Writing in Stengelese

As I sat down to write this week's column, I had a ton of different possible subjects swimming around in my head. Unfortunately, none of them could possibly give me the material to fill an entire column, not even the really short ones where I cheat on the size of the page to make it look like I wrote a normal-length column, but I actually didn't. Also, I have to write this quickly as my current work schedule is giving me just enough time to take five seconds to stop and breathe before I have to call it a night in order to get the requisite sleep to make it through the next day without passing out in mid-shift. Therefore, I decided to write about ALL of the topics I was thinking of, all at the same time. It's a concept called Stengelese, it goes back to Casey Stengel, the manager of the Mets way back when they first started out. He had the uncanny ability to go from one subject to a second to a third and so on, and then in midstream, he'd completely turn right around and finish his first thought. So, I figured if I could write like that, it would sure make this column a heckuva lot easier (and quicker) to write. And so, here goes nothin'...

So this whole Napster thing comes down the other day, and it naturally sends both me and the housemate to our computers along with the rest of humanity to get while the getting is good. Kinda like the Internet version of a massive fire sale, only of course we're not paying for anything, and isn't that how we got into this mess in the first place? Oh by the way, if you were wondering about my stance on Napster, you gotta go back to column #6. Anyhoo, as with any fire sale, there's all manner of odds and ends available to find. Jay is downloading left and right, going effortlessly from Saturday Night Live "Celebrity Jeopardy" to Marvin Gaye to 80s cartoon theme songs.

Speaking of the 80s, as much as a lot in my generation try to forget that we lived through the 80s, inevitably you always go back to it, cuz it was so damn cheesy! Some people, mostly Democrats, refer to it as the "Me Decade", but perhaps the better name would be "The Decade of Cheese". Between big hair held up by enough hair spray to create personal ozone holes over most of the heads of those who wanted to make a statement in that god-forsaken decade, the LOUD colors that were necessary in anyone's wardrobe (not to mention acid-washed and ripped jeans, can't forget those), and the ridiculously bad music, it's the decade you love to hate and hate to admit that you love at least some of it. You know the situation: you're riding in your car, poking around the radio dial, and you land on a song you haven't heard since the 80s, and it's a terrible song, but naturally, you are A) super excited that it came on, cuz you haven't heard it in so long, and B) shocked that you actually still KNOW ALL THE WORDS. And we loved the cartoons, cuz we were completely playing right into what the brainiacs of the time wanted; they were pretty much putting out 30 minute ads for some of the crappiest toys ever created, but you didn't care, cuz you watched the shows, bought the toys, and then went to school and made fun of the kid on the playground who was convinced that the Go-bots could kick the Transformers' asses.

Which brings me to guilty pleasures; everyone has them, and yes, even I do. You would have to figure that I as one of the most outspoken people in the world when it comes to pop culture, that I've gotta have some really impressive skeletons in my pop culture closet, and it's true. For one thing, I like a lot of the Bee Gees' stuff (stop laughing). Yeah, they were disco; let me try that differently: they WERE disco, as in think disco, you think of Bee Gees. However, they weren't like every other disco act that came down the pike that all sounded exactly the same, and of course, that's why disco died; you can only play one kind of beat just so many times. But take "Nights on Broadway", for example, which incidentally is my favorite Bee Gees song; it's just a great song, it's done so well. Again, cheese, but cheese people like (behold the power of cheese).

And then there's the new version of "roadkill television", which is defined as TV that you just shouldn't watch, but you have to for whatever reason, there is just some disgusting appeal to it for you. For many these days, it's that stupid show on MTV, "Jackass". What an idiotic premise, but then again, the people who watch it are obviously even dumber, as you can see in all the stories of dumb-as-a-box-of-hammers teens who get burned, arrested, or maimed imitating the stuff done on this show. The latest example is some yayhoo who copied the "swipe the Taco Bell drive-thru order as the guy's giving it to the person in the car" bit, only when this moron did it, he accidentally broke the Taco Bell guy's arm by smashing it into the edge of the drive-thru window. The worst part about it is that the yayhoo's buddies were sitting out front of the place taping the whole thing. I cannot even conceive why; after all, there's a disclaimer at the end of the show that proclaims, "Do not tape imitations of these stunts and send them to us, WE DON'T WANT THEM!!!" Okay, yes I actually had to watch some of the show in order to have seen that, but it was only a couple minutes. I swear.

The unfortunate problem with this all is it just shows that these human wastes of space have way too much time on their hands, and more will probably have more of this unnecessary free time soon if Napster truly does get shut down (see how I got it back to Napster?) Let's hope these people are never allowed to breed; what role models they'd be for their kids, huh? And furthermore... wow, I'm almost out of space, I did it, got to the end of this thing, and it didn't take that much time or effort (nice, huh?) Of course, this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't shrunk the length of this page. Oops, did I just say that? Um, better wrap this up, my download of the theme from "Danger Mouse" is finishing...