Super Sunday

Sunday, as we all know, is the Super Bowl, and so our nation grinds to a screeching halt for a little over four hours to watch what was originally just an excuse to mix the NFL and AFL teams in preparation for the upcoming merger. Now, of course, it's not just a game, it's an event. It's a whole day, as is evidenced by the fact that the endless tedious pregame shows will be starting, oh, about five minutes from now. And of course, it's more than just football. Face facts, folks, yes, some 125 million people will congregate around TV sets for this occasion, but it's a pretty good bet that a sizable portion of that audience is not watching the game. Let's break down the audience that will be planting its collective butts on America's couches and blow-up furniture in just two days.

First, there of course are the people who actually DO want to watch the game, most notably the fans of both teams, whether true blue die-hards or bandwagon-jumpers whose teams were eliminated back in October. In the past, network TV execs put their money on getting the huge markets in the Super Bowl, much like any big sporting event, going on the assumption that the teams in the biggest markets have the largest fan bases. It has gotten to the point where some people (mostly in Portland) claim that the NBA conspired with NBC to make sure the Blazers "blew" that big fourth-quarter lead in Game 7 against the Lakers last season so as to avoid a potentially disastrous Portland-Indiana finals, which the suits figured would result in abysmal ratings. So you had Los Angeles and Indiana, which resulted in, well, abysmal ratings. Further debunking this theory were last year's Super Bowl ("nobody's going to watch teams from St. Louis and Nashville!") and last October's World Series, where the network execs got everything they wanted, a New York-New York series, and NOBODY watched. It's a pretty fair bet that despite evidence to the contrary from Giants fans, sports viewers tend to run screaming from any major sporting event that features a team from the Big Apple. Apparently, the saying "rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel" now applies to all New York sports teams. Baltimore, on the other hand is a very likable team from a very likable city, and that should add a good amount to the bandwagon-jumper category.

Then, there are those who come in search of a party. You remember them, the ones you had to throw out of your Christmas or New Year's party cuz it was 4am and you REALLY wanted to go to bed. Well for whatever reason, you invited them back for your Super Bowl party. These are people who don't necessarily like football, and this is probably the one and only game they watch this year. Then again, they probably will be studying the bottom of a beer bottle more than the defensive alignment of the Baltimore Ravens. At least make sure you get them a cab at the end of the evening, I put it perfectly on the invitation to my Super Bowl party: "Please drink responsibly, I do not have time to go to your funeral next week."

Next are the people with money on the game. These could also be Giants or Ravens fans/bandwagon jumpers, but mostly they are the co-worker who plunked down big wampum in the office pool and HAS to win. He'll be the one who is yelling at the TV a little TOO much for your comfort.

And then there are those who aren't even there to watch the game, but instead just to watch the commercials. So many of the great advertising and pop culture campaigns began at the Super Bowl, from the woman throwing the hammer through "Big Brother" in that MacIntosh commercial, to Budweiser's talking frogs, lizards, and weasels. And of course, last year there was Bud injecting the word "WHAAAZZZZZUUUUUUPPPPP!!!" into the national lexicon, not to mention the Mountain Dew cheetah ad and the dot-com with the "cat roundup" (does anyone remember who they were or if they are even in business anymore?)

Those groups are the usual suspects, but this year we have to add a few new groups to the bunch who will be at your party. If the invitees are of the same age group as the ones coming to my shindig, that being 18-24, there will probably be some, mostly women, who are only there to watch the Backstreet Boys sing the national anthem, and 'N Sync perform at halftime. I have to hand it to the Super Bowl people; if they can grab extra audience and hold it by playing to the teenybopper set, more power to them. At my party, however, I will have control of the remote and when Aerosmith is done, the mute button comes on. Oh by the way, memo to Aerosmith: It was fresh and original when you did "Walk This Way" with Run-DMC, but now it's just embarrassing (first Kid Rock and now 'N Sync?)

