I Don't Like American Music... Baby...

A little nod to the Violent Femmes there...

The American Music Awards was on the other night, so I decided to watch in my continuing efforts to critique pop culture. I have to tell ya, what I saw was enough to make me want to stop writing this blog/column again. I mean I can't make fun of this stuff... because I FEEL SORRY for these people. I mean, do they realize how much they suck? Do they really think they're making good music? News flash: you're not. Not even close.

First of all, you know the night's not getting off to a good start when what was perhaps the night's biggest ovation went to Britney Spears for dumping K-Fed. Sorry I never had a chance to weigh in on this when it first happened; I was too busy chronicling a peaceful transition of power in Washington. Also what's more, I didn't care. So Britney can now attempt to sell copies of her next album by portraying herself as newly single and wanting it bad, and K-Fed can go back to what he was doing before he got with Britney... nothing. Oh wait, that's also what he was doing when he was with Britney...

Let's face it, there's not much room for real rock on these awards shows, like the AMAs or the Billboard Music Awards... this is where you go for the music picked by the people who determine the pop culture of this country: teenage girls. As a result, the rock nominees get smashed together with the pop nominees, and the result is a list of nominees for best pop/rock album of the year that reads as follows: Nickelback, the Red Hot Chili Peppers... and "High School Musical"? I'm sorry, was the soundtrack to "Hannah Montana" not eligible this year? Turns out, actually, that the soundtrack to this Disney production was the TOP-SELLING ALBUM of 2006. And what better place to spotlight this then Disney's TV network, ABC? I thought when Eisner was kicked out, that would stop Disney's plans for world domination; apparently I was wrong.

Meanwhile, we also get treated to things like the Pussycat Dolls, a Los Angeles burlesque act that some record exec decided to take out of the gentleman's clubs and drop on Main Street USA. Congratulations, America... it only took you 10 years, but you've finally come up with an answer to the Spice Girls. Not that we WANTED one.

If you care, the Chili Peppers were the top winners for awards, taking home three, which I guess gave the evening some measure of justice, since their new stuff is quite good. However, it's not about who wins awards on this show... no, apparently this year it was a race to see who can divebomb their career faster. Hence, we got to see the spectacle of Gwen Stefani channeling JULIE FREAKIN' ANDREWS. The result was a combination of a bad copy of "Hey Baby" and a song from "The Sound of Music". It wasn't pretty. Who is Gwen taking career advice from? Her husband? Quite possible, considering nobody's bought an album any of his various projects have released in years.

See folks, Jay-Z had to come back, because he's the only non-rock artist who is seemingly capable of making good music. It will be EASY for Hova to dominate this current pop landscape, and why come back unless you know you're going straight to #1? I do like his music, especially the mash-up he did with Linkin Park; the live version of that at Live 8 last year was arguable the top moment of the show. Only downside to all this: I never thought we'd have to lump Jay-Z in with Garth Brooks and Celine Dion, but now that he's done the "I'm retiring... oh wait, I'm back" thing, I guess we have to.

So as the night went on, it got worse and worse, and when I heard the words, "Coming up next: the return of Lionel Richie", I was done. The most amusing part of it may have come the next day when I got to read an AP reporter's recap of the show. The things she said could only have been written because you HAVE to be objective if you're writing a news story. Among the things she reported were that Britney Spears "looked sleek", Gwen Stefani "yodeled and rapped convincingly", and Nicole Richie is apparently just "dimunitive". Okay... here's the review of both me and my friend Nikki who also saw the show... Britney looked like CRAP, Gwen SUCKED, and Nicole is ANOREXIC, not "diminutive."

Well, I guess we really do need me to continue writing this blog, because I need to tell you how it really is. Okay, I feel better now... not about pop culture, just about the need for me to continue making fun of it...