THIS JUST IN!!! Consumer Protection Division

In the interest of serving the public and ensuring that you all don't accidentally cause holiday tragedies, for the first time ever, I have mobilized the Consumer Protection Division here at TJI. I've gone in search of the things you should avoid this Christmas shopping season. And I don't mean the usual assortment of useless sweaters, socks, ties, and so on that everyone gives everyone when they have to give something but don't care much to. I don't even mean the people who take a gift from a previous year and "re-gift" it to someone else. I mean, there are evil things at work here.

Of these, there is nothing more evil than the person who actually thought it was a good idea to create the 'N Sync bobble-head dolls. Yes, you read correctly, someone has taken one of the coolest things to come out of the world of baseball, the bobble-head doll, and made five of them in the form of 'N F#%@ING SYNC!!! And using the method perfected by video game machine makers, they are only releasing one of the poppies at a time, one per week until Christmas, thus ensuring utter chaos every Saturday morning from now until the holidays. And for what? A plastic figurine with a head that nods or shakes endlessly. But I guess the point is whose head it is? Myself, if I ever got any of those dolls, I'd have to take up target shooting just for the occasion. And I thought it had gone too far when they were selling 'N Sync marionettes last Christmas...

This isn't the only scam going on across America this holiday season, and it may not even be the most nefarious (now THERE'S a five-dollar word). Scanning through my daily paper lately, I've seen lots of ads for fly-by-night operations selling home anthrax test kits and other "necessary" homeland security products. Funny how these things only pop up when people are terrified by the very thought of anthrax. I seriously doubt these snake oil salesmen were in business selling these things six months ago. Or maybe they were, they just called them "hoof-and-mouth detection kits". Anyway, if anyone is dumb enough to actually buy one of these things, then they deserve to get ripped off. Honestly, I shouldn't even have to warn you people about these things; I trust you're all smart enough to know a ridiculous scam when you see one. However, just as stupid warning labels are often necessary to prevent lawsuits from stupid people, sometimes the obvious needs to be stated in this case as well. First of all, who the hell is going to send Joe Average an anthrax letter? Democrat and liberal leaders, well, we saw what happened there (anyone notice that the day I posed my theory, they found the letter in Leahy's office... will nobody admit I'm right about this?) As for all of us normal people, I have full faith and confidence in our country's ability to keep that stuff out of our mail. Hucksters looking to make a quick buck can't stand people like me.

Speaking of scams that you wouldn't buy for or recieve from anyone, has any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? I have never, ever seen one of these actually sitting on someone's windowsill or coffee table or whatever. The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get. Somehow, someway, they've managed to stay afloat all these years, so they must be doing something right. The lesson from this, however, is that I would never give these things, nor should anyone else, unless you really hated them. Why else would you give a gift that would only cause ridicule of the giftee? Give the gift of a Clapper or Chia Pet at your own peril; the receiver will find a way to get you back good next year.

Now, I would never be caught dead in a Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic, Abercrombie and Fitch, I could go on and on, but the point is I wouldn't go to these places because I do not believe that the label on my clothing defines who I am or what my social status should be. In that vein, can somebody please explain to me why there is such a thing as the Baby Gap, and why Old Navy makes its designer clothing in baby sizes? Is it really that important to you to have your baby become a status symbol through the clothing you buy for it? I can see it now: day care facilities across the country where babies are being ostracized because their parents bought their infant clothing at Wal-Mart, thus setting them up for a lifetime of social rejection. Yeesh, are you kidding me? I am friends with two young women who have recently become mothers and I hope and pray that nobody will think this is a good idea for a Christmas gift for them.

