Hot Weather and Things That Suck About It

Unless you were living in a cave this week (one with air conditioning, I might add), you probably noticed that it got quite hot here in the Eastern United States. We topped 90 here in the burg 2 or 3 days in a row, and I could be wrong, but the last time I checked the calendar, it said APRIL. Hell, two weeks ago, it was SNOWING!

I should be used to this by now; after all, I did grow up in Syracuse, where it was true when you said, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." We're used to the weather going from winter to spring for about a week, then promptly skipping ahead to summer, complete with high heat and humidity. On some days, it even skips straight from winter to summer and BACK. For example, one early January day last year, the temperature shot from 45 to 70 overnight, only to plunge to the 20s in a matter of hours.

So, here in the 'Burg, we went from a cooler-than-normal March to about a week of seasonal weather, and then Mother Nature's hand slipped on the thermostat and the temps shot to record levels. Here's where living in the world's smallest apartment comes into play. Did I mention I do not have air conditioning? The reason for this is that when the previous tenant moved out, the lone AC in the building went to another apartment, but it belongs here. Negotiations are underway, but I am prepared to pull an Ariel Sharon, declare my neighbor a "terrorist" and occupy his apartment until I get said AC back. On the other hand, a week ago, this wasn't an issue, because the temperatures were actually SEASONABLE!

Did I also mention I live on the top floor of my building? Here's a quick lesson on thermodynamics (a big word I learned from Mr. Dowler's high school physics class): heat rises. When you live on the top floor, therefore, you are in the hottest apartment. Now, when you have a lot of heat and want to get rid of it, you must get it out, and the best method (besides an air conditioner) is to pt a fan in the window, the larger the better. Which I have. It does nothing. First of all, I have to keep the fan on and the window open during the day due to the fact that to close up my apartment during the day means that the heat coming from my refrigerator exhaust has nowhere to go, and it builds up. I believe it is now possible to replicate Arizona, or the Sahara, or more appropriately, Hell in my apartment whenever I want.

Home is not an option for passing the time away during a heat wave these days. So, you go in search of a place with AC. Malls are popular for this reason, but then you wind up spending money, and as you all know, I work in radio, so I have no money. Spending $80 on new headphones and new shorts to last through this heat wave is considered a shopping spree for me. Somebody stop me before I break triple digits! Time to pray that you have a workplace with air conditioning. I have two of them, of course, and there are pros and cons to each. The YMCA has air conditioning, however, it is very LOUD, SO YOU HAVE TO YELL WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO THE CUSTOMERS OR EVEN YOUR CO-WORKER STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! The radio station has AC... in the business office. The studio does not, and it is located in a storefront, as I have mentioned in previous columns. Therefore, from 9:00 on, the sunlight and heat comes right in unabated. Again, fans do not solve this problem. On the other hand, it could be much worse. My friend Jacinta (gee, first Dowler, now this, everyone's getting a mention this week...) is a waitress, and damned if the AC didn't break in the part of the restaurant she usually works in.

Which brings me to another cold hard fact, no wait, there's nothing cold about it, let me try that again... another harsh fact about heat waves: they always happen at the worst possible time. The AC breaks... on the first day of a heat wave. You realize your car is low on coolant and you need to get it topped off... on the first day of a heat wave. No sense in going to a full-service gas station to get the job done; not that aren't any, but by the time you drive the necessary distance, your car's already too hot to get the radiator cap off.

While we're on the timing issue, and as everyone knows, I am the King of (Bad) Timing, let's weigh this weather truism: hot weather brings thunderstorms. Or it's supposed to. As much as you wanted to slug your local TV weatherman last winter when he caused a general panic by forecasting The Great Snowstorm That Never Was, you'll want to skip the slugging and go straight to medieval torture when you see him or her start forecasting the cold front and thunderstorms that will break the heat wave. On Monday, he or she says it will happen Wednesday; on Tuesday, it will happen on Thursday; by Thursday, it's been pushed back again to Friday. On Friday, the thunderstorms are forecasted to arrive... but they don't. Meanwhile, you have made sure you took the step of rolling your car windows up so as not to be driving a mobile swimming pool when the storm is over. So, when you come back to your car and no rain has fallen, you open your door and for one brief moment you can actually see Satan in the passenger's seat saying, "Come on in, the weather's great." Then, naturally, when you have reached your destination, you leave the windows rolled down, and THEN the thunderstorms come. I know it, I live it, every freakin' summer.

And people wonder why tempers get as hot as the thermostat when this happens. Ask the typical road rage driver who just went postal on some guy who cut him off, and he'll tell you the same story: 6th day of a 2-day heat wave, his interior is soaked from when he left his windows down, but now the interior is literally steaming hot because he rolled them up just before the sun came out. He's speeding off to some place that's air conditioned, perhaps the supermarket because he just ran out of bottled water or maybe the mall to get the AC he didn't think he'd need for another month or to replace the one that just broke. And this #%@&ing moron just cut him off! I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it happens.

I was talking to someone not long into this stretch of hot weather, and that person actually said, "The way this weather keeps changing, it'll probably snow this weekend." The forecast (take it with a whole pound of salt) is calling for lower 40s Sunday night when this heat finally breaks. If it drops any lower and this guy is right, I may just have to go Ariel Sharon on HIM...