This is Why I'm Not a Rock Critic

"Look again, rock is dead" - The Who, 1978

"The King is dead, rock is done" - The Kinks, 1978

"Rock and roll is dead" - Lenny Kravitz, 1995

"Rock is deader than dead" - Marilyn Manson, 1998

From the above quotes, you can discern one truism about rock music: people like to declare it "dead" a lot, and most of those people are the ones who make rock music. However, music critics also like to do it, and Jon Caramanica of The New York Times was the latest when he gave his review of rock in 2011. Well, first he termed 2011 "The Year Rock Spun Its Wheels", but after panning veteran bands who may have hung on too long and terming the up and coming groups "generic," he said that there wasn't a single great rock album in 2011 and that the genre has "been left to rot." Stating (in that elite, "music critic" way) that calling rock dead would be a cop-out, he called it "zombified." Okay, yeah, whatever... you declared it dead. Worse than dead. Walking Dead.

Of course, this isn't the first time the Paper of Record has done this. 15 years ago, the New York Times declared rock to be dead because Soundgarden broke up and Pearl Jam's "No Code" and STP's "Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop" were both considered disappointments. But I guess this is why newspapers pay to have music critics... they stir up debate. Usually by stating something that cannot help