Can We Please Put a Lock on Hollywood?

This morning started like most Friday mornings start, off to work to sit at a control board and push buttons and read weather and stuff like that for four hours. The new Radio & Records was sitting on the desk when I came in, a rare thrill, because it usually comes Friday afternoon and lately, other people in the radio station have swiped it before I got a chance to read it, and I need it on Saturday mornings to make the six hours go by a little quicker.

Anyhoo, on the cover of this week's R&R was an ad for (dun dun DUNNNNNNN) THE BRITNEY SPEARS MOVIE!!! Yeah, I heard at various points that she was making a movie, but I guess I saw it as being off the radar screen, as Britney's career is slowly moving off the radar screen. However, I forgot two important things that I should know by now about the relationship between the future Mrs. Timberlake and MTV: 1) MTV loves her, and 2) they know how to media blitz a fading pop act back to the top. Need proof? We thought 'N Sync was over before the VMAs, then they won the most televised awards (don't forget, Fatboy Slim won the most actual awards, but most of that happened before the actual VMAs show), and lo and behold, "Celebrity" sells 1.9 million its first week. Let me once again remind everyone, however, that in the nearly three months since then, it has failed to sell another 1.9 million.

In that vein, let me present the evidence that we are about to be treated/tortured by months of non-stop hype about this movie... Exhibit A: MTV helped make this movie. When have they NOT overhyped one of their own creations? The only thing MTV has put out movie-wise that was any good was "Varsity Blues". Exhibit B: the laundry list of upcoming Britney appearances I saw below the movie ad on the front of R&R. Not that any of her fans read R&R, but the reason they put these things in R&R is so all the DJs will plug the appearances, at least the ones on the Top 40 stations that still play Britney's music.

Now, I know you're all hoping that if Britney has done a movie that there will be something worth seeing, like (to put it tastefully) more of her than we have seen yet, don't hold your breath. Despite rumors of sexual fun and games in this film, it's rated PG-13, which makes sense, because that way you get the target audience in the theater (the squealing teens and pre-teens who want to be like her). And also, she still wants us to think she's a virgin, so why do any kind of hanky-panky in a movie to mess up that image; save the erotica for the videos.

Now, at this point, I should probably give out some details about the flick, considering this column's half-over and there may be some people who are actually interested in seeing this movie. It's called "Crossroads" and the storyline is Britney and two life-long pals get together with some guy (why? he has a car, as far as I can tell) for a cross-country journey of self-discovery and all that other good old-fashioned teenage hoo-ha that you hear about all the time but never actually do yourself. The character Britney plays dreams of being (hold on a sec, you're not going to believe this one) a SINGER!

Hang on a sec, sorry to interrupt myself in mid-rant, but I happened to have MTV on (sound muted of course) and they just plugged their "meet Britney at the 'Crossroads' premiere" contest. Again, I have been proven right, *sigh*, it's so hard being right all the time. Want another prediction? Steve Spurrier will be head coach of the Washington Redskins next season. He resigned as head coach at Florida today and I actually saw that coming before today, I just didn't think he'd do it so soon. Anyhoo, back on topic, as I try to keep the back-patting to a minimum, and going from Britney Spears to Steve Spurrier probably gave you all a serious case of whiplash.

So, Britney's character wants to be a singer. And she feels alienated by her father, who is played by (hold onto your hats here) DAN AYKROYD!!! He's not this desperate, is he? I mean, he was damn good as the governor in "Evolution" last year, he can still do something other than yak about ghosts on Sci-Fi Channel and roles in Britney Spears movies, right? I won't get into the other characters and what they're all about, because the focus, of course, is on Britney, so the other two main girls are like the other two members of the Supremes. Two words: "star vehicle".

I've got another word for Ms. Spears while I'm at it: "Glitter". If it seems like we were going down this same road a few months back, we were, only it was Mariah Carey, and the end results of that were: a bomb the likes of which we haven't seen since "Waterworld", Ms. Carey in the loony bin, and her recording career in ruins (rumor has it she's about to get dropped by her label). Holy Peter Frampton/"Sgt. Pepper's", Batman!!! Want another one? "Spiceworld". Within six months, Ginger quits, the Spice Girls are long removed from the charts, and they haven't been heard from since.

The point of all this is the fact that rock stars should stay the hell out of the movie business. The Beatles made two groundbreaking films with "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help!" and Elvis had "Love Me Tender", but remember, the Fab Four also had "Magical Mystery Tour" and Elvis did enough "Clambake"s and "Kissing Cousins" to make anyone nauseous. Cameos in movies? That's OK: Aerosmith in "Wayne's World 2", Eddie Vedder in "Singles", now those were good. Major roles in movies? Well, that's borderline, but if you're like Beyonce and you can get a gig as part of a solid franchise like being an Austin Powers girl, then that's OK. Then again, Britney's going to be in the new Austin Powers flick too. After "Crossroads", the only way Britney could even have a prayer of saving face would be for her and Beyonce to have a catfight for the ages. Or maybe that's just because I (and millions of other guys) would love to see that.