So Am I Cool or Not?

I spent the better part of last week flipping through the pages of Rolling Stone's "Cool Issue". Now I, of course, have the belief that we each define what is "cool" for ourselves, and we shouldn't need a popular magazine to tell us. However, I do know that very few people share that same belief, and the people at Rolling Stone certainly wouldn't waste their time with a "Cool Issue" if nobody was going to listen to what they thought was "cool". So, I figured I'd make a few observations about what other people consider "cool".

First of all, I was mortified to find that they considered the year for "Cool Nostalgia" to be 1995. 1995!!! That wasn't very long ago, ya know, but that's not my beef. They can consider last year to be nostalgia and they'd be right, because it's in the past, same as 1995. However, I started 1995 as a high school junior and ended it as a senior. The mere fact that any year that fell while I was in high school is now considered "nostalgia" makes me feel incredibly OLD. Hell, 1995 was my first summer in radio, so this isn't even before I entered my chosen career field; I was working in radio during a year that is considered "nostalgia".

Then, there was the obvious item I was going to criticize, and if you read the "Cool Issue", as soon as you saw it, I'm sure you were thinking, "Oh, Dave's gonna rip that to shreds". Actually, you were probably not thinking of me, but I'm very egotistical like that... anyhoo, it's the fact that Rolling Stone considered Britney Spears to be cool. Sure, they have their "reasons", but it seems to be to read more like an ad for her latest album and it's "not a girl, not yet a woman" subject matter. It may be just because since Ms. Spears (or is it just "Britney" now, as she is rumored to be desiring) is now once again single, the editors of RS (and the male readers) are hoping for any way to attract her attention. At least that disqualifies her and Justin from being eligible for "cool couple". If they had won that, I would've canceled my subscription.

Shameless bow to the TRL generation aside, they do seize on the current shift that is taking place in popular music. The "next big thing" I've been hoping for has turned out to be the return of Indie Rock. The Strokes lead the way; their album sounds like a combination of styles of all the New York bands that paved the way for them, from the Ramones to the Talking Heads to even a splash of Blondie. The current big song from that genre (which unfortunately I can't stand, but that doesn't mean it's not good) is from the White Stripes, a Detroit drum and guitar duo, who depending on who you talk to are either brother and sister or husband and wife (though hopefully not both). If the Strokes are the Clash (a combination of influences), the White Stripes are the Sex Pistols, raw and fast-paced and seemingly lacking much in the way of actual musical talent, but just enough to fool you into thinking they're geniuses. This, by the way, explains the homage to 1995 in this issue of Rolling Stone; that was really the last year you had such a wide array of different styles on rock radio and such a large amount of rock songs crossing over to the pop side of the fence. Flip on a modern rock station (a new phenomenon then), and you would hear Weezer, Elastica, Smashing Pumpkins, Oasis, Phish, new bands with new sounds. Today, it's Puddle of Mudd, the Strokes, Moby, and Badly Drawn Boy.

As it stands right now, I can finally declare that teen pop is DEAD. Jessica Simpson is stuck with having to get her songs on Bally Total Fitness ads to get any airplay, Mandy Moore has done the right thing (and I what I predicted she would do), and has segued straight into fulltime MTV duty, although she now has a budding career as a movie actress. Britney can't get airplay to save her life, and even though her movie did better than anyone thought, the buzz over that has died too, and less than two months after the release. She's now focusing on opening a restaurant and her breakup with Justin may as well be a microcosm of the crumbling world of teen pop. Justin's own group, 'N Sync, is now rumored to be either broken up or on their way to breaking up, especially with Lance trying (desperately, some might say) to get into space. The Backstreet Boys were done as soon as they started hitting the police blotter and the rehab guestbook, 98 Degrees cashed out with a "greatest hits" album, and not even another pathetic season of "Making the Band" can save O-Town now. In past years, people of my ilk would shudder at the thought of summer approaching, because that usually meant another onslaught of new albums and promo campaigns and wall-to-wall radio exposure, but this year, only Christina Aguilera has a new album coming out, and she waited too long. Most of America now only remembers her as the tramp from the "Lady Marmalade" video and the Grammys, where I still don't think that was actually HER going up to get her award. Memo to Christina: the Marilyn Monroe look only worked for Madonna, and even now I'll bet she regrets trying it.

Then there was the category that only Rolling Stone could come up with, "Things that are so uncool that they are cool", which included, among other things, the Montreal Expos. And rightly so; the Expos (and Minnesota Twins) are the team we hope does well, because they've been given a raw deal. Originally slated for contraction, they are now living on borrowed time as Bud Selig figures out a way to either A) contract them after this year, B) move them to Washington without Peter Angelos suing him to death, or C) merge them with his Milwaukee Brewers in the hopes of finally putting together a decent team. And so, we root for them, even when nobody in Montreal will. Of course in my case, that will be put on hold for the 18 games when they play my Mets.

Finally, there was a list I saw myself guilty of several offenses on, a list that just screamed, "Please, God, in the name of COOL, stop..." which included saying "Am I the only one who..." I think I may be guilty of several instances of that one in this column ALONE! Then there is the fact that I only own 3 of what Rolling Stone says are the 50 coolest albums of all time. On the other hand, I disagree with putting the afore-mentioned White Stripes on this list, but that's the whole point of all this, we each define what is cool. Then again, I'm only one person who writes an online column read by tens at most, and Rolling Stone is a giant magazine empire that reaches millions easily, so I guess I'm throwing pebbles at a brick wall here...