And also this year, there will be the people who are only sitting through the Super Bowl so they can watch the premiere of "Survivor 2". In an obvious ratings ploy, CBS this year decided to "Real World"-ize the show and seemed to pick contestants on looks first and survival skills second. Maybe they weren't doing so hot in the male demographics, I dunno, but I didn't watch the first one and I ain't watching this one. As soon as the words "I'm going to Disneyland" are out of a Baltimore player's lips (more on that in a sec), it's movie time.

Speaking of movies, one note here: ABC is counter-programming the Super Bowl with the movie "Babe" (perhaps countering pigskin with pigskin?) on the basis that young kids would rather watch that than football. If that is true, then pro sports really have lost the children, and may god help us all if that happens.

Now, on to the actual game, cuz I know you all are expecting me to make a prediction, considering the fact that I tried to forecast the season back in August (see column #3). First of all, I only managed to get 6 of the 12 playoff teams, although I did pick both the Ravens and Giants to make the playoffs. I completely blew it on the final four, though; Washington will go 13-3 and Minnesota 7-9, I said. Oops. Ditto when I said that the Saints would be challenging for the right to have their name next to "is now on the clock..." with the first pick in April. Now it'll only happen if they get it in a trade with the Chargers.

Also, it should be noted that I am not too good at picking Super Bowls. Since I first started picking winners in SB XXII, I am only 7-6, although I did pick the last two right (Broncos and Rams). That record, however, is somewhat distorted and would be a heckuva lot better had I not picked the Buffalo Bills ALL FOUR TIMES. When you consider those, don't bet the farm on this, but I'm going with the Ravens, 17-13. To quote "South Park", all complaints may be directed to that brick wall over there...

Originality is Dead

All right, everyone, we knew this was going to happen eventually. All the minds of all the creative people in all history only can come up with so many truly original and groundbreaking ideas, and it would appear that we have all completely run out of them. And if we haven't, perhaps we are scraping the bottom of the barrel. I knew we were getting close when someone decided to make a movie entitled "Dude, Where's My Car?" Of course, I saw that movie, and I have to say I liked it, so in my humble opinion, the bottom had not yet been reached. However, then I started seeing the ads for this new cheerleader-serial robber pic called "Sugar and Spice". Okay, that's it. That is the last one, the last truly original and halfway creative idea, and not even a good one at that. Folks, we indeed are in big trouble.

Some portions of pop culture have been out of creative ideas for a while now, most notably the world of popular music. I knew it was over when Puff Daddy hit it big. I have no problem with him doing what he does, but exactly how much creativity does it take to grab an old Police or Diana Ross track, throw a couple drum machines over it, and add rhymes? I do have to give him brownie points for actually asking Jimmy Page to play guitar for the song from Godzilla when Puffy essentially remade Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir". Just using the original alone would have been close to sacreligious.

Think about it, though, and this goes back to an earlier column I wrote about a lot of things these days being just spit-and-polish jobs on old concepts. All of the boy groups of today, especially the ones that were basically thrown together by some millionaire with a singing pretty boy fetish, are no more than today's New Kids On the Block, which goes back to the Partridge Family, and eventually on a line back to the original pre-fabricated pop group, the Monkees. Such is pretty much proof that tastes don't really change, they just cycle on an every-few-years-or-so basis. Consider hip-hop. Yes, I'm going to get reamed up one side and down the other for this one, but it has been my theory for many years that it's basically repackaged disco, only this time they got it right, and decided not to do every song with the same beat. Will Smith and Puffy are the most guilty of this one, sampling disco songs for their own music. Hell, "Rapper's Delight", the first big-time rap song was "Good Times" by Chic with rhymes thrown over it.

Rare examples of creative new directions in music are often then subjected to the "take what is successful and run it into the ground" policy. Unfortunately, it's always true in rock, where these days the new wave of rap-metal acts that all are beginning to sound a lot alike ("Is that Nickelback or Linkin Park or the new Limp Bizkit song?"), it's nothing more than a repeat of the proliferation of hair bands in the late 80s, and sadly, the glut of angst-ridden semi-grunge acts that filled the radio in the mid-90s.