Finally, the Consumer Protection Division offers some handy tips for your holiday movie experience. After all, malls have movie theatres, you'll want to stop and plunk down $8 more for a ticket sooner or later. If you are going to see Monsters, Inc., show up 5-10 minutes late if you want to skip the trailers. Now I for one like watching trailers, but I know some people don't, so it gives you a little leeway if you're late arriving at the movie. The Washington Post recently reported that film studios have insisted on double the amount of trailers to run before the Harry Potter movie, so plan on arriving 20 minutes late for that, although you may not be able to find a seat if you wait that long. And also be advised that the Star Wars Episode 2 trailer has started running before certain movies; if it shows before "Harry Potter" and you still wish to observe the 20 minutes late rule, be prepared to bull rush your way through the hordes of cybergeeks who will be swarming out of the theatre at this point, because they came to the theatre only to watch said trailer and are not interested in a boy from England learning magic.

Oh, and happy shopping!

I Am Officially No Longer a Kid

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2001 Christmas shopping season, where we the buying public shall do our best to be patriotic and prop up the sagging U.S. economy by running around like madmen throwing money at whatever will keep the light in your young child's eyes shining.

Do I seem bitter and perhaps a tad bit cynical? Well, it would be for a couple of reasons. First of all, there's the fact that the 2001 Christmas shopping season has of course been well underway for weeks now, due to the fact that the holiday has become so overcommercialized, people feel the need to push Christmas all the way back almost to Halloween. Mall parking lots are already full, Santa's been on his chair for weeks, cresche scenes and Christmas parades have already made their appearance, and radio stations across the country have already switched format to the All-Christmas music format. Did I mention that this is already the year when we are lucky enough to have the largest span of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Not that it matters, because if Black Friday had been on the 29th rather than the 23rd, we still would be weeks deep into this madness.

It is sheer overload, folks, I'm sorry. I cannot deal with 6-7 weeks straight of Santa decorations and 56 different versions of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" or "Jingle Bells" playing over muzak systems. And when I finally snap over it, people will call me a Grinch and say I have no Christmas spirit. Yes, I do have Christmas spirit, but like everything else in this world, it is not in infinite supply, maybe only 3-4 weeks worth, which fits nicely between Black Friday and the day just before Christmas when I've finally gotten the last couple of presents (that day hopefully not being Christmas Eve). Force me to use it in November, and it's gone by, well, now. And as for the All-Christmas music stations, let me use my vast experience and knowledge in radio to say, without question, that this is the DUMBEST IDEA IN HISTORY! Even worse than the all-80s format that plays only the 50 most recognizable (and often most annoying) songs from that decade. Every Arbitron-rated market is in a ratings period right now; it last through the middle of next month. The sooner a station flips to "Jingle Bell Rock" 24-7, the sooner its regular listeners start changing the station because one can only take so much. Therefore, you're looking at a bunch of stations whose all-important Fall numbers will suffer because they lost all their listeners the last month of the book since they went All-Christmas.

My other reason for all this holiday season cynicism is the fact that I have absolutely no interest in the major recent developments that set the tone for this year's shopping season. Those being the "Harry Potter" movie and the glut of new video game consoles. I have no problem with the "Harry Potter" books. I say anything that gets kids to read is a great thing; heck, my mom even reads "Harry Potter". All the Christian groups who think that kids are somehow subconsciously getting pulled into a life of "evil witchcraft" need to get a life. You people are just as whacked out as the Taliban, and just as extreme. What would you rather have your kids doing, reading "Harry Potter" or playing a shoot-em-up game with the-blood-and-guts-look-so-real graphics on their brand new X-Cube or GameStation2 or whatever the hell they're called. As for the movie, it's already smashed the records for opening weekend sales. Incidentally, the record was formerly held by "Star Wars Episode 1", which probably infuriated Star Wars fans so much that they're already staking out places to camp out in advance of next May 16 when "Episode 2" opens.

