Society for the Prevention of Media Cruelty to Groundhogs
Well, it's that time of the year again, as we come up on that one day that some people look forward to all winter, but one I think is completely unnecessary and way too overblown. In fact, I think we should stamp it out completely, before it gets completely out of hand; that is, if it hasn't already.
Whoa, no I'm not talking about the Super Bowl. I mean Groundhog Day.
Yup, you know the drill by now... every February 2, the eyes of the world descend on Punxsutawney, Pah, to see if a little woodland rodent by the name of "Phil" sees his shadow when he pops up out of his hole. Legend has it that if he does, he will essentially freak, dive back into his hole, and we get six more weeks of winter. Considering the weather we've had recently, this of course begs the obvious question: six MORE weeks of winter? We haven't even had six weeks of winter PERIOD this year! Not that I'm complaining, but mid-60s in late January just ain't right.
Now I may be taking a little of the so-called "mystique" away from this annual tradition, but when you do that, it pretty much exposes the day for what it is... a complete and total waste of time. I mean, I realize that the little backwater burg of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania has to have something to hang its hat on besides a name that is darn near impossible to spell, but this is kinda ridiculous. Sure enough, though, tradition will go on as planned tomorrow morning. If you've ever actually seen the video they show of this farce every year, essentially what happens is "Phil" pokes his head out of his hole, looks to see his shadow...
...then gets hoisted up by some dude in a top hat who looks like he just stepped out of the 1880s while flash bulbs galore go off. This begs another question: WHEN THE HELL DOES HE GET A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY SEE HIS SHADOW??? How do they know? They don't even give him a chance, and how the hell is he going to NOT see his shadow with TV lights and flash cameras all over the place? As gaudy an affair as this sounds, it gets worse, my friends, because this year, there's an added element to the festivities in Punxsutawney.
National Guard troops.
No, I'm not kidding. They are actually going to have troops and bomb-sniffing dogs patroling the area around "Phil's" humble subterranean abode. The mayor of the town actually went on record as saying they thought about canceling the ceremonies in light of the 9-11 attacks, but they went on, because as we all know, if Punxsutawney Phil can't see his shadow, (everybody all together now) then the terrorists win. Now I may be crazy (bite your tongue, dear reader), but if I'm Osama Bin Laden, well first of all I'm scared s---less hiding in my cave wherever I am, but secondly, I don't think I'm sitting there saying, "Well, we could swipe a nuclear warhead, we could hijack some more planes and crash them into skyscrapers... oh, hell, let's just send a sniper to Pennsylvania and pick off a groundhog!"
Now you know the potential for chaos (and great television) that could result from this. Let's just say tomorrow morning, one of those bomb-sniffing dogs gets within sight of "Phil" as he's being hoisted up out of his hole. The end result could be a stunned crowd of locals and media people watching the food chain in action. I can see the headlines now, "Famous Groundhog Eaten By National Guard K-9 Unit".
And on top of that insanity, they're also going to take advantage of the fact that with the delays caused by 9-11, the Super Bowl (see, I was going to get there eventually) will take place the following day, they're going to have "Punxsutawney Phil" pick the winner of the game. No, I'm not making that up either. How they're going to do this is beyond me, but apparently they can tell through grunts and squeaks who he's going to pick. The reasoning behind this was no doubt in anticipation of an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl between the Eagles and Steelers, thus giving more attention to this state I currently call home than it would already get for the February 2nd festivities. However, that dream went up in smoke when Kordell Stewart and Donovan McNabb each developed an uncanny knack for throwing the ball to the other team in the closing minutes of a conference championship game. So, tomorrow, they're going to apparently listen for a grunt or squeak that sounds like either "Patriots" or "Rams", I guess; more likely, "Phil" will be saying the groundhog equivalent of "PUT ME DOWN, YOU TOP-HATTED BASTARD!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR!!! I JUST WANT TO GO FORAGE FOR SOME FOOD!!!"
And of course, there's the obvious question: Is "Phil" taking the Rams with the 14 1/2 points, or just to win the game? As for me, you know I don't pick against the point spread (don't mess with things you do not understand). So, I just pick winners, which I am 8-6 in doing (again I remind you that the record is distorted by the fact that I took the Bills ALL FOUR TIMES). I have gotten the last three right, including Baltimore last year, so keeping that hot streak in mind, I'm going for the obvious pick this year: Rams 45, Patriots 13. Yet another in the fine tradition of Super Bowls that you'll be watching for the commercials rather than the game.
