Oops, I Wrote It Again
As we approach the 2-year anniversary of this column, I am again amazed by the sheer body of work I have somehow been able to put together on a mostly weekly basis. All this while working ridiculous hours at work, moving several times, including from one state to another, and losing my Internet connection several times, sometimes for minutes, one time for weeks. So, much like I did last year at this time, it's time to look through another year's worth of columns and try to mine what I consider to be nuggets. Not necessarily good things, because I have been known to flub comments and predictions on many occasions.
This column usually deals with three subjects: political/social issues, sports, and pop culture. There was a lot of all three to go around. On the political/social issues front, I railed against people who sought to mess up holiday celebrations (column #71), only to see the biggest fraud of them all happen just a month or so ago when the Pledge of Allegiance got declared unconstitutional because of ONE pissed-off Atheist (column #99). I also had enough time to declare the nation's fringe political groups as "terrorist organizations" (column #68), and I made what turned out to be the biggest foreshadowing statement of the year in early February (column #80) when I said that I thought Bush was plugging the war on terror too much at the expense of other issues; now it's the opinion of an increasingly larger percentage of the American people.
In the world of sports, I took on the maniacal World Cup soccer fans (column #95), dubbed the Salt Lake City Olympics as "the rock 'n roll Olympics" (column #81), and then proceeded to tell an entire country's Olympic delegation, "There's the door, don't let it hit your asses on the way out..." (column #82) Then there were the assorted sports predictions, of which I got some right (Steve Spurrier becoming Redskins coach), and some I got horribly wrong (Exhibit A: "Rams 45, Patriots 13"). Unfortunately, I've had to write way too often about one prediction that it looks more and more like I'll be right on, and I made it all the way back in October (column #65): the baseball players will go on strike. The latest is that they will walk on August 16, thus virtually guaranteeing that not only will there not be a World Series again, but that the players will be walking the picket lines on September 11th, thus turning an entire nation against them, forever. There have also been the sideshow issues of contraction, the All-Star Game tie, and steroid use, but for the most part, it's been about the old labor wars, and it's too bad. I really can't get into my Mets sneaking back into the wild-card race, because I know that there won't be any playoffs.
And then, there's the frequent takes I have on the worlds of movies, music, fashion, etc. There are probably many who disagree with me on this point, but I think that I'm at my best when I'm trashing pop culture; simply put, there are way too many things I can poke fun at, it's just SO EASY! During the past year, I finally got to gleefully bury teen pop, and I said that the "next big thing" would include indie rock and "girls with guitars and pianos" before anyone ever heard of The Vines, Vanessa Carlton, or Avril Lavigne. Anyway, pop culture has given me plenty of opportunities to get some choice comments out in the past year, such as these...
"Now I know that retro is all the rage, but BAD retro is a totally different thing. And then when you run out of ideas, improvise; after all, though necessity is the mother of invention, laziness has to be the father. In past years, tank tops were the rage, then halter tops, then back to tank tops, so when you need a new fad, well hell, how about tops with ONE shoulder? Bingo, this summer's big fashion trend." (column #54)
"What tributes to the year 2001 will we see on the tube 30 years from now? If they even dare to do a 'Survivor' retrospective, you can bet it will probably be portrayed as when the decline of Western civilization began. Just a guess..." (column #63)
"Have any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get." (column #70)
"If I'm Osama Bin Laden, well first of all I'm scared s---less hiding in my cave wherever I am, but secondly, I don't think I'm sitting there saying, 'Well, we could swipe a nuclear warhead, we could hijack some more planes and crash them into skyscrapers... oh, hell, let's just send a sniper to Pennsylvania and pick off a groundhog!'
They're going to have "Punxsutawney Phil" pick the winner of the (Super Bowl)... So, tomorrow, they're going to apparently listen for a grunt or squeak that sounds like either "Patriots" or "Rams", I guess; more likely, "Phil" will be saying the groundhog equivalent of "PUT ME DOWN, YOU TOP-HATTED BASTARD!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR?!? I JUST WANT TO GO FORAGE FOR SOME FOOD!!!" (column #79)
"Ozzy goes from most evil man in America to the patriatch of everybody's favorite obscenity-spewing, dog doo-cleaning, neighbor-annoying family... More like how a conventional family would look if you watched them after dropping acid." (column #86)
"The first summer blockbuster, 'Spiderman', opened today. May 3rd. Time was we had to wait until at least Memorial Day weekend for the first big movie. If you are afraid that this could inevitably lead to unlimited movie overhype all year round, fear not, because they have to keep a couple of months available for the movies that nobody goes to see, otherwise known as the 'Oscar contenders'." (column #89)
"I'm surprised Carson didn't do a segment trying to get his New Jersey beachside audience to express their dismay over the Ohio senator who boycotted a recent environmental hearing because one of the friggin' BACKSTREET BOYS was testifying! By the way, kudos to Sen. Vuinovich for walking out; I can sympathize with him, as I try to boycott EVERYTHING the Backstreet Boys do..." (column #94)
"I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: 'Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool...' Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it."
"That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV."
"MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months." (all three of those from column #59)
It should be noted that more people, whether by accident or design, have read that column than the one that wound up taking its place that week: my reflections on 9-11. I think that's a good thing; it shows that after all we've been through, we're approaching normality again, we can laugh at ourselves again. I also gave you all a running commentary on metro Chambersburg-Hagerstown and my trip to Georgia, and as I used to say about Syracuse, my 'Burg could be your 'Burg or Anytown, USA. And that's certainly what we've needed since 9-11: more Anytown. Look forward to even more Anytown in the weeks and months to come.
