THIS JUST IN!!! Consumer Protection Division
In the interest of serving the public and ensuring that you all don't accidentally cause holiday tragedies, for the first time ever, I have mobilized the Consumer Protection Division here at TJI. I've gone in search of the things you should avoid this Christmas shopping season. And I don't mean the usual assortment of useless sweaters, socks, ties, and so on that everyone gives everyone when they have to give something but don't care much to. I don't even mean the people who take a gift from a previous year and "re-gift" it to someone else. I mean, there are evil things at work here.
Of these, there is nothing more evil than the person who actually thought it was a good idea to create the 'N Sync bobble-head dolls. Yes, you read correctly, someone has taken one of the coolest things to come out of the world of baseball, the bobble-head doll, and made five of them in the form of 'N F#%@ING SYNC!!! And using the method perfected by video game machine makers, they are only releasing one of the poppies at a time, one per week until Christmas, thus ensuring utter chaos every Saturday morning from now until the holidays. And for what? A plastic figurine with a head that nods or shakes endlessly. But I guess the point is whose head it is? Myself, if I ever got any of those dolls, I'd have to take up target shooting just for the occasion. And I thought it had gone too far when they were selling 'N Sync marionettes last Christmas...
This isn't the only scam going on across America this holiday season, and it may not even be the most nefarious (now THERE'S a five-dollar word). Scanning through my daily paper lately, I've seen lots of ads for fly-by-night operations selling home anthrax test kits and other "necessary" homeland security products. Funny how these things only pop up when people are terrified by the very thought of anthrax. I seriously doubt these snake oil salesmen were in business selling these things six months ago. Or maybe they were, they just called them "hoof-and-mouth detection kits". Anyway, if anyone is dumb enough to actually buy one of these things, then they deserve to get ripped off. Honestly, I shouldn't even have to warn you people about these things; I trust you're all smart enough to know a ridiculous scam when you see one. However, just as stupid warning labels are often necessary to prevent lawsuits from stupid people, sometimes the obvious needs to be stated in this case as well. First of all, who the hell is going to send Joe Average an anthrax letter? Democrat and liberal leaders, well, we saw what happened there (anyone notice that the day I posed my theory, they found the letter in Leahy's office... will nobody admit I'm right about this?) As for all of us normal people, I have full faith and confidence in our country's ability to keep that stuff out of our mail. Hucksters looking to make a quick buck can't stand people like me.
Speaking of scams that you wouldn't buy for or recieve from anyone, has any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? I have never, ever seen one of these actually sitting on someone's windowsill or coffee table or whatever. The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get. Somehow, someway, they've managed to stay afloat all these years, so they must be doing something right. The lesson from this, however, is that I would never give these things, nor should anyone else, unless you really hated them. Why else would you give a gift that would only cause ridicule of the giftee? Give the gift of a Clapper or Chia Pet at your own peril; the receiver will find a way to get you back good next year.
Now, I would never be caught dead in a Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic, Abercrombie and Fitch, I could go on and on, but the point is I wouldn't go to these places because I do not believe that the label on my clothing defines who I am or what my social status should be. In that vein, can somebody please explain to me why there is such a thing as the Baby Gap, and why Old Navy makes its designer clothing in baby sizes? Is it really that important to you to have your baby become a status symbol through the clothing you buy for it? I can see it now: day care facilities across the country where babies are being ostracized because their parents bought their infant clothing at Wal-Mart, thus setting them up for a lifetime of social rejection. Yeesh, are you kidding me? I am friends with two young women who have recently become mothers and I hope and pray that nobody will think this is a good idea for a Christmas gift for them.
Finally, the Consumer Protection Division offers some handy tips for your holiday movie experience. After all, malls have movie theatres, you'll want to stop and plunk down $8 more for a ticket sooner or later. If you are going to see Monsters, Inc., show up 5-10 minutes late if you want to skip the trailers. Now I for one like watching trailers, but I know some people don't, so it gives you a little leeway if you're late arriving at the movie. The Washington Post recently reported that film studios have insisted on double the amount of trailers to run before the Harry Potter movie, so plan on arriving 20 minutes late for that, although you may not be able to find a seat if you wait that long. And also be advised that the Star Wars Episode 2 trailer has started running before certain movies; if it shows before "Harry Potter" and you still wish to observe the 20 minutes late rule, be prepared to bull rush your way through the hordes of cybergeeks who will be swarming out of the theatre at this point, because they came to the theatre only to watch said trailer and are not interested in a boy from England learning magic.
