Ask Me Anything
As you no doubt can tell by now, I profess to know the answers to all the world's problems, or I believe that I can easily solve them. It's not really a matter of everyone taking my point of view and agreeing with me (although that would help); we all of course are entitled to our own opinions. I, however, am allowing this time here today to be used by attempting to show how I would fix the things that are wrong in our world today. And so, with obvious apologies to Dave Barry for swiping his often-used Q-A column format, I shall try my best to answer the following:
Q: How would you have solved the election debacle?
A: I sure as hell wouldn't have gotten any lawyers involved. Is there anything more boring than listening to a bunch of lawyers jabbering on all day about things you can only understand if you went to law school as long as they did? No, no, no lawyers. I would have counted the ballots with obvious punched chads (and by the way, do you think anyone's going to remember what a chad is five years from now) and there's your winner. And after that, I would have let Gore and Bush take turns smacking the network anchors who called Florida for both of them before all the votes were counted.
Q: What would you do to fix the problem of dealing with all the snow we get?
A: More snowplow drivers. They don't get enough respect, they are forced to work tons of overtime, and they are underbudgeted. More money for snow removal. Then I would find a way to salt or sand the roads without rusting out all the cars up here. Not that I don't like the way the Ziebart guy says "rrrrrrrust" on the radio, but $100 to keep your car from rusting over the winter? Not bloody likely. Then I would not allow snowblowers to be bought by anyone who likes snow because they love to go skiing and because shoveling snow is "good for your heart". You think that's the case? Fine, then all you get is a shovel, have fun! And if all of that doesn't work, I would take up a collection to move us all to Texas or Florida every winter (mind you, it's a DRY heat).
Q: How do you remove very tough stains from carpets?
A: Simple, by using Resolve(TM) brand carpet cleaner, it's been proven in scientific tests to get even the toughest ground-in stains and traffic patterns off your carpets. And if that doesn't work, burn it.
Q: Everything costs too much these days for underpaid working shlubs like myself. What would you do about raising the minimum wage?
A: First of all, I would like to thank myself for writing such a well-thought out question and that I have such an interest in helping all of the grossly underpaid people who do so much for society like myself. Now then, what was the question? Oh, right, minimum wage. Well, $5.15 is way too little for any person to make per hour, and so I would make sure that the minimum wage is such that after taxes, you could afford one McDonald's extra value meal per hour that you work. After all, if you can't afford to eat well, why bother working? For all the people who earn the minimum wage working at McDonald's, well, I know you don't want to see any more fast food, so you get a large pizza from a major pizza chain of your choice for every two hours you work. Bingo, food problem solved. Now as for the rent and the bills, well, I don't really know how to solve all that, but I sure have made myself hungry with all this talk of fast food.
Q: My husband is cheating on me, and I fear getting a divorce because I know he might find a way to get custody of the kids, what do I do?
A: Uh, you punched in the wrong Web address. You're looking for the Dr. Laura forum.
Q: There is so much negativity in the world today, people always fighting with each other, disagreeing about everything, what would you do about all of the disharmony everywhere?
A: Well, first of all, I respectfully disagree with you on everything you just said, so there. Now, as for how I would fix all of that, I would tell people to at least try and find some common ground. If there is nothing that people can agree on, then we are hopeless as a society and condemned to nothing more than listening to a bunch of uninformed drones yelling at each other everyday about silly political points over our nation's airwaves, and... oh yeah, that's what already goes on today. Never mind.
Q: What do you think is the biggest problem in the world today and how would you solve it?
A; The biggest problem? Easy: plastic wrap. The stuff is supposed to cling to your microwave-safe bowls/dishes/what-have-you so as to protect the food from something or other, and the only thing it ever seems to cling to is itself. You would think the people that invented this would actually do something so that it would serve its purpose. I would make sure that one side of it was coated with some kind of adhesive so it would definitely stick to its intended surface. OK, so it might make your food taste a little funny, but you can relax safe in the knowledge that your food is protected from whatever the hell it is that plastic wrap protects food from in the microwave.
Q: Are you at all concerned that all you have really done here is given a bunch of ridiculous and nonsensical answers to important questions and wasted what would otherwise have been a useful and relevant column for this week?