TV is another area that is sadly lacking in new ideas. Most sitcom ideas have all been tried before; now it's just a matter of hoping your witty writing is better than that of the other 25 new sitcoms that get trotted out every year. No wonder most of them don't make it to December. Not that it matters, of course; 25 more get trotted out in January as "mid-season replacements". Naturally, the worst example of the lack of new ideas in television came this year when CBS in all of its wisdom recycled "The Fugitive", which in effect is the TV version of the movie version of the original "Fugitive" that aired in the 1960s. If that ain't recycling, I don't know what is.

And that brings me back to the film industry and the number of directors who in the past decade or so have been falling all over each other for the rights to do a film version of (insert 60s or 70s TV series here). You name it, they've done it: "The Beverly Hillbillies", "The Flintstones", "Maverick", "Charlie's Angels", "Lost In Space", "My Favorite Martian", and the list goes on and on. Of course, even that trend shows signs of running out of ideas; consider the 1998 attempt at "The Avengers", the TV version of which never saw much light here in the States, and 1999's "Wild Wild West", whose TV counterpart lasted maybe five minutes back in the 60s?

With this in mind, you know they're headed to the 80s now; after all, pop culture does go on a 20-year cycle, so if they can recycle "Charlie's Angels" and "The Brady Bunch" in the 90s, don't think some amateur Spielberg's not out there begging for the rights to "Dallas" or "Dynasty" or even "Mr. Belvidere". As a representative of my generation, that being the one who basically came of age in the 1990s, I hope and pray that I will never see the movie version of "ER", "NYPD Blue", "Dawson's Creek" or any other WB melodrama for that matter. And while we're at it, could we also quit recycling old movies? Other than Eddie Murphy's new take on "The Nutty Professor", nothing else is really cutting it. And someone please stop Disney before they remake "The Parent Trap" for the seventh time.

Now excuse me while I mourn over the fact that SR-71 was right on the money when they sang "you couldn't make a Mel Brooks movie today..."

What's Wrong With This Town?

It's time for me to finally load up and take aim at the locals here in my hometown of Syracuse, New York. Not that it's something I've always wanted to do in a forum like this, but right now they need a good public flogging more than ever. See, we here in this town were hit particularly hard by the economic changes of the past few decades, and especially the recession in the early 90s. While the rest of the country pulled out and had its huge recovery and boom time, we fell deeper into recession and have only managed to pull out in the past couple years. This has all created a feeling of hopelessness amongst the populace, which in turn causes all of the younger people around here to have the same common dream: to graduate from high school, go to college (preferably somewhere else), and ultimately get the hell out of here. The remaining older people seem to reject any attempt to change the landscape for the better because they are either convinced that we're doomed anyway, why bother doing anything to prevent it, or they are perhaps waiting for some economic knight in shining armor (Bill Gates?) to bail them out by making Syracuse the next hub for some megacorporation.

Their surly attitude is matched only by their ignorance, which results in a good number of inaccuracies in their arguments against change. Naturally, people accept these inaccuracies as gospel and use it to reinforce their movement against change. Let me give you a "for instance": the federal government recently plopped over $6 million in our laps, cuz we had asked for it in our hopes to turn Clinton Square (which is not named for Bill, but rather former governor DeWitt) from something you just drive through on your way through downtown into a central city showplace. So, Uncle Sam gives us the $6 mil, which is marked specifically for the square redevelopment. Predictably, Average Syracusan has kittens over it. "Why isn't this money being used for education?" they scream. Easy answer; as I just mentioned, the government gave us the money SPECIFICALLY for the renovation of Clinton Square.

So the new battle cry against the redevelopment becomes, "We'll have traffic jams downtown now!" As the man whose talk show I produce notes, Average Syracusan thinks having to wait through more than two red lights is a traffic jam. I would add here that I am often guilty of that. If I have to sit through at least two red lights going the two miles from Camillus Mall to Fairmount Fair, I get peeved over how much longer it took me to get there. Then again, this might also explain the overwhelming tendency of Average Syracusan to road rage (see column #12). Why even today someone wrote a letter to the editor explaining that our maniacal drivers may well be the reason she and her husband have to move elsewhere. Not bad, but I'm sure you're reasoning is also somewhat based on the other problems of the locals that I mentioned earlier.

