Dino-palooza

Sometimes the greatest ideas are born at parties. Give a bunch of guys a few beers, get them talking about stuff, and they can become regular Einsteins, or in this case Bill Grahams. This particular concept was created and blossomed at a friend's birthday party a couple weeks ago back in Syracuse (on the timeline of recent events in my life, put it on the night before the wedding that I chronicled in the last column).

Actually, this story starts back at the radio station I currently work for. I saw that a bunch of 90s alternative rock bands had gotten together to form something called the "New World Disorder Tour". We're talking about the Gin Blossoms, Sponge, the Spin Doctors, and Seven Mary Three; four bands whose best days came during Bill Clinton's first term as president, and only Seven Mary Three has put out anything approaching a hit record in recent years. So, I started mockingly referring to their cross-country jaunt as the "Dinosaurs of Modern Rock Tour", a concept that both amuses me and also makes me feel really OLD. Think about it, alternative/grunge/modern rock/whatever you want to call it has been around for so long now, that we actually have DINOSAUR bands. We can no longer mock Styx and REO Speedwagon or Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth (OK, we can still mock those two guys) when they go out on tour and call them dinosaurs out for one big cash grab, because our generation now has its own dinosaurs. We call out Journey and Night Ranger, they can counter with Cracker and Live.

So there I am at this party a couple weeks back, and I brought up this whole "Dinosaurs of Modern Rock Tour" concept, and suddenly everyone at the party started running with it. They started coming up with band after band that deserved to be on this bill, and the next thing you know, we had to make this into a traveling festival. Fittingly enough, we dubbed it "Dino-palooza".

So what does it take to become a part of "Dino-palooza"? Well, in order to get on the main stage, when you hear the name of the band, the first thing you have to think is "what the hell ever happened to them?" In other words, their last album (or more) have to have passed so far below the radar that you didn't even realize they had put one out. Or, in the case of Sponge and the Spin Doctors, and the Gin Blossoms, they have to have split up about five or so years ago and recently gotten back together (for no other reason I can see than the inevitable cash grab). However, they do have to be together, so if you want Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, or Hole on "Dino-palooza", you're going to have to go track down Chris Cornell, Billy Corgan and Courtney Love and tell them to get their bands back together. And while you're at it, tell Courtney that she is not entitled to own everything Nirvana ever did; she wasn't in the band, she didn't write any of the songs, the only reason she's in the picture is she was lucky enough to land Kurt Cobain as a husband, and for that she should be thrilled with her one-third. If she's not the Yoko Ono of this generation, I don't know who is.

Anyway, back to the obvious choices. Gin Blossoms, Spin Doctors, Seven Mary Three, and Sponge are a good start, they all get the main stage. Also Cracker and Live (sorry Ed, the last couple albums were OK, but you really haven't done anything big since "Throwing Copper"). While we're at it, you can plug in The Cranberries, The Cure, and Soul Asylum. Add Better Than Ezra for no other reason than the fact that they had to be the "College Gameday Band" on ESPN to draw attention to their last album. INXS would not have been on this tour if they hadn't decided to grab some random guy to replace the late Michael Hutchence and hit the road this year, so they're certainly in. While you're taking notes here, you should also take note that I have pretty much proven that I don't just take shots at has-been teen-pop stars.

Okay, now for the painful ones, the bands that I have to regret the fact that they belong here, because I like them all, and I will still buy their new albums if I think they're good enough. Blues Traveler, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and R.E.M. would apply here. Then there are the borderline decisions, the tough ones that could go either way. The Offspring are edging closer to "Dino-palooza"; if they put out another "Americana" knock-off like their last album, they're in. If Green Day's next album sucks, they may be a candidate (and "Shenanigans" doesn't count, it's a B-side album, of course it's not going to be the next "Dookie"). Collective Soul is close too. Suffice it to say that as the years go by, the lineup for "Dino-palooza" will only grow bigger.

I think it should be noted that some alternative bands managed to save themselves from landing on this tour. Counting Crows put out "Hard Candy", and while the Coca-Cola ads put them very close to having to hire roadies for our little mega-festival, "American Girls" has done well enough to keep them off for now. Our Lady Peace redeemed themselves big time with the album "Gravity", which had a hit with "Somewhere Out There" and another potential one with "Innocent". But the biggest save came from Weezer. Before the "Green Album" came out, what made anyone think these guys had a destiny other than "Dino-palooza"? Now, they're the biggest thing going.

At first I would not accept one hit wonders, because when's the last time you saw a one hit wonder playing any major rock festival? One hit wonders don't do that; one hit wonders throw car alternators through pub windows and threaten to "pistol whip" people with starters pistols. In case you think I just pulled that completely out of my you-know-where, I'm not; that's exactly what Adam Ant (yes, ADAM ANT) just pleaded guilty to doing. Anyway, I finally decided that since we're making this "Dino-palooza" a pretty big deal, we have to get as many bands on this thing as possible, so if it's a well-known one hit wonder, yeah, we can throw them on the second stage. That would cover the Screaming Trees, the Breeders, Faith No More, and two-hit wonders like Matthew Sweet, Rancid, and Candlebox.

Then of course, you need a headliner, someone to finish the night on the main stage with a big rockin' show to send everyone home happy. I think only one band can fill this role: Jane's Addiction. Hell, it makes sense; if it wasn't for Jane's and Perry Farrell, we wouldn't have a Lollapalooza to model this after. Also, they are back together now, playing festivals in Mexico and working on a new album, so they certainly qualify for the tour, so why not headline it, and while we're at it, we should probably put Perry at the controls and let him run this thing, since he knows what he's doing, and all this is just too taxing for a bunch of Joe Averages from Syracuse to handle.

Maybe when this traveling road show is over, they can all set up shop in one town, open up their own theatres, and rake in the tourist bucks. Yup, that's right; the Generation X version of Branson, Missouri. But where would we have it? No, not Seattle, Seattle is too good to deserve such a fate, so may I humbly suggest Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. It's far enough out of the way, but still close to major cities (much like Branson), and there is something about this place that screams "future hokie resort town". Let's make this happen, both for the bands' sake and the 'Burg!