Enough of Spring Break

Well, the commercials have started on MTV, hyping it up like it's the biggest thing that happens all year. It's almost time for debauchery, crudeness, and excess the likes of which you've never seen and may never see again. No, I don't mean the movie "Tomcats". I am of course referring to Spring Break, that week-long period when college students across the country take hundreds of dollars of Mom and Dad's money, go down to Cancun, Myrtle Beach, or Panama City and wind up spending it all on either a helluva lot of alcohol, prostitutes, or just stuffing it in the underwear of random strippers (or are those fellow co-eds?)

I still have no idea what the purpose of hyping and televising this mess is every year. If it's to remind people that summer is not far away and that all those beautiful sun-splashed beach scenes will be your town soon, I'm sorry but that's not going to get it done for me. As I am writing this, it's snowing (again), thick and heavy stuff, as we close in on a record snowfall of over 190 inches, and we've had snow on the ground for over 110 days in a row. Sorry, this time of year, I see young people dancing around on the beach, I change the channel. Actually I do that all year round, but this time of year, I do it quicker.

Now MTV's been doing this for some 15 years and they have successfully changed the middle of March from a restful week off from school into a reason to do things that you will NEVER tell your kids (unless they happen upon the videotapes you shot to document the occasion). The problem is now every year you've got kids who grew up watching MTV Spring Break and have been waiting all their young lives for that first Spring Break when they hit college, so they can bolt for wherever Carson Daly and Co. have parked their cameras and set new lows for depravity. They actually WANT to try to see if they'll be the bunch that scrapes through the bottom of the barrel. Incidentally, it should be noted that all of these "shows" that are nothing more than excuses to show stuff on TV that is totally unsuitable for anyone under, well, 30, are taped ahead of time. Therefore, don't go planning that big trip to Mey-hi-co for next week, cuz there ain't gonna be anybody there.

It takes a certain breed of collegian to make that trip to Hedonism, er, Spring Break. The big thing that separates them from the rest is that they are usually LOADED. Not with alcohol (that comes later), I mean money, their parents' to be specific. Anyone who went to your typical four-year college knows who I'm talking about (if you're that person, I apologize... no wait, I don't). At Susquehanna, they were mostly business majors, at Syracuse, they're usually your typical "Newhouse brat", getting a free ride through college not on scholarship, but on Mommy and Daddy's college fund, and their parents also paid for that new convertible they drive around campus. Also, they have to be hardcore partying types. The ones who go to the frats where they only let you in if you're either a brother or female (I'm not naming names here, but my fellow Susquehannans know who I'm referring to). The male population of this bunch are probably the type of people who would go see the aforementioned "Tomcats", a ridiculously awful movie if there ever was one, or worse yet that even dumber "Joe Dirt" movie. By the way, a quick aside: Is it just me or can I now tell David Spade movies from just hearing that familiar "AAAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHAAHH" whine of his? It was funny in "PCU", but it's now just getting tiresome. The females, I believe, must have flunked the audition for "Temptation Island", and I mean the ones for the temptors, not the committed couples.

Anyhoo, we will now be treated to a week of days filled with pathetic contests and appearances by even more pathetic acts (more on that in a sec), and nights of "Spring Break Undercover". You remember this show, the one that stars super-horny guys and girls who have uncontrollable urges to give their breasts as much air time as possible. The point where you know it's gone too far has long since been crossed when Jerry Springer doesn't get invited back this year, not because his material is way too edgy, but because he's so "been there, done that" to this crowd.

So Carson Daly (who is engaged by the way, wonder what his fiance thinks...) enters this mix and who is his bubbly co-host this year? None other than Jessica Simpson. Wasn't it just two columns ago (#32 to be exact) when I was wondering why the hell MTV kept giving her face time when she hasn't had a hit song in two years (and no that "Jack and Diane" ripoff does not count, she oughta be charged with murder for what she did to that song)? Well I have now found out why, she's releasing a new album. Apparently she didn't get the memo I sent out at the end of last year (column #22 for those of you who keep track) that IT'S OVER!!! Go back to that Nick dude from 98 Degrees (who are also OVER, by the way) and just go away. And by the way, just for entertainment or shock value I fear, they had to note Ms. Simpson's religious roots and the fact that she is taking the very noble step of saving herself for her future husband, and here she is in the midst of all of this Mexican mayhem. I truly think she is doing a very good and moral thing to lead a life of abstinence (no joking, I'm serious here), but the contradiction here is blatantly obvious. She'll be up on stage performing her latest single to be ticketed for nowhere, keeping her pledge to not jump in the sack with anyone until she's married, but she'll be playing to a crowd that probably cannot go a whole NIGHT without jumping in the sack with someone.

Now I'm not trying to be the Fun Police here, and I don't want people to go thinking I'm not into having a good time. I prefer, however, that they not include excessive amounts of nudity, alcohol (most of the time), and general immorality. Maybe it's the whole blue-collar vs. white-collar unbringing thing, but if I had money (big IF, by the way), I sure as hell wouldn't blow it on something like this. Not that nightlife in Syracuse is even in the same ballpark as Spring Break in Cancun, but I also know they got laws up here against most of the stuff that happens down there. Now if only television would have the same.