Anyhoo, back to the "traffic jams". Average Syracusan has never really had REAL traffic jams. They've never been backed up 20 minutes at the Lincoln Tunnel. They've never even had to experience Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend on the Strip (US 11 & 15) outside of Selinsgrove, Pah, which is where I went to college. If you don't know alternate routes, you could be sitting there for a good half hour. And this is in a comparatively RURAL portion of the country. Which brings me to the point of alternate routes: use them! We are very set in our ways here, I'll admit, but variation can be a good thing. Sure enough, however, some guy calls the show I produce asking my host if he's happy now that the renovation has caused daily "traffic jams" in downtown Syracuse. It should be noted that the caller refused to answer the host's inquiry as to just how many lights the guy had to sit through.

Of course, getting stuck at a red light isn't what's really got Average Syracusan steamed these days. No, no, it's the (add a menacing dun dun DUN if you wish) CAROUSEL CENTER EXPANSION PROPOSAL!!! The locals' first response was that "we don't want to be exclusively known for having a big mall." What, are the Orangemen leaving town if this thing gets expanded? They then blamed the existing Carousel for killing (insert mall here). After Local Talk Host successfully debunked those myths by showing that it was a combination of bad management and our tendency to build too many malls right near each other that killed them, Average Syracusan took aim at the proposed agreement. Apparently, they had issues with our "local boy makes good", Mr. Robert Congel, head of Pyramid, builders of the mall. Not that he reeks of trustworthiness (if that's not a word, I just invented it); he's accused of tweaking assessments of other malls and bribing local officials in other parts of the state. Still, I don't see other people lining up to put down $900 million of their own money (and I should reinforce that it's Pyramid's money, debunking another myth that it's actually partly or completely financed by taxpayers) to build stuff here. Average Syracusan does not believe that anyone should have to get a deal to avoid paying yearly property taxes, and if someone should, it sure as hell should not be Congel. Then some have gone so far as to say that the scrapyard Carousel replaced and the oil tanks that formerly were in the proposed expansion area should have never been removed, because "at least they paid taxes!!!" I don't care if blight paid taxes, there is no room for blight in a city trying to pick itself up off the canvas of economic troubles.

The leader of the Average Syracusan movement against the expansion is one of our local state senators, Mr. John DeFrancisco, who it should be noted does legal work for Wilmorite, Pyramid's main competitor in the local mall business (can you say "conflict of interest"?) DeFrancisco's vocal opposition to the mall has led some more sensible locals to wonder why a state official is taking interest in a local issue that he has no effect over. Simple, as Local Talk Host has predicted, DeFrancisco's going to run for mayor, and what better way to get Average Syracusan to vote for you than to be as anti-mall as possible? The city council approved the mall expansion, 5-4, and now its fate rests in the hands of the county legislature. The head of the legislature approves of the deal; however, there are naturally some members who buy all of the ridiculous and often inaccurate arguments of the locals against the mall. It has even led Local Talk Host to predict that despite his wishes to see the mall expansion approved, come Monday the 22nd when the "leg (pronounced LEDGE)", as we affectionately call them, votes on this thing, they will shoot down the proposal, and that's it. No expansion. Nothing.

Things like this are what drive people like one Paul Finebaum to write a book called (I am not making this up) "I Hate Syracuse: 303 Reasons Why You Should, Too." To that I can only say one thing:

You only came up with 303? I can name more in my sleep.

The Trials and Tribulations of Apartment Life

I think it is a fair and accurate statement to proclaim that we men are, shall we say, less domesticated than the opposite sex. We aren't as good around the house. We don't primarily cook as well, we don't clean as thoroughly, we tend to do foolish things that women by nature wouldn't do. As to what exactly those things are, I can't quite tell you yet, cuz I don't think I have done them all. However, I am pleased to tell you I am well on my way. For example, my new housemate and I successfully melted our first plastic bowl tonight.