From the commercials I've seen for the movie, it looks pretty interesting. However, I have seen nothing but bad review after bad review from movie critics, which is unfortunate. In fact, I really don't think critics should be reviewing this movie. It's for kids, after all; with all the movie reviews coming from the point of view of the grizzled adult critic, looking for stuff like plot development and cinematography and whatnot, they're kinda out of touch with why the kids are going to see this movie. They're at the movie to see their hero from the books, watch him instead of envisioning him in their minds. Besides, it's not like parents are going to look at those reviews and then decide not to take their kids to this film; the decision to go to this movie has already been made by their kids, and bad reviews mean nothing to a kid whose heart is set on seeing this movie.

And speaking of things that kids feel they must have, back to the GameCube, X-Box, and PS2 (yes, I actually know the real names, I was just joking around earlier). Basically, it seems to me like it's three versions of the same game system, except that one is the well-known Sony PlayStation brand, one is made by Nintendo (the GameCube), and the other (X-Box) is made by, of all people, Microsoft. It was this time last year that I joked about this forthcoming Microsoft product, saying that like most Microsoft products, it would be a game system that crashed every five minutes. That just might be the only distinguishing characteristic about it, because I can't tell the difference between any of them. Certainly not the price tag ($300?!?) The PS2, of course, is the "grizzled veteran" of the set, having been out for a year now and easily beating its first big competitor, the Sega Saturn. The fact that it also plays DVDs puts it ahead of the crowd, and it also plays PSOne games, so the transition is easy. However, that hasn't stopped the mad mobs from flooding stores going after the X-Box or GameCube on their respective opening days. Taking a lesson from the PS2 rollout last year, Nintendo and Microsoft appear to have intentionally put out small numbers of the systems per week to keep demand through the roof until well after the holidays. Very shrewd and borderline callous strategy, but maybe it's just because they like watching parents beat the crap out of each other to get their hands on these things.

And they did today, I'm sure. I didn't even need to turn on the news today to know that it happened. Kay-Bee Toys opened at 5:00 this morning at the Chambersburg Mall. 5AM!!! And yet, you know damn well that there were parents massed around the entrance at 4:59, waiting for the doors to open so they could push and shove and knock each other out of the way for the first big deal on an X-Box or GameCube or PS2. Mall rage, if you will.

I, like the more sane of this country, prefer to stay out of the madness that is Black Friday, and I have no interest in any of the aforementioned game consoles. I thought I had no interest in the PSOne until I decided to get one a couple years back, but I think it's pretty much over for me and game machines. I shell out the C-note or two for the thing, and then all I get is a "Final Fantasy" game or sports game and as soon as I master it (don't necessarily beat it, just master it), I get bored with it and leave it there to collect dust. I swear I have not touched my PSOne since I moved here three-plus months ago. It might just be that at the age of 23, I have finally left my childhood behind. Then again, considering the number of adults who enjoy these things just as much as kids do, maybe I'm just treating it as one more item in the Best Buy ad that I want but cannot afford. That's the way it goes, you know; when you're a kid, you thumb through the Toys 'R Us catalog and dream of playing with the toys in there, and once you become an adult, it's the Best Buy or Circuit City ad that you look through every week, dreaming again of "toys". Somebody stop me before I start up a Christmas list that'll make my mom's eyes bug out....

They're Not Just in Afghanistan, Ya Know

Since September 11, I have tried to keep this column light and entertaining, as I follow the lead of all of our leaders who have told us to go back to our normal lives. However, over the course of the past two months, a bunch of things have happened that when added up, I feel I must comment on them. Mostly because while we are having success in Afghanistan stopping Osama Bin Laden and destroying both Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, the atmosphere here in the States is less than celebratory.

First of all, there seemed to be some sort of misconception that despite the fact that President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld have said repeatedly that this would be a long struggle, it was all just talk and we would actually smash the Taliban in a matter of weeks, if not days. Well, recent events have proven that all we needed was a little patience, but just a week or so ago, patience was the last thing many seemed to have. There were columns comparing the mission in Afghanistan to Vietnam. Here's the difference, folks: in Vietnam, it took us about 2-3 years to realize we were in a quagmire. These columnists didn't even allow much more than 2-3 weeks to go by before claiming we had reached quagmire status. These are the ones with egg all over their faces right now, because unlike in Vietnam, there are tangible results now in Afghanistan. These columnists were probably the ones who 10 years ago claimed that we 1) had no business trying to dislodge Saddam Hussein from Kuwait, and 2) should've quit after the first few weeks of bombing revealed the same thing as was the case this time: a lot of destroyed targets, but no visible change.

