the head. I thought for sure it would go to Gorillaz. Now there's an example of bucking the style over substance trend, their whole act is that they hide behind cartoon images that don't even resemble them, the cartoons play on the screen while they play in the background. How many of you knew that the lead singer of Gorillaz is in fact, the leader singer of Blur? Very few of you, I'll bet. Back to these IQ champs who won the award, I'm very sure I wasn't the only one who was wishing those bullet wounds to the head were real.

If you need any more proof, just look at Britney's performance which ended the show. While the boa constrictor was an interesting touch, about halfway through the song, I proclaimed, "OK, I'm over it." Which I am. Britney has become a cartoon of herself, Jessica Simpson (a.k.a. Britney II) is more real than her now. I don't see either that new single or album going far, so she may be done. All this leaves me begging, no, pleading for that "new sound", that "next big thing" I referred to a few months ago.

There are a few signs that we may be on the verge of it, we may know who the stars of the next few years are, that started to show at the VMAs if you were actually paying attention any time 'N Sync wasn't on stage. Alicia Keys was great, and I like her sound, "Fallin'" is kinda like a smoky piano blues number updated for today's tastes, and if her other stuff is anything like this, she may have the Best New Artist Grammy locked up next February. I also like Staind; they performed their new single, "Fade", and even though they've been all over the place this year, I don't feel like Staind has a burnout potential right now.

So 12 months from now, expect everyone who was there this year to still be there at the VMAs, only there will be a lot more people asking the all-too relevant question, "What are you still doing here?"

A Generation Loses Its Innocence

September 11, 2001 started just like any other day, a beautiful late summer morning, blue skies. I stumbled out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5:15 to throw down some cereal and head for work, another morning of running the board, sending "The Bob & Tom Show" to the masses. The show was its usual OK quality, I like them sometimes, sometimes they go a little too far into the gutter, but I was laughing at some of the stuff, deciding what would be good to play on Saturday for "Best of" segments. It was already an unusual morning at work, as the automated weather radio wouldn't give the local forecast and the time and temperature phone wasn't picking up. I was awaiting 10:00 and the chance to get back on the production room computer and work some more on new imaging for the station.

Coming out of the end of the hour break at 9:00, Bob & Tom shared grim news that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center in NYC. I, as did they and most of the world, thought that there had been a gross miscalculation by some moron pilot or air traffic controller, and Bob & Tom went back to joking about stuff in the news. Then, they received word that a second, much bigger jet had slammed into the other one of the Twin Towers. Suddenly, a normal morning in America was changed forever, and it was the case everywhere as people started to congregate around TV sets, gaping at the ceaseless replays of the plane hitting the tower. Before leaving the board at 10, word came down that a plane had hit the Pentagon, and from there, the rumors went wild. It wasn't panic or mass hysteria, but more of a nation frozen, unsure of what to do and only left to guess. Meanwhile in lower Manhattan, where only three months previous, myself and a few friends stopped for a moment on a June midnight to take in the wondrous towers before catching a train for New Jersey, chaos was ensuing, as one tower came down, and then as I watched in horror on live TV back at my apartment, the other one plunged to the ground. News spread like wildfire, as I rushed home from work, I stopped at the Sheetz and all everyone in the store talked about was what was going on. We had no TV at the radio station and there wasn't one at Sheetz, either, it was all going on word of mouth. AM stations had gone directly to constant news coverage, soon FMs would do the same.

The next hour was incredibly tense. There's a rumor that a car bomb went off at the State Department, a rumor that there was another plane headed for the Capitol, then a confirmed report of a plane down in Pennsylvania, about 100-150 miles west of me; perhaps, the plane that was intended to hit the Capitol. We all became one as we took in the updates, VH1 and ESPN and other cable networks dropped programming, Major League Baseball canceled games, people were sent home from work early, government buildings evacuated, malls and schools closed. We no longer worried about our personal affairs, I no longer cared about my latest sunburn or the 63 points that were hung on my alma mater last Saturday in football. It was the most surreal thing anyone could imagine, and yet there were the images on TV, ingrained on our memories forever.