OK, it was not intentional, I'm certainly not the type that gets off on trying to see how he can bend or break the laws of nature for a few cheap thrills (most of the time). I threw a used large plastic bowl into the sink. You know, the type used to put snack food in for parties and gatherings and such. Well, not thinking anything of it, there was also a collander in the sink, and I tossed the collander into the bowl. Less space taken up, after all; that means more space to put the inevitable amount of dirty cups, bowls, and plates that will accumulate until one of us thinks to throw them in the dishwasher, probably sometime around the middle of next week. Anyhoo, the housemate walks in and starts to boil up a dinner of ravioli (more on the boiling dinner factor later). Well, you can see what's coming (of course I didn't, but anyway); he goes to pour the boiling hot water into the collander and it goes into the bowl, and damned if it didn't MELT the damn thing.

This perfectly illustrates two things: 1) big plastic bowls are very cheaply made, and 2) saving space and time is no substitute for some common rational thought. Common rational thought to the single male apartment dweller is very rare, the thing that usually takes precedence is common rational laziness. I've known this well, I have after all faced this lifestyle with some interruptions (called living at home) since my freshman year of college nearly five years ago, and constantly since I officially struck out on my own over nine months ago. Laziness is what causes the laundry to not get done for at least three weeks, or until you're down to the very last pair of, well, everything. It causes the garbage can to get packed down tighter and tighter until you have somehow managed to stuff about twenty pounds of garbage into a space meant for maybe a tenth of that amount. Laziness causes you to cover up any stains or other messes on the carpet to either be covered with a piece of furniture, or scrubbed out with a washcloth and have carpet fragrance stuff sprayed over it, so you don't smell that something's wrong. Out of sight (or smell in this case), out of mind.

Finally, laziness is what causes the average single male apartment dweller to confine his cooking knowledge to that which can be done in the least amount of time. After all, can't spend time in the kitchen fussing through cookbooks or worrying about what you need a teaspoon of and what you need a tablespoon of (or is it the other way around?), there's a game/movie/anything to watch on TV or I got places to go. My philosophy for the most part is if I can microwave it or boil it, I can make it. My mother in an apparent effort to broaden my culinary horizons past this got me a couple cookbooks for Christmas, entitled (as God is my witness) "Help! My Apartment Has a Kitchen!" and "Help! My Apartment Has a Dining Room!" This and the fact that my housemate is an exceptional to the rule of the average single male apartment dweller and is a pretty darn good cook (or at least he claims to be, he hasn't killed me yet, so that's a good sign) has triggered the male survival and competition instinct in me, and so I guess now I have to learn how to cook, or at least try. After all, cooking IS in my blood; my mom's side of the family has passed down countless recipes through the generations and is big on creating culinary masterpieces, and my dad has made a career in the food service industry.

This, of course, is bound to lead to more of the earlier mistakes mentioned earlier, all of which make for rather funny anecdotes to be repeated at later times, even though they sometimes may not be too funny as they are happening. I started out in an efficiency, a very small apartment, very bare bones in regards to accomodations. I didn't even have a freezer; okay, check that, I did have A freezer, but more like an ice box that only seemed to accumulate ice and not really do that good a job at freezing anything I could squeeze into the thing. However, since the beginning of December, I currently live in a townhouse, splitting the place with a co-worker. Which, naturally, means that I now only have a 50-50 shot at being the one who makes the typical male mistake. Unless of course, the both of us combine for one, as was the case with our now former plastic party bowl.

I mentioned laziness as the reason for a lot of the single male apartment dweller's circumstances, but also finances quite often can come into play. After all, if I had more money, I sure as hell wouldn't be living in an apartment or splitting a townhouse. What do you do, when as in the case of this month, you pay all the requisite bills (college loan repayment, car insurance, credit card, electric, cable, phone, and of course the rent) and you have a grand total of $15 until payday? That's when you get creative, and nobody comes up with more "creative" ideas with low amounts of money than we single guys. I call it "creative", others may have different ways of describing them.

I have friends who live with their significant others and try to create whatever domestic bliss they can from their situations. That's all well and good but I am sure they remember the days when their survival instincts carried the day and they probably hope they never have to go back. Or occasionally, maybe they do. We are, after all, guys.