Waiting For the Next Big Thing

I will probably regret this proclamation, but I believe I have all the necessary evidence to state the following: the 90s hangover into the new decade is over. Every new decade begins with a couple years where the trends of the previous decade have to play themselves out. The beginning of the 70s had the end of the Woodstock era and unfortunately the deaths of many of its principal figures. The beginning of the 80s had the death of disco. The beginning of the 90s had to deal with all the hair bands that had long overstayed their welcome, not to mention a pop scene that featured everything from Bette Midler to MC Hammer to Styx. The beginning of this decade had to deal with the lingering popularity of teen-pop. However, I am proud and confident enough to shout from the rooftops that THE TEEN-POP, "BOY BAND" ERA IS OVER!!!

Proof? Just look at the Billboard charts this week. There are no songs from teen-pop or "boy band" acts on the way up the charts; the few that are still there are dropping, fast. I don't count the Ricky Martin/Christina Aguilera duet, because it's equal success for both artists. Also, I have always thought that Christina was above the throwaway, interchangeable teen-pop singers, and that also goes for Destiny's Child. Britney and 'N Sync are supposedly working on more quick follow-up albums, but in their blind rush to "strike while the iron is hot", they might want to notice that the iron is going stone cold. Oh by the way, why the hell does MTV keep putting Jessica Simpson on the air? She had one hit song, and it was nearly two years ago!

If you're wondering just what pushed all this off the American pop culture landscape, so am I. I mean, I see nothing new out there. Hip-hop, R&B, and rap dominate the charts once again, just as they did before the teen-pop acts arrived, and it's definitely not going anywhere soon, nor should it. It still has the crossover appeal, and is still the most popular form of dance music around, and since the days of "American Bandstand", the popularity of music has depended on whether or not "it has a good beat and you can dance to it." It's not like the early 90s, when grunge swept all the hair bands off the airwaves and into obscurity, or at the very least, VH-1 "Where Are They Now?" specials.

No, the demise of this phenomenon pretty much mirrors the death of disco two decades earlier. It collapsed under its own weight. People got sick of seeing endless carbon copies of teen-girl singers and random collections of four or five cute guys with average singing ability and the inability to either write songs or play them on instruments. That, and the fact that they were all produced by the same producers which inevitably made every song sound the same (just like disco) meant that this was all doomed, it was only a question of when.

Which brings me back to an earlier point of mine. What's next? Does anybody know? This decade has to be defined by something, and as there is less than nine years left, something has to come along. Let's look back again at previous decades. In the early 70s, the "Philadelphia sound" developed, which eventually evolved into disco. MTV arrived in 1981, defining the decade that followed. Nirvana and Pearl Jam broke through in late 1991/early 1992. What this all means is we're due. By the end of the year, the next big trend has to arrive on the scene, or else we face the same vanilla period that marked the beginning of the last decade.

First of all, we gotta figure out what we're going to call this decade. Is it the zeroes, the 2000s, the O's? We've gotta come to a consensus on this, folks, so some of us, most notably me, don't come out sounding stupid. In this new Bush era of civility, I'm sure we can get this done.

Now, whether or not I will latch onto the next trend is of course uncertain; I don't know what it will be, therefore I cannot say whether or not I'll like it. I didn't like grunge at first, especially after Kurt Cobain was so glorified after he killed himself. It took me a while to latch on to "modern rock", and by the time I did take a liking to it, its time had passed. No, this does not mean I will suddenly say in the next couple years that "you know, those boy bands weren't so bad after all..."

So what is the next big thing? It is not rap-metal. I'm sorry, but that crap's even more annoying and the bands even more interchangeable that the boy bands. It's just a bunch of groups that all want to sound like Limp Bizkit. If you're looking for a big time tour to come to your town this summer, I would advise against Ozzfest. Nothing against Ozzy, but his lineup consists of the 86th reunion of Black Sabbath and several bands that all sound the same. Then again, that's what most of the Ozzfest tours have been. Since I can't afford concert tickets (remember, I work in radio), I can't really say who I'd pay to go see this year, cuz I can't pay to see anyone.

Of course, we're still going to have to put up with the fallout of this most recent pop implosion for quite sometime. Just as we had to see "Dance Fever" well into the 80s, and Vanilla Ice STILL won't go away, and every 80s hair band you can think of suddenly are all putting out comeback albums, we're still going to have to deal with the attempt to force the winners of WB's "Pop Stars" competition down our throats, in addition to the second season of ABC's "Making the Band", featuring our favorite boy band that sings about nocturnal emissions: O-Town. Now I know you all know me as a calm, cool, level-headed individual, but if you'll pardon me for a minute, I need to go off on a very deserved tirade...

WHO THE HELL THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO RENEW "MAKING THE BAND"??? NOBODY WATCHED IT THE FIRST TIME AROUND! "MAKING THE BAND" IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST ABORTIONS IN TELEVISION HISTORY, AND YET ABC RENEWS IT??? THEY DIDN'T RENEW "SUPERTRAIN" OR "MY MOTHER, THE CAR"! YEAH, A MILLION PEOPLE BOUGHT THEIR ALBUM, BUT A MILLION TV VIEWERS IS ABOUT HALF OF EVEN UPN'S WORST SHOW! IF THE IMPENDING WRITER'S STRIKE MEANS WE'RE GONNA HAVE MORE CRAP LIKE THIS ON TV, I BEG EVERYONE TO COME BACK TO THE TABLE AND STRIKE A DEAL! PLEASE!!!!!

Whew, sorry about that, but it was necessary. I'm sure you all understand.