Then, there's the anthrax. Now that we're pretty sure that new letters aren't going to be popping up in some influential politician/journalist's mailbox, the concern is still who is responsible for this. The FBI claims it may be a domestic attack, as in some wacked-out American chose to use 9-11 as an excuse to perpetrate a wide-spread anthrax attack and then get it blamed on Bin Laden. I would go a little further with this claim and produce my own theory: it may be politically motivated. Consider the targets: trash tabloid journalists who until recently were producing stories of sloppy drunk presidential daughters, a major network news anchor, and the Democrat majority leader of the Senate. See a pattern here? Not hard to believe some right-wing kook job with access to biological materials decided to perpetrate an attack on congressional Democrats and the so-called "liberal media". The reasoning: simple. Not only might he/she succeed in rubbing out a few political enemies, but the knee-jerk desire to crush Bin Laden and Afghanistan would result in him/her getting his/her wish with us going to all-out war over there. Remember that at the time the letters were sent out, we hadn't decided to attack Afghanistan yet.

Think the theory is far-fetched? Consider if you will the recent incident where some 200 fake anthrax letters were sent to various abortion clinics and supporters by a terrorist organization known as the Army of God. Yes, I called them terrorists. That's one of the problems in our country right now; we can easily look at a Muslim and immediately brand them a terrorist (whether they are or not), but we don't consider someone who blows up an abortion clinic a terrorist. They ARE terrorists, and should be dealt with as such. Alas, I don't see John Ashcroft bending over backwards to use his new anti-terrorism powers to round up these Army of God nutjobs and deal with them as he would if he tracks down any members of Al-Qaeda. My question is how can we stop the terrorists all over the world when we can't even stop them here at home? Worse yet, are we so concerned with stopping the foreign ones that we will look the other way and let domestic idiots have their way with us until we finally get Bin Laden.

Meanwhile, many have expressed their outrage with how the media is covering this war. They have pretty much been accused of everything but printing the entire "Anarchist's Cookbook" in the newspapers everyday, and honestly, I could do without seeing a new story on the front page every day about how many refugees are suffering, presumably because of our attack on Afghanistan or because of the Taliban or whatever. As for the accusations that the media is showing the terrorists what to do next and how to do it, if you're getting your instructions for world domination from the NBC Nightly News, then you're too lazy to come up with anything yourself, and you'll likely get caught very easily. Turn to the back of the front section and you'll see a bombardment of letters to the editor that have said everything short of "Bush should be impeached for dragging our country into war." This includes a ridiculous letter I read recently in the Baltimore Sun that attacked Bush for replacing "peace and prosperity with recession and war." Last time I checked, moron, George W. Bush didn't order nor did he execute the hijacking and crashing of large commercial aircraft into U.S. landmarks. Whomever thinks this guy had any amount of credibility, including the writer himself, is in my humble opinion, a burger shy of a Happy Meal. It's laughable trying to see the small but vocal "peacenik" community trying to tie Bush's anti-terrorism strategy to his tax cut or to his lack of support for the Kyoto protocol (which incidentally nobody else in our coalition supports).