My generation wasn't born at the time of Pearl Harbor, we weren't born yet when JFK was assassinated. We remember the Gulf War, but paid little interest; to my social studies class, it was cool that we just got to watch TV instead of having to worry about lessons and homework and tests. Oklahoma City was bombed when I was in high school, the shock was faint for me, but the repercussions still fill the news headlines on occasion. My generation has never had to deal with something like this, at our age, we figured we never would have to. Gulf War aside, there hadn't been anything of a magnitude even approaching this since Vietnam. Now, my generation sat in stunned silence watching, and we raced to phones to try to call loved ones, and couldn't get through because everyone was trying to reach everyone. We ran to our computers, got on the Internet, sought out friends and relatives via Instant Message, as the Global Village grew closer and more tight-knit. National news anchors gasped at the pictures, BBC anchors shook their heads in disbelief, Fox News Channel anchors screamed about Osama Bin Laden and how to respond. Then after dark, President Bush addressed the nation and brought us together some more. 12 hours after I laughed at Bob & Tom joking about the president butchering a statement on improving education, I sat in front of the TV set smiling and proud to be an American and proud to have George W. Bush as my president.

Most of the details in the preceding paragraphs are already widely known facts to everyone. I have just noticed that they look even more gripping in print, as was the case when I read my copy of the Baltimore Sun today. Shockwaves still reverberate, radio shows that normally specialize in hijink and at times men's locker room humor turned into call-in talk shows as the nation spoke, cried, related stories, and vented its collective spleen. Most of the spleen venting centers on two things: the unanswered question of how could this happen, and the images both in Palestine and in America of Palestinians dancing with joy at the news that thousands of Americans were dead. There is a lot of sentiment in America today that the West Bank should be turned into one giant green glowing parking lot, and Afghanistan with it, for they are harboring Mr. bin Laden, the supposed ringleader of this operation.

And then there was by far the dumbest and most obscenely inappropriate phone call of them all, a caller to Mr. Limbaugh's show (Mr. Limbaugh by the way puts part of the blame for this on a certain former president, no shock there). This caller seemed to be more disturbed at the fact that our nation's businesses had to close and that employees didn't get paid, money didn't get made, stocks weren't traded than the fact that thousands were dead, employers and employees dead, parents dead, Americans dead.

The answer to how could this happen may never be known fully; somehow, someway, the series of events causing this catastrophe did indeed take place. Who to blame is becoming more evident, and suspects and evidence are being rounded up. People worry that our response has not been immediate and punishing enough, but I ask these people just what the hell are we supposed to do right now? Just start bombing indiscriminately throughout the Middle East until we actually hit someone related to this? Cooler heads need to prevail at least in the sense that we cannot fight the enemy until we know who the enemy is. If it is indeed Afghanistan, then we must go after bin Laden and flush the Taliban out of power. Sure there are risks involved; other Arab nations could attack our troops over there, more bombings could take place here, the n-word ("nukes") is thrown around like nothing but you fear it actually happening. Meanwhile on the homefront, people want to go to Paterson, NJ or their local 7-11 or taxi cab office (cuz according to the stereotypes, that's where you'll find Arabs) and either A) haul their butts into concentration camps, B) beat them to death, or C) both.

Anger is a very scary thing to possess. I alone know the power of one person's anger channeled in wrong ways, and let's face it, anger tends to make people think less rationally than they would otherwise. However, when it's millions of people's anger, it's not only a supremely powerful force, but a scary one and one we can only hope can be contained until such time as it is channeled into means that will accomplish the desired ends of the whole country, not just those with extreme or temporarily irrational views. We are the greatest nation on earth, but part of that great quality is our restraint, our unwillingness to fly off the handle and toss a couple Patriot missiles around whenever we get pissed. Take courage in the fact that there are great minds at work devising what we do next, and when we decide what to do next and whom to do it to, stand by the decisions and your country. Meanwhile, life goes on, because we need it to go on.