A: Whoa, look at the time! Looks like I gotta go, lots of important stuff to do, places to go, etc. See ya next week!
Q: How would you have solved the election debacle?
A: I sure as hell wouldn't have gotten any lawyers involved. Is there anything more boring than listening to a bunch of lawyers jabbering on all day about things you can only understand if you went to law school as long as they did? No, no, no lawyers. I would have counted the ballots with obvious punched chads (and by the way, do you think anyone's going to remember what a chad is five years from now) and there's your winner. And after that, I would have let Gore and Bush take turns smacking the network anchors who called Florida for both of them before all the votes were counted.
Q: What would you do to fix the problem of dealing with all the snow we get?
A: More snowplow drivers. They don't get enough respect, they are forced to work tons of overtime, and they are underbudgeted. More money for snow removal. Then I would find a way to salt or sand the roads without rusting out all the cars up here. Not that I don't like the way the Ziebart guy says "rrrrrrrust" on the radio, but $100 to keep your car from rusting over the winter? Not bloody likely. Then I would not allow snowblowers to be bought by anyone who likes snow because they love to go skiing and because shoveling snow is "good for your heart". You think that's the case? Fine, then all you get is a shovel, have fun! And if all of that doesn't work, I would take up a collection to move us all to Texas or Florida every winter (mind you, it's a DRY heat).
Q: How do you remove very tough stains from carpets?
A: Simple, by using Resolve(TM) brand carpet cleaner, it's been proven in scientific tests to get even the toughest ground-in stains and traffic patterns off your carpets. And if that doesn't work, burn it.
Q: Everything costs too much these days for underpaid working shlubs like myself. What would you do about raising the minimum wage?
A: First of all, I would like to thank myself for writing such a well-thought out question and that I have such an interest in helping all of the grossly underpaid people who do so much for society like myself. Now then, what was the question? Oh, right, minimum wage. Well, $5.15 is way too little for any person to make per hour, and so I would make sure that the minimum wage is such that after taxes, you could afford one McDonald's extra value meal per hour that you work. After all, if you can't afford to eat well, why bother working? For all the people who earn the minimum wage working at McDonald's, well, I know you don't want to see any more fast food, so you get a large pizza from a major pizza chain of your choice for every two hours you work. Bingo, food problem solved. Now as for the rent and the bills, well, I don't really know how to solve all that, but I sure have made myself hungry with all this talk of fast food.
Q: My husband is cheating on me, and I fear getting a divorce because I know he might find a way to get custody of the kids, what do I do?
A: Uh, you punched in the wrong Web address. You're looking for the Dr. Laura forum.
Q: There is so much negativity in the world today, people always fighting with each other, disagreeing about everything, what would you do about all of the disharmony everywhere?
A: Well, first of all, I respectfully disagree with you on everything you just said, so there. Now, as for how I would fix all of that, I would tell people to at least try and find some common ground. If there is nothing that people can agree on, then we are hopeless as a society and condemned to nothing more than listening to a bunch of uninformed drones yelling at each other everyday about silly political points over our nation's airwaves, and... oh yeah, that's what already goes on today. Never mind.
Q: What do you think is the biggest problem in the world today and how would you solve it?
A; The biggest problem? Easy: plastic wrap. The stuff is supposed to cling to your microwave-safe bowls/dishes/what-have-you so as to protect the food from something or other, and the only thing it ever seems to cling to is itself. You would think the people that invented this would actually do something so that it would serve its purpose. I would make sure that one side of it was coated with some kind of adhesive so it would definitely stick to its intended surface. OK, so it might make your food taste a little funny, but you can relax safe in the knowledge that your food is protected from whatever the hell it is that plastic wrap protects food from in the microwave.
Q: Are you at all concerned that all you have really done here is given a bunch of ridiculous and nonsensical answers to important questions and wasted what would otherwise have been a useful and relevant column for this week?
A: Whoa, look at the time! Looks like I gotta go, lots of important stuff to do, places to go, etc. See ya next week!
Labels: questions
posted by Dave | 7:27 PM
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