Out of Hiding

Uh, hi. I guess I haven't been a good little columnist lately. Sure, somebody with the discipline and professionalism of your better national pundits wouldn't have just let something like this slide for over a month, but you forget that they have something I don't have: a job as a columnist. Besides, I bill myself as an "amateur columnist", so a disappearing act like this is about as amateur as one can get.

So, what the heck was I doing? Certainly not sleeping, that's for sure. My story is one of man against technology, and considering what I do best is go off on rants about things, what better way to restart this endeavor than to rant away. My former roommate was, shall we say, not too prompt with her bill payments. The lesson learned from this is not to let somebody you don't know handle the bills. The phone was shut off in late January. Now this might be a problem for someone who lives on the telephone (like, say, my ex-roommate). Not for myself. I rarely used the phone as it was, and I had the good old Internet when I wanted to chat with people. However, not having a phone can pose problems for one's love life. Not that I have one, but humor me here. What is the first thing any aspiring romantic obtains from a potential object of his affection? Well, her name would help, so I guess I should ask what the second thing is. Her phone number. Let me tell you from current experience, it is not the best way to break the ice with a woman to say, "Can I have your phone number so I can call you when I finally have phone service again?"

Next obstacle was my Internet connection, formerly referred to as "good old". That is when it's not attached to a computer that you inadvertently goofed up when you first installed A) the connection itself, then B) Windows XP. XP is the greatest thing since sliced bread. At least it is when you remove anything that might conflict with it. Telling XP that you want the software that came with the Internet connection to run on it is like giving XP a license to cause trouble. Much like a 2-year old, give it what it likes, it'll laugh and giggle and play away. Give it something it doesn't like, it'll throw a tantrum, and it won't do much else, and you'll have to spend all your time attending to it. Anyhoo, long story short, it took what happened next for me to finally fix the problem.

That being losing the connection altogether. Did I mention my ex-roomie's inability to pay bills? The cable got shut off just before I moved out, so bye-bye Internet. Which, of course, means bye-bye column. Being incommunicado sucks, especially in the communications age. Next, I proceeded to take up temporary residence with a co-worker from the radio station, one who does not believe in having either phone or cable. So, again, I was prevented from yelling out this "voice in the wilderness" that is my column, or anything in general. The only positive I can take from the whole experience is that I got very adept at using the old rabbit-ears to pick up television signals. That would be an antenna for those of you born after 1980. By the time I was in my new place getting the cable set up, I could pick up half the stations in Harrisburg and Baltimore. Baltimore TV is quite interesting; the morning show on the CBS affiliate is just that, a morning show. It's like they tried to take the radio morning show concept (two guys bantering about stuff) and apply it to television. It fails miserably, but the curiosity factor was enough to get my attention for a couple days anyway.

So here I am now, in my new place, with all the modern conveniences back in place. XP is behaving like a nice little child, er, operating system, and my phone is back on, in my name, and I still rarely use it (work-related stuff and that's it). And most importantly (for all of you anyway), I have my old buddy the cable Internet connection back. And cable. Digital cable. If you haven't gotten this, it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered. But in a good way. Remember the people who said not so long ago that we would soon have 500 channels to choose from? Here they are, including 4 MTVs, 4 VH-1s, and countless HBO's, Cinemaxes, and Starz's (or is that Starzz?) Now when I see "Josie and the Pussycats" is on Starz, first I think, "YES!!! TARA REID!!!" And then I think, "And I actually can watch this!" No, wait, first I say, "YES!!! TARA REID!!!", then I say, "YES!!! RACHAEL LEIGH COOK!!!", then I say I can watch this. David, welcome to the 21st century.

Also, there are digital music channels, which are nice when the 200+ CDs you own, the countless MP3s you have on Winamp, and of course the number of radio stations in the Cham-Hag-Way market aren't enough to get it done. Suffice to say, my TV is always on now, either on a show, movie, or the classic rock channel. Want the music with picture, flip on the MTV Rock channel, or better, VH-1 Classic. Yup, all hideous 80s videos, all the time, only they don't seem to have much variety, because it always seems to wind up on Terrence Trent D'Arby "Wishing Well" every 7 hours. Then again, that's exactly what MTV was at the beginning, so put yourself in the time tunnel.

So I am back. And I've got a lot of things to write about, so I may be bucking this once-a-week trend for a while until I get this all out of my system. For all of you who have read this over the past months, thanks for your interest, because it's pointless to just write this for my own amusement. For those of you who just discovered this site, you've come at a good time, because it's basically time for me to start over with this column, and it's not just the new background (incidentally, that's for you Kristen, hope this is easier on your eyes than the old brick wall). I'm going right back to the beginning... the next column goes right back to a primary theme of my diatribes that goes all the way back to my first column, my battle against mass-produced pop culture. Cover me, boys (and girls), I'm goin' in...