September 12, 2001 started just like any other day, a beautiful late summer morning, blue skies...

I Pick the Pros 'Til They Scab and Bleed

OK, part 2 of the old yearly football picks thing. Time for the NFL (this year's motto: Pardon The Refs, We're Renegotiating...) and I don't know about you, but it seems like the interest in pro football as we approach the season is kinda lagging. I don't know if its because nobody outside of Baltimore wants to see the Ravens win another championship or if it's disappointment over the fact that Ryan Leaf is no longer in the league, but I for one am not really up for the season. Of course, the reason could actually be the fact that as a Jets fan, I have resigned myself to the fact that the optimism created by our 1998 run to the AFC title game when we were 30 minutes from the Super Bowl is over. It is now time to go back to accepting 8-8 every year.

Now, I have previously referenced my luck with football predictions; it's usually a 50-50 thing, which would be 50% in the ballpark and 50% not even close. So keep that in mind as we move along here...

Since my Jets are in the AFC East, let's start there. This is the Colts' division until anything drastic changes in the balance of power in the division and the league. They have Peyton Manning, they have Edgerrin James, and they have Marvin Harrison. Manning, James, and Harrison have never been hurt in their careers, and if that holds to form, Indy wins, hands down. Now as for second place, I have admitted that I was dead wrong on Miami last season. I said that not only was Damon Huard a better QB than Jay Fiedler, but that there was a chance they would contend for the top draft pick last season. Miami has a good team, a good defense, but not a great team. They will compete with the Jets for second place, the team that has a winning record might get it, but 9-7 won't get you in the playoffs in the AFC this year. Then there's Buffalo. The Bills are in deep trouble, and I stand by my prediction that Rob Johnson will be hurt in the first game and out for the season by Week 6. The Bills will be 6-10 at best and at worst could bring back memories of the Hank Bullough days of the mid-1980s. As bad as the Bills are, the Patriots are worse. The Terry Glenn fiasco was just the beginning, this is going to be a long sports year in Boston.

The AFC Central offers the top divisional dogfight in the NFL, the defending champs and the Tennessee Titans. Baltimore proved that defense wins championships, but the fact is NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH DEFENSE WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS, and ditching Dilfer is really going to hurt in the long run. Tennessee has a good quarterback in Steve McNair and a healthy running back in Eddie George (the Ravens' top runner is out for the season), and of course their D rivals that of Baltimore for tops in the league. In a deep division such as the AFC Central, three teams will easily make the playoffs, and so there will be a good battle between the Jaguars and Steelers for that spot. It all depends on whether or not Kordell Stewart finally returns to form and Mark Brunell can stay healthy. Cleveland and Cincinnati as usual bring up the rear, as the state of Ohio wonders if by combining the two, they might be able to squeeze out a 7-9 season.

In the AFC West, Denver is back, and if they can keep all their running backs happy, they'll have a good year and take the division. Even better, perhaps, if one of them is unhappy with his playing time, the Broncos could deal him to shore up another position and improve their depth, something that always comes into play come January. Now I know Oakland made it to the AFC title game last year, and I know I've been burned in the past by picking against a team merely because I don't like them, but Oakland can't have two good years in a row, they are the Raiders, after all. So, they fight with Seattle and the pack in the AFC Central for the last wild-card spot. The Seahawks may have found an answer in Matt Hasselbeck at QB, and may I note that the mere fact that Jon Kitna is a Bengal now proves that I was right all along by saying Kitna was not a Super Bowl-caliber signal-caller. Meanwhile, KC and San Diego are just taking up space, but the Chargers will be better with Flutie directing the offense.