More laughable (or perhaps more frightening or angering) is when people have tried to use the post-9-11 actions of our president to once again bring up the long-over 2000 election. This was done in most ridiculous fashion on the day of the president's address to the nation (or the ABC audience, anyway) by a writer who claimed that since Bush "stole the election", he has no right to tell us what to do about anything. The example she brought up was not allowing our media to enter Afghanistan to cover the war from the inside, like the guys at the hotel in Baghdad did during the Gulf War. Well, geez ma'am, considering that any journalists that had tried to enter Afghanistan to that point were arrested (but thank goodness not executed), I'd say our commander-in-chief has a pretty good point. If there were any left in the "he's not MY president" crowd (including about five people and Terry McAuliffe), they were hopefully finally silenced by the news that their precious media recount revealed Bush to be the winner once again. Not that it may silence them at all; after all, when nutjobs get their distorted view of the world and start acting according to it, it's near-impossible to dislodge them from that view. Just look at Bin Laden and his millions of America-hating sympathizers.

Can we change their minds, both here and across the world? Probably not. Do we have to force it on them? No, and we shouldn't. Everyone has the right to their opinion. If Osama Bin Laden had chosen to dedicate his life to leading protest marches against America, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But once his aims changed to death and terror, he became a target of our anger. Anyone here whose aims are similar to get their point across will become the same, or at least they should.

Contract This!

Well, I suppose a congratulatory pat on the back should go to the lords of baseball, because they have managed to do something nobody else had managed to do for the past month: knock the war in Afghanistan off the front page of the nation's newspapers. In case you haven't heard, Major League Baseball, just a matter of hours after completing one of the best World Series in recent memory, has already ensured itself that there probably will not be a 2002 season.

Yeah, I know, I've written this column before; in fact, it was only two weeks ago that I had first predicted here that there would not be a 2002 baseball season. However, at the time, I had no idea that it would be something other than the salary cap issue that would cause this. Instead, the baseball owners have managed to once again earn the disrespect of the game's fans, and this time it's through something called "contraction". You may have seen this elsewhere in the country in recent weeks. Some companies call it "downsizing", some call it "rightsizing", what it is, matter of factly, is layoffs, baseball style. However, instead of your local GE or Bethlehem Steel plant closing up shop and leaving town, it could be your cherished baseball franchise.

Here's the plan according to that guru of mismanagement and champion (or so we thought) of downtrodden franchises, Comandant, errr, Commissioner Bud Selig: because baseball just simply cannot operate 30 franchises right now, 2 teams must be eliminated before next season. This despite the fact that Selig was completely for the last expansion four years ago that boosted the number of teams up to 30 and eventually produced this year's world champions, the Arizona Diamondbacks. The teams must cease to exist, says Selig, they cannot be relocated. This despite the fact that Washington, D.C. and Northern Virginia have been pleading for a team for several years now and have had a concrete and ready bid for any struggling franchise for just as long.

The rest of baseball is pretty much pleading for the Montreal Expos and owner Jeffrey Loria to leave the nightmare that is an empty Olympic Stadium and move to the nation's capital. Selig's response to that: Washington is not an "acceptable" location for a major league team. Let me get this straight, Comandant Selig... the 5th-largest media market in the country isn't acceptable enough for a Major League Baseball franchise? Well, geez, in that case, let's just leave the Dodgers, Yankees, Mets, Cubs, White Sox, and Phillies, and "contract" the other 24 teams, because by your definition, their cities aren't "acceptable" either! The more likely reason that Selig is so opposed to moving the Expos to Washington is the fact that he needs Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos (a.k.a. "Steinbrenner Lite") in his corner for the brewing battle with the players union over the next collective bargaining agreement. Angelos has long stated that he will block any attempt to put a team in Washington, because he claims that it will cut into the O's fan base. Last time I checked, Pete, your team drew nearly 3 million fans last year despite the fact that the Orioles were one of the worst teams in baseball and almost lost 100 games. I think your fan base is safe. Besides, I doubt many Orioles fans dare make the trek from Northern Virginia to night games, as they would have to battle all kinds of traffic on the Beltway and elsewhere just to get to Camden Yards. Actually, considering the fact that the Baltimore-Washington area seems to be a haven of late for domineering sports team owners, I'm surprised that Art Modell and Daniel Snyder haven't also threatened lawsuits if baseball comes back to D.C., and the Ravens and Redskins aren't even in the SAME SPORT!