This column usually deals with three subjects: political/social issues, sports, and pop culture. There was a lot of all three to go around. On the political/social issues front, I railed against people who sought to mess up holiday celebrations (column #71), only to see the biggest fraud of them all happen just a month or so ago when the Pledge of Allegiance got declared unconstitutional because of ONE pissed-off Atheist (column #99). I also had enough time to declare the nation's fringe political groups as "terrorist organizations" (column #68), and I made what turned out to be the biggest foreshadowing statement of the year in early February (column #80) when I said that I thought Bush was plugging the war on terror too much at the expense of other issues; now it's the opinion of an increasingly larger percentage of the American people.
In the world of sports, I took on the maniacal World Cup soccer fans (column #95), dubbed the Salt Lake City Olympics as "the rock 'n roll Olympics" (column #81), and then proceeded to tell an entire country's Olympic delegation, "There's the door, don't let it hit your asses on the way out..." (column #82) Then there were the assorted sports predictions, of which I got some right (Steve Spurrier becoming Redskins coach), and some I got horribly wrong (Exhibit A: "Rams 45, Patriots 13"). Unfortunately, I've had to write way too often about one prediction that it looks more and more like I'll be right on, and I made it all the way back in October (column #65): the baseball players will go on strike. The latest is that they will walk on August 16, thus virtually guaranteeing that not only will there not be a World Series again, but that the players will be walking the picket lines on September 11th, thus turning an entire nation against them, forever. There have also been the sideshow issues of contraction, the All-Star Game tie, and steroid use, but for the most part, it's been about the old labor wars, and it's too bad. I really can't get into my Mets sneaking back into the wild-card race, because I know that there won't be any playoffs.
And then, there's the frequent takes I have on the worlds of movies, music, fashion, etc. There are probably many who disagree with me on this point, but I think that I'm at my best when I'm trashing pop culture; simply put, there are way too many things I can poke fun at, it's just SO EASY! During the past year, I finally got to gleefully bury teen pop, and I said that the "next big thing" would include indie rock and "girls with guitars and pianos" before anyone ever heard of The Vines, Vanessa Carlton, or Avril Lavigne. Anyway, pop culture has given me plenty of opportunities to get some choice comments out in the past year, such as these...
"Now I know that retro is all the rage, but BAD retro is a totally different thing. And then when you run out of ideas, improvise; after all, though necessity is the mother of invention, laziness has to be the father. In past years, tank tops were the rage, then halter tops, then back to tank tops, so when you need a new fad, well hell, how about tops with ONE shoulder? Bingo, this summer's big fashion trend." (column #54)
"What tributes to the year 2001 will we see on the tube 30 years from now? If they even dare to do a 'Survivor' retrospective, you can bet it will probably be portrayed as when the decline of Western civilization began. Just a guess..." (column #63)
"Have any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get." (column #70)
"If I'm Osama Bin Laden, well first of all I'm scared s---less hiding in my cave wherever I am, but secondly, I don't think I'm sitting there saying, 'Well, we could swipe a nuclear warhead, we could hijack some more planes and crash them into skyscrapers... oh, hell, let's just send a sniper to Pennsylvania and pick off a groundhog!'
They're going to have "Punxsutawney Phil" pick the winner of the (Super Bowl)... So, tomorrow, they're going to apparently listen for a grunt or squeak that sounds like either "Patriots" or "Rams", I guess; more likely, "Phil" will be saying the groundhog equivalent of "PUT ME DOWN, YOU TOP-HATTED BASTARD!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR?!? I JUST WANT TO GO FORAGE FOR SOME FOOD!!!" (column #79)
"Ozzy goes from most evil man in America to the patriatch of everybody's favorite obscenity-spewing, dog doo-cleaning, neighbor-annoying family... More like how a conventional family would look if you watched them after dropping acid." (column #86)
"The first summer blockbuster, 'Spiderman', opened today. May 3rd. Time was we had to wait until at least Memorial Day weekend for the first big movie. If you are afraid that this could inevitably lead to unlimited movie overhype all year round, fear not, because they have to keep a couple of months available for the movies that nobody goes to see, otherwise known as the 'Oscar contenders'." (column #89)
"I'm surprised Carson didn't do a segment trying to get his New Jersey beachside audience to express their dismay over the Ohio senator who boycotted a recent environmental hearing because one of the friggin' BACKSTREET BOYS was testifying! By the way, kudos to Sen. Vuinovich for walking out; I can sympathize with him, as I try to boycott EVERYTHING the Backstreet Boys do..." (column #94)
"I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: 'Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool...' Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it."
"That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV."
"MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months." (all three of those from column #59)
It should be noted that more people, whether by accident or design, have read that column than the one that wound up taking its place that week: my reflections on 9-11. I think that's a good thing; it shows that after all we've been through, we're approaching normality again, we can laugh at ourselves again. I also gave you all a running commentary on metro Chambersburg-Hagerstown and my trip to Georgia, and as I used to say about Syracuse, my 'Burg could be your 'Burg or Anytown, USA. And that's certainly what we've needed since 9-11: more Anytown. Look forward to even more Anytown in the weeks and months to come.
Labels: blogging
posted by Dave | 12:01 AM
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