Can You Read This Over the Annoying Horns?

The World Cup is once again taking place, this time in South Africa, and a nation that usually doesn't give a rat's ass about soccer (unless their kids are playing a youth game, in which case you better stay the heck out of their way) is getting psyched about watching "the beautiful game." Or maybe they're just psyched about the fact that the early-morning start times for many of the games allows them to get their drink on at the local bars WAY earlier than usual.

Anyway, the first thing you get treated to when turning on a World Cup game is a loud, harsh buzzing noise. No, it's not a killer bee invasion in South Africa, that is the sound of thousands of soccer fans blowing horns. In Africa, they are called vuvuzelas, but they're the conventional plastic horn that you hear occasionally from one or two guys at a hockey game, a CFL game, or (back in the day) a Montreal Expos game. Only in this case, it's thousands of people blowing horns at once... for no apparent reason other than the fact that they can. The result is, to say the least, annoying. In fact, if you just imagine the sound of vuvuzelas in your head, it may actually have the ability to drown out the words you are reading on the screen right now. And since my roommate got a surround-sound system for the apartment, let me tell you there is nothing quite like the surround-sound vuvuzela experience. I'm not saying that as a compliment.

And now we've had a non-stop succession of "being drowned out by vuvuzela" jokes, radio guys getting vuvuzelas and blaring them on-air, usually to drown out the news guy on your hometown's "morning zoo" show. Yeah, we Americans do get obsessed over silly things, don't we? But then again, we're the culture that embraced "Jersey Shore," which can be just as ear-splittingly annoying to listen to. The Florida Marlins gave out 15,000 mini-vuvuzelas last night to their fans, causing the game against the Tampa Bay Rays to sound like a smaller, higher-pitched version of a World Cup soccer game. Understandably, some players and umpires used earplugs. Hopefully, that was a one-time stunt, because if you think baseball purists got worked up over "thunder sticks", imagine how mad they'll be if vuvuzelas become a consistent staple at America's ballparks.

Speaking of complaining... in a typical display of elitist prissiness, the soccer community got outraged about the vuvuzelas and wanted them banned because they were ruining the World Cup experience. Of course, for many European favorites, this has quickly been replaced by the reality that it's their own team that is ruining their World Cup experience. England, France, Spain, Germany... all losing or tying games they were expected to win in the opening round. France's team is in total disarray, refusing to practice, and the team director has quit. And then of course, there was England's stunning 1-1 tie against her former colonies, which was caused primarily by their goalie's failure to stop an easy shot.

Now, the goalie in question has been benched, and conspiracy theories abound regarding how lousy the ball is that is being used at the World Cup. However, the always-entertaining British tabloids quickly found a much better excuse for the lackluster goaltending... his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, apparently he'd just been through a bad breakup, and you know how those high-profile relationships can be. Proving that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, the Spaniards have also pinned their stunning loss to Switzerland on goaltender relationship issues. Expect an unofficial rule change in 2014: no girlfriends allowed during the Cup final. After all, as Mickey once told us in the movie "Rocky", "Women weaken the legs."

But nothing grabs the headlines in American sports quite like the blown call. The U.S. team stormed back from a 2-0 deficit against Slovenia to tie the game, and then appeared to score the game-winner, only to have it waved off due to a foul that nobody but the referee saw. Well, this mobilized the American sports media like few things can. And to be fair, the European commentators hired by ESPN for the cup also felt that we Yanks got hosed. Naturally the Slovenians played the "boorish American thuggery" card in saying it was the correct call and we did not deserve to win. The only people who agree probably live in Iran, North Korea, or Berkeley. And speaking of North Korea, who didn't love that one fan's sign that read, "Kim Jong Il thinks I'm at work"? Regardless of the impact of this incident on the U.S. team's chances going forward, I'll bet Jim Joyce was breathing a huge sigh of relief when this happened. His is no longer the "big blown call of the moment".

Another response to the World Cup, of course, is the cynical view of many that we Americans are just pretending to be a soccer-crazed nation for a few weeks, and that we really don't like soccer. Well yeah, they're right. We don't like soccer, but we like what it makes people do. It's fun watching whole nations go apoplectic over the result of a soccer game. We don't even get worked up that much for the Olympics (recent US-Canada hockey classics notwithstanding). We usually reserve that kind of hysterical reaction for things like Octomom and the KFC Double Down.

Here in Philadelphia, they're hoping the excitement generated by the World Cup will spill over into success for the new Major League Soccer franchise, the Philadelphia Union. However, just in time for the official MLS opener at brand-new PPL Park in Chester, the mayor of Chester has declared a state of emergency because of a recent string of homicides. Hopefully, this won't result in the cancellation of any games... because then there would really be violence. You don't want to piss off soccer fans...