However, I don't think anyone would miss the Expos if they ceased to be, if they were no more, as John Cleese would say. The real problem is the second team that is being targeted for destruction by Osama Bin Selig is the Minnesota Twins. Now, if I may take a moment, I'd like to read for you the American League Central Division standings as of the 2001 All-Star break... *ahem*... "Minnesota Twins, 1st place". Yeah, the Twins, if you didn't know, led their division for most of the first half of this past season, getting off to a start that for a while only rivaled the record-breaking Mariners. They fell off in the second half, a victim of their lack of pennant race experience, but they still had me for one believing in them right to the end, thinking that they might have just one more run in them that would vault them past Cleveland and into the playoffs. They drew 1.8 million fans to the Metrodome last season, as this bunch of plucky young Twins thrilled the Twin Cities like nobody since the days of Homer Hankies. And yet, they may still be destroyed, and let's put it that way, because that is what you're doing, Herr Selig. destroying a cherished part of the Minnesota landscape that has been there for 40 years. And for what, because the state wouldn't cough up oodles of tax dollars to replace a stadium that isn't even 20 years old?!?

I would like to reference history if I may, as I have recently pulled out my copy of Ken Burns' classic miniseries "Baseball" and gave it a viewing. The 1957 New York Giants drew less than 600,000 fans; in fact, it was the second straight year that the Giants had drawn that few people. They, of course, moved to San Francisco and the rest is history. However, consider that the 2001 Expos actually managed to draw more than that, though only a few more, and they are being told they cannot move, their lone option is to take $250 million to give up the ship. I think you see where I'm going with this: I dare say that if Genghis Selig was commissioner in 1957, he would've favored folding the Giants rather than letting them head out West. 44 years and counting of potential history, including Barry Bonds' home run record, down the drain.

This is what we're dealing with, folks, upcoming history books that will never be written. Congressmen are looking to dump baseball's antitrust exemption and get judges to grant restraining orders to prohibit these things from happening, but the damage may already be done. Consider, if you will, the fact that the owners may have already had the public in their corner when it comes to this labor situation. They certainly had my support; after all, how can you justify the players' reasons for not having a salary cap, which is what baseball needs. However, by holding jobs over the union's heads, the owners have lost the support of the public. Tactics like these have been used in past labor negotiations, and they've often led to lawsuits for unfair labor practices. The lawsuits may soon be flying here as well, and soon, more people are going to look at baseball and see just a bunch of greedy morons who can't stop bickering even at a time when most people have put it aside for the good of the country. They won't be seeing Luis Gonzalez ending the mighty Yankee dynasty with a 9th-inning bloop single, that's for sure.

Time to Cash in the Chips

As I work at a modern rock station, I play a lot of new music. So, I pay attention to the upcoming album releases to see who is putting out new material soon, especially to know which of my favorite bands may be included in that. However, it seems that lately, there's a lot of old material getting put out. It seems like just about every successful band of the last few years is putting out a greatest hits album. Among the artists and bands who have just put one out or are about to include: Pink Floyd, Collective Soul, The Cure, Madonna, Green Day, Barenaked Ladies, Alice In Chains, Smashing Pumpkins, and so help me god, the Backstreet Boys.

I think it's pretty obvious what the reason is for putting one of these greatest hits collections out: cha-ching! It's a cash grab, their way of saying, "Hey, we're successful, you bought all our other albums, we know you'll buy this." The timing is great as well, since it comes right before the start of the Christmas shopping season. That is, unless of course, you're like me and believe that the Christmas shopping season has already started. There are already lights up on some of the trees in downtown Chambersburg!!! I'm sorry, I said it before and I will say it again, I can only take so much Christmas, especially when the temperature hits the lower 70s in early November like it did here today. Either you start the holiday season on Black Friday, like you're supposed to, or go ahead and start it early, but I will not give a rat's behind about Christmas anymore by December 1. Take it or leave it. But I digress...