Over to the NFC... I would be more likely to call the Giants one-year wonders than the Ravens; there are way too many variables that are too likely to come undone with New York than with Baltimore. Too many things fell into place last year for New York that are unlikely to happen again. That said, they still are good enough to at least share the NFC East title with Philadelphia, as the Eagles will have a year of growing pains ahead. I dare say they may be a good pick for the Super Bowl in 2002, but first it would be nice if they got their turf fixed. Elsewhere... once upon a time I hated Dallas, it was Jerry Jones, the fact that they beat Buffalo in the Super Bowl twice, the fact that they were as smug as the Yankees are now. Well now, they've hit bottom, and I like them again, because I like underdogs, I like upstarts, and this is one. Quincy Carter is a good-looking prospect and he can get the Cowboys to .500, which is better than a lot of people are saying. Washington, meanwhile, has no prayer of making the playoffs. The likely scenario in D.C. will be a replay of last season, only Tony Banks replaces Brad Johnson and Marty Schottenheimer of course takes the role of Norv Turner: Banks displaces Jeff George as starter, Marty likes Banks, Daniel Snyder likes George (still), Snyder forces Marty to play George, George stinks, Redskins miss playoffs, Marty gets fired. Arizona is awful; how sad to see that they have fallen so far from the team they were just a couple years ago when they beat Dallas in the playoffs.

Minnesota remains the team to beat in the NFC Central for at least one more year; maybe after Cris Carter is retired, they may slip. They put points on the board, they play on the plastic stuff, and the tragic death of Korey Stringer will serve only as extra motivation to do well. Now I can hear the Tampa Bay fans now wondering why I haven't anointed them as the new kings of the "Norris Division"; after all, they did sign Brad Johnson to be their quarterback. Here's the problem, BucFan, you threw money at a big name free agent when you HAD NO QUARTERBACK PROBLEM. Shaun King is a damn good quarterback and a very effective leader. It's going to take a 4-4 start for Tony Dungy to realize that, and then you may very well have a Doug Flutie-Rob Johnson situation on your hands. Detroit is still spinning its wheels, they probably still hold out hope that Barry Sanders will come back. Chicago is beyond pathetic; Cade McNown was apparently a failure and there isn't much left to salvage. They'll get the top pick next April, but Dick Jauron likely won't be there to help make the selection.

The NFC West may not be the worst division in football anymore, the AFC East and NFC East are strong contenders. Still, it's a one-horse race as the Rams will have everyone healthy and a better D, and despite the continued improvement of Aaron Brooks, the Saints still have a way to go to catch them. The 49ers are on the way back, and Jeff Garcia and Garrison Hearst could become one of the best QB-RB tandems in the league this year. The Falcons and Panthers will continue to struggle, expect a baptism by fire for both Michael Vick and Chris Weinke.

So here's the rundown:

AFC East AFC Central AFC West
Indianapolis* 13-3 Tennessee* 13-3 Denver* 11-5
Miami 9-7 Baltimore* 12-4 Oakland* 10-6
NY Jets 8-8 Pittsburgh* 10-6 Seattle 9-7
Buffalo 6-10 Jacksonville 9-7 Kansas City 5-11
New England 4-12 Cleveland 4-12 San Diego 4-12
Cincinnati 3-13

NFC East NFC Central NFC West
NY Giants* 10-6 Minnesota* 12-4 St. Louis* 12-4
Philadelphia* 10-6 Green Bay* 10-6 New Orleans 9-7
Dallas 8-8 Tampa Bay* 9-7 San Francisco 8-8
Washington 7-9 Detroit 6-10 Atlanta 6-10
Arizona 4-12 Chicago 2-14 Carolina 5-11
(*- playoff teams)

AFC Championship Game: Indianapolis vs. Denver
NFC Championship Game: Minnesota vs. St. Louis
Super Bowl Whatever-the-Heck It Is (37?): Indianapolis vs. St. Louis