In the meantime, I shall be continuing my crusade to wipe out Groundhog Day forever... at least until Sunday morning, by which point I'll get bored with it and not think about it again until next year at this time.
Whoa, no I'm not talking about the Super Bowl. I mean Groundhog Day.
Yup, you know the drill by now... every February 2, the eyes of the world descend on Punxsutawney, Pah, to see if a little woodland rodent by the name of "Phil" sees his shadow when he pops up out of his hole. Legend has it that if he does, he will essentially freak, dive back into his hole, and we get six more weeks of winter. Considering the weather we've had recently, this of course begs the obvious question: six MORE weeks of winter? We haven't even had six weeks of winter PERIOD this year! Not that I'm complaining, but mid-60s in late January just ain't right.
Now I may be taking a little of the so-called "mystique" away from this annual tradition, but when you do that, it pretty much exposes the day for what it is... a complete and total waste of time. I mean, I realize that the little backwater burg of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania has to have something to hang its hat on besides a name that is darn near impossible to spell, but this is kinda ridiculous. Sure enough, though, tradition will go on as planned tomorrow morning. If you've ever actually seen the video they show of this farce every year, essentially what happens is "Phil" pokes his head out of his hole, looks to see his shadow...
...then gets hoisted up by some dude in a top hat who looks like he just stepped out of the 1880s while flash bulbs galore go off. This begs another question: WHEN THE HELL DOES HE GET A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY SEE HIS SHADOW??? How do they know? They don't even give him a chance, and how the hell is he going to NOT see his shadow with TV lights and flash cameras all over the place? As gaudy an affair as this sounds, it gets worse, my friends, because this year, there's an added element to the festivities in Punxsutawney.
National Guard troops.
No, I'm not kidding. They are actually going to have troops and bomb-sniffing dogs patroling the area around "Phil's" humble subterranean abode. The mayor of the town actually went on record as saying they thought about canceling the ceremonies in light of the 9-11 attacks, but they went on, because as we all know, if Punxsutawney Phil can't see his shadow, (everybody all together now) then the terrorists win. Now I may be crazy (bite your tongue, dear reader), but if I'm Osama Bin Laden, well first of all I'm scared s---less hiding in my cave wherever I am, but secondly, I don't think I'm sitting there saying, "Well, we could swipe a nuclear warhead, we could hijack some more planes and crash them into skyscrapers... oh, hell, let's just send a sniper to Pennsylvania and pick off a groundhog!"
Now you know the potential for chaos (and great television) that could result from this. Let's just say tomorrow morning, one of those bomb-sniffing dogs gets within sight of "Phil" as he's being hoisted up out of his hole. The end result could be a stunned crowd of locals and media people watching the food chain in action. I can see the headlines now, "Famous Groundhog Eaten By National Guard K-9 Unit".
And on top of that insanity, they're also going to take advantage of the fact that with the delays caused by 9-11, the Super Bowl (see, I was going to get there eventually) will take place the following day, they're going to have "Punxsutawney Phil" pick the winner of the game. No, I'm not making that up either. How they're going to do this is beyond me, but apparently they can tell through grunts and squeaks who he's going to pick. The reasoning behind this was no doubt in anticipation of an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl between the Eagles and Steelers, thus giving more attention to this state I currently call home than it would already get for the February 2nd festivities. However, that dream went up in smoke when Kordell Stewart and Donovan McNabb each developed an uncanny knack for throwing the ball to the other team in the closing minutes of a conference championship game. So, tomorrow, they're going to apparently listen for a grunt or squeak that sounds like either "Patriots" or "Rams", I guess; more likely, "Phil" will be saying the groundhog equivalent of "PUT ME DOWN, YOU TOP-HATTED BASTARD!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR!!! I JUST WANT TO GO FORAGE FOR SOME FOOD!!!"
And of course, there's the obvious question: Is "Phil" taking the Rams with the 14 1/2 points, or just to win the game? As for me, you know I don't pick against the point spread (don't mess with things you do not understand). So, I just pick winners, which I am 8-6 in doing (again I remind you that the record is distorted by the fact that I took the Bills ALL FOUR TIMES). I have gotten the last three right, including Baltimore last year, so keeping that hot streak in mind, I'm going for the obvious pick this year: Rams 45, Patriots 13. Yet another in the fine tradition of Super Bowls that you'll be watching for the commercials rather than the game.
In the meantime, I shall be continuing my crusade to wipe out Groundhog Day forever... at least until Sunday morning, by which point I'll get bored with it and not think about it again until next year at this time.
Labels: Groundhog Day
posted by Dave | 4:18 PM
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