Oh, and happy shopping!
Of these, there is nothing more evil than the person who actually thought it was a good idea to create the 'N Sync bobble-head dolls. Yes, you read correctly, someone has taken one of the coolest things to come out of the world of baseball, the bobble-head doll, and made five of them in the form of 'N F#%@ING SYNC!!! And using the method perfected by video game machine makers, they are only releasing one of the poppies at a time, one per week until Christmas, thus ensuring utter chaos every Saturday morning from now until the holidays. And for what? A plastic figurine with a head that nods or shakes endlessly. But I guess the point is whose head it is? Myself, if I ever got any of those dolls, I'd have to take up target shooting just for the occasion. And I thought it had gone too far when they were selling 'N Sync marionettes last Christmas...
This isn't the only scam going on across America this holiday season, and it may not even be the most nefarious (now THERE'S a five-dollar word). Scanning through my daily paper lately, I've seen lots of ads for fly-by-night operations selling home anthrax test kits and other "necessary" homeland security products. Funny how these things only pop up when people are terrified by the very thought of anthrax. I seriously doubt these snake oil salesmen were in business selling these things six months ago. Or maybe they were, they just called them "hoof-and-mouth detection kits". Anyway, if anyone is dumb enough to actually buy one of these things, then they deserve to get ripped off. Honestly, I shouldn't even have to warn you people about these things; I trust you're all smart enough to know a ridiculous scam when you see one. However, just as stupid warning labels are often necessary to prevent lawsuits from stupid people, sometimes the obvious needs to be stated in this case as well. First of all, who the hell is going to send Joe Average an anthrax letter? Democrat and liberal leaders, well, we saw what happened there (anyone notice that the day I posed my theory, they found the letter in Leahy's office... will nobody admit I'm right about this?) As for all of us normal people, I have full faith and confidence in our country's ability to keep that stuff out of our mail. Hucksters looking to make a quick buck can't stand people like me.
Speaking of scams that you wouldn't buy for or recieve from anyone, has any of you ever actually given or received a Chia Pet? How do these people make any money? I have never, ever seen one of these actually sitting on someone's windowsill or coffee table or whatever. The same goes for the Clapper. I have never met anyone who actually has one of these things. Maybe it's because I'm a little too culturally enlightened, perhaps it may be that I just haven't met enough people in my life. Perhaps it's the fact that I've never hated someone or had them hate me enough to actually consider this as a present to give or get. Somehow, someway, they've managed to stay afloat all these years, so they must be doing something right. The lesson from this, however, is that I would never give these things, nor should anyone else, unless you really hated them. Why else would you give a gift that would only cause ridicule of the giftee? Give the gift of a Clapper or Chia Pet at your own peril; the receiver will find a way to get you back good next year.
Now, I would never be caught dead in a Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic, Abercrombie and Fitch, I could go on and on, but the point is I wouldn't go to these places because I do not believe that the label on my clothing defines who I am or what my social status should be. In that vein, can somebody please explain to me why there is such a thing as the Baby Gap, and why Old Navy makes its designer clothing in baby sizes? Is it really that important to you to have your baby become a status symbol through the clothing you buy for it? I can see it now: day care facilities across the country where babies are being ostracized because their parents bought their infant clothing at Wal-Mart, thus setting them up for a lifetime of social rejection. Yeesh, are you kidding me? I am friends with two young women who have recently become mothers and I hope and pray that nobody will think this is a good idea for a Christmas gift for them.
Finally, the Consumer Protection Division offers some handy tips for your holiday movie experience. After all, malls have movie theatres, you'll want to stop and plunk down $8 more for a ticket sooner or later. If you are going to see Monsters, Inc., show up 5-10 minutes late if you want to skip the trailers. Now I for one like watching trailers, but I know some people don't, so it gives you a little leeway if you're late arriving at the movie. The Washington Post recently reported that film studios have insisted on double the amount of trailers to run before the Harry Potter movie, so plan on arriving 20 minutes late for that, although you may not be able to find a seat if you wait that long. And also be advised that the Star Wars Episode 2 trailer has started running before certain movies; if it shows before "Harry Potter" and you still wish to observe the 20 minutes late rule, be prepared to bull rush your way through the hordes of cybergeeks who will be swarming out of the theatre at this point, because they came to the theatre only to watch said trailer and are not interested in a boy from England learning magic.
Oh, and happy shopping!
posted by Dave | 4:16 PM
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