The 'N Sync Career Salvation Awards
So once again, the annual spectacle known as the MTV Video Music Awards has come and gone. From the often-repeated attempts to portray the "history" of this event, you would think that there are only four ? memories from the first 17 of these:
- how weird everyone looked in the first one
- Arsenio Hall hosted it a bunch of times
- L'il Kim wore an outfit one year that exposed one of her (as Tom Green put it) "boobies" and Diana Ross "went to second base" with her, and
- Britney took it off last year
Well, when the history of this year's VMAs is written, what version will we get, what actually happened or what MTV wants you to remember? Simple. That was answered in the first 30 seconds of the post-show last Thursday night. I will ask you all a simple question, and we'll see if you actually paid attention to the events of the other night. The question is this: Who won the most Moon Men?
BZZZZZ, wrong!!! It was NOT 'N Sync. Fatboy Slim won five awards, FIVE. However, you wouldn't know it if you watched the awards or worse yet, MTV's "spin" on the awards known as the VMA Post-Show. I turned it off after the first 30 seconds because they immediately started gushing about how 'N Sync dominated and it was their night and on and on and *click*. I also shut it off because I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: "Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool..." Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it.
Anyhoo, back to the 'N Sync Career Salvation Awards, cuz this is what last night was. This just confirms everything that I ever believed about MTV and how they control what is popular. That annoying "Pop" song was a dud on the pop charts, barely breaking the Top 20 on Billboard and then plunging, radio wasn't being too receptive to their next single, and "Celebrity" was starting to look like a one-week wonder sales-wise, selling 2 million the first week and then immediately starting a slow descent down the charts. MTV had to do something to save their careers, cuz let's face it, the teen-pop genre is in trouble. If that goes down, nobody watchesTRL anymore and what would they do with Carson Daly? He certainly didn't look like he belonged when he was up there introducing U2 (both times, before and after MTV f-ed up and went to commercial), and whose bright idea was it for him to suddenly pop up in the audience interviewing J.Lo in the middle of the show?
Teen pop is dying a slow, ugly death and this only seems to prolong the agony for everyone. 98 Degrees can't get arrested, O-Town is o-ver, they had to group Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Dream together for the same presentation to remind people that they still existed. Speaking of that, by the way, nice move sticking the short Jessica next to the tall Mandy. It's a shame that Mandy had to have those others grafted onto her, because she's the only one of them who will still have a career 12 months from now. The Backstreet Boys hit the wall when A.J. hit rehab; their 5-second appearance was nothing more than a reminder that THEY still existed, and A.J. got the heck out before he could get made fun of anymore.
That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) Meanwhile, they won best dance video, best group video, best pop video, and the Viewer's Choice, which may as well be the 'N Sync Award anyway, because who else calls this thing besides 'N Sync's target demo-- 12-18 year old girls? And the only reason I can see that "Lady Marmalade" won the Best Video of the year was because 'N Sync was not nominated. By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV. Oh by the way, can Christina Aguilera be any more of a diva? At least she's not in the loony bin like Mariah.
Now, all award shows are known to go long timewise; however, MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. Every time someone came up to present an award, it was "Oh by the way, my new album, 'YadaYadaYada' comes out on yadayada." It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months.
However, back to 'N Sync. What this proves is what MTV has wanted to accomplish all along; Billboard is no longer relevant, Top 40 radio is no longer relevant. "Pop" was a dud on the charts, radio shied away from it because radio is moving away from teen pop to avoid a ratings backlash similar to the one that followed the death of disco, and now you would think that it was the song of the year. However, rest assured that outside of MTV's universe, nothing has changed. "Celebrity" might get a slight bump in sales, but "Pop" won't suddenly turn around on the charts, radio won't go rushing to play the new single, and the "style over substance" trend will continue to decline. It has simply gotten ridiculous. Fatboy Slim won five awards, but four of them came before the show even started, because after all, who would an average MTV viewer rather see on stage, Christopher Walken or 'N Sync? Still, I was amused that Christopher Walken beat out Janet Jackson for best choreography; I'll betcha Janet never uses that choreographer again.
You knew MTV was taking the style over substance thing too far when the first MTV2 Award went to a bunch of guys whose attire for the evening included a makeup job that looked like they had just been shot in the head. I thought for sure it would go to Gorillaz. Now there's an example of bucking the style over substance trend, their whole act is that they hide behind cartoon images that don't even resemble them, the cartoons play on the screen while they play in the background. How many of you knew that the lead singer of Gorillaz is in fact, the leader singer of Blur? Very few of you, I'll bet. Back to these IQ champs who won the award, I'm very sure I wasn't the only one who was wishing those bullet wounds to the head were real.
If you need any more proof, just look at Britney's performance which ended the show. While the boa constrictor was an interesting touch, about halfway through the song, I proclaimed, "OK, I'm over it." Which I am. Britney has become a cartoon of herself, Jessica Simpson (a.k.a. Britney II) is more real than her now. I don't see either that new single or album going far, so she may be done. All this leaves me begging, no, pleading for that "new sound", that "next big thing" I referred to a few months ago.
There are a few signs that we may be on the verge of it, we may know who the stars of the next few years are, that started to show at the VMAs if you were actually paying attention any time 'N Sync wasn't on stage. Alicia Keys was great, and I like her sound, "Fallin'" is kinda like a smoky piano blues number updated for today's tastes, and if her other stuff is anything like this, she may have the Best New Artist Grammy locked up next February. I also like Staind; they performed their new single, "Fade", and even though they've been all over the place this year, I don't feel like Staind has a burnout potential right now.
So 12 months from now, expect everyone who was there this year to still be there at the VMAs, only there will be a lot more people asking the all-too relevant question, "What are you still doing here?"
- how weird everyone looked in the first one
- Arsenio Hall hosted it a bunch of times
- L'il Kim wore an outfit one year that exposed one of her (as Tom Green put it) "boobies" and Diana Ross "went to second base" with her, and
- Britney took it off last year
Well, when the history of this year's VMAs is written, what version will we get, what actually happened or what MTV wants you to remember? Simple. That was answered in the first 30 seconds of the post-show last Thursday night. I will ask you all a simple question, and we'll see if you actually paid attention to the events of the other night. The question is this: Who won the most Moon Men?
BZZZZZ, wrong!!! It was NOT 'N Sync. Fatboy Slim won five awards, FIVE. However, you wouldn't know it if you watched the awards or worse yet, MTV's "spin" on the awards known as the VMA Post-Show. I turned it off after the first 30 seconds because they immediately started gushing about how 'N Sync dominated and it was their night and on and on and *click*. I also shut it off because I cannot stand Suchin Pak. Whose idea was it to hire her? This was every interview she conducted during the Pre-Show: "Oh my god, you are so cool, you rock, your outfit is soooo cool, I loved your entrance, it was soooo cool..." Puffay, errrr, P. Didday looked so disinterested when she was interviewing him he must have wondered if renting that 18 wheeler was really worth it.
Anyhoo, back to the 'N Sync Career Salvation Awards, cuz this is what last night was. This just confirms everything that I ever believed about MTV and how they control what is popular. That annoying "Pop" song was a dud on the pop charts, barely breaking the Top 20 on Billboard and then plunging, radio wasn't being too receptive to their next single, and "Celebrity" was starting to look like a one-week wonder sales-wise, selling 2 million the first week and then immediately starting a slow descent down the charts. MTV had to do something to save their careers, cuz let's face it, the teen-pop genre is in trouble. If that goes down, nobody watchesTRL anymore and what would they do with Carson Daly? He certainly didn't look like he belonged when he was up there introducing U2 (both times, before and after MTV f-ed up and went to commercial), and whose bright idea was it for him to suddenly pop up in the audience interviewing J.Lo in the middle of the show?
Teen pop is dying a slow, ugly death and this only seems to prolong the agony for everyone. 98 Degrees can't get arrested, O-Town is o-ver, they had to group Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Dream together for the same presentation to remind people that they still existed. Speaking of that, by the way, nice move sticking the short Jessica next to the tall Mandy. It's a shame that Mandy had to have those others grafted onto her, because she's the only one of them who will still have a career 12 months from now. The Backstreet Boys hit the wall when A.J. hit rehab; their 5-second appearance was nothing more than a reminder that THEY still existed, and A.J. got the heck out before he could get made fun of anymore.
That leaves only 'N Sync as a viable commercial force, and the Michael Jackson circus is overshadowing them, so what do they do? They get MJ to dance with them for 30 seconds (he DOES realize that they're over 18, right?) Meanwhile, they won best dance video, best group video, best pop video, and the Viewer's Choice, which may as well be the 'N Sync Award anyway, because who else calls this thing besides 'N Sync's target demo-- 12-18 year old girls? And the only reason I can see that "Lady Marmalade" won the Best Video of the year was because 'N Sync was not nominated. By the time 'N Sync had won the fourth Moon Man, I felt like Elvis did just before the time when he shot out his TV. Oh by the way, can Christina Aguilera be any more of a diva? At least she's not in the loony bin like Mariah.
Now, all award shows are known to go long timewise; however, MTV's supposedly 3-hour show wound up going 3 1/2 hours, and I can tell you exactly why. It was all those stupid album plugs. Every time someone came up to present an award, it was "Oh by the way, my new album, 'YadaYadaYada' comes out on yadayada." It got so bad that I thought Busta Rhymes was going to deck Shakira because she took the wind out of his album plug with one of her own. I must give credit to Macy Gray though, with her album plug. It was printed on the front of her dress, with the words "Buy It" on her backside. That had to be easily the most coherent statement she's made in months.
However, back to 'N Sync. What this proves is what MTV has wanted to accomplish all along; Billboard is no longer relevant, Top 40 radio is no longer relevant. "Pop" was a dud on the charts, radio shied away from it because radio is moving away from teen pop to avoid a ratings backlash similar to the one that followed the death of disco, and now you would think that it was the song of the year. However, rest assured that outside of MTV's universe, nothing has changed. "Celebrity" might get a slight bump in sales, but "Pop" won't suddenly turn around on the charts, radio won't go rushing to play the new single, and the "style over substance" trend will continue to decline. It has simply gotten ridiculous. Fatboy Slim won five awards, but four of them came before the show even started, because after all, who would an average MTV viewer rather see on stage, Christopher Walken or 'N Sync? Still, I was amused that Christopher Walken beat out Janet Jackson for best choreography; I'll betcha Janet never uses that choreographer again.
You knew MTV was taking the style over substance thing too far when the first MTV2 Award went to a bunch of guys whose attire for the evening included a makeup job that looked like they had just been shot in the head. I thought for sure it would go to Gorillaz. Now there's an example of bucking the style over substance trend, their whole act is that they hide behind cartoon images that don't even resemble them, the cartoons play on the screen while they play in the background. How many of you knew that the lead singer of Gorillaz is in fact, the leader singer of Blur? Very few of you, I'll bet. Back to these IQ champs who won the award, I'm very sure I wasn't the only one who was wishing those bullet wounds to the head were real.
If you need any more proof, just look at Britney's performance which ended the show. While the boa constrictor was an interesting touch, about halfway through the song, I proclaimed, "OK, I'm over it." Which I am. Britney has become a cartoon of herself, Jessica Simpson (a.k.a. Britney II) is more real than her now. I don't see either that new single or album going far, so she may be done. All this leaves me begging, no, pleading for that "new sound", that "next big thing" I referred to a few months ago.
There are a few signs that we may be on the verge of it, we may know who the stars of the next few years are, that started to show at the VMAs if you were actually paying attention any time 'N Sync wasn't on stage. Alicia Keys was great, and I like her sound, "Fallin'" is kinda like a smoky piano blues number updated for today's tastes, and if her other stuff is anything like this, she may have the Best New Artist Grammy locked up next February. I also like Staind; they performed their new single, "Fade", and even though they've been all over the place this year, I don't feel like Staind has a burnout potential right now.
So 12 months from now, expect everyone who was there this year to still be there at the VMAs, only there will be a lot more people asking the all-too relevant question, "What are you still doing here?"
posted by Dave | 11:08 PM
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