Everyone's talking about the shifts in popular music that are taking place right now, especially since September 11. I read in Radio and Records (the industry bible, by the way) today that the major shifts are away from rap-metal and cheesy teen-pop. This would be evidenced by the number of Top 40 radio stations that are ditching all the Britney and the boy groups so they can say to everyone, "WE play all the popular music, that OTHER station only plays what little kids want to hear." Sadly, however, I gotta tell the industry "experts" that they're wrong on this one. If anything, the popularity of teen-pop has skyrocketed again since September 11, as young people now shun serious music like Staind and Incubus for the more frivolous stuff as a way of escaping the horrors of terrorism and war we now find ourselves surrounded by. Before 9-11, I was gloating about how relatively cheese-free the charts were, but now they're all back with a vengeance. The experts are right about rap-metal, however. The songs I consider among my favorites this year include lyrics making fun of the Limp Bizkit/Papa Roach crowd, like Ben Folds' "Rockin' the Suburbs" ("Mom and Dad, you made me so uptight/ I'm gonna cuss on the mic tonight/ Don't know how much I can take/ Girl give me something I can break") , and "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 ("Anger is today's fashion/ So sing another song about bashing someone's head in".) Heck, even the rap-metal acts themselves are making fun of each other. Saliva's new song includes a verse that basically says, "Yeah, my parents were messed up too but you don't hear me complaining about them on every song like all of you other bands do."

Back to the renewed interest in teen-pop. I've got good news for you all: like the spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship that has already broken down in our government, this too cannot last. Which leads me back to the whole greatest hits thing. I've been going on for months about how we're due for the "next big thing", the sound and the artists that will define this decade. Some of the current artists may be conscious of that too, because I really see this glut of greatest hits albums as these acts cashing out, saying, "Let's get the money while the getting's good, before we become yesterday's news." However, it may already be too late, as is evidenced by the fact that the Backstreet Boys, "Hits, Volume 1" (that alone is hilarious, like there's going to BE a Volume 2) may get outsold in its first week by that freak show known as Michael Jackson. No disrespect to Michael; I mean, I think "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" are two of the best albums ever made, and that's from a devout Led Zeppelin and Pearl Jam fan. However, it seems like every new album he puts out is just another excuse to talk about how weird he looks or how he may have molested kids or how he pals around with Liz Taylor and Marlon Brando. I DON'T CARE!!! Anyhoo, the point is that if BSB releases this album even 9 months ago, it sells at least a million its first week, but now it may not even break 300,000.

I'm not putting down the concept of a greatest hits album; I think it's great for the potential record buyer who has just discovered that particular band and doesn't want to fork over a lot of cash to buy all of their previous albums. It's a good way to stay relevant, anyway, in the case of Pink Floyd, Smashing Pumpkins, and Alice In Chains, all of whom have called it quits in recent years. In addition, it's better to see collections like these from artists who actually have enough hits to merit a greatest hits album. I've seen greatest hits packages come out in recent years from Til Tuesday, Squeeze, Men at Work, Violent Femmes, Samantha Fox, and countless other 80s acts who had only one or two real hits and at best one good album. Why anyone in good conscience would buy any of those is beyond me. Talk about a cash grab.

However, it may be that Green Day, Barenaked Ladies, Collective Soul, and countless others have felt the sea change that is starting to happen in the world of music and the new sound may already be making its presence known. The ladies are leading the charge: Alicia Keys, Nelly Furtado, Michelle Branch, not quite "girls with guitars", or pianos in Ms. Keys' case, but REAL musicians, not plastic creations like Britney. The poor misguided soul is trying to redo "The Wall" now for heaven's sakes, as her new album is what Rolling Stone calls "a concept album about herself", like she has all this inner chaos that needs to be sorted out on tape for all to hear. To that, I say: whatever. See you in 10 years on "Behind the Music". Maybe then you can put out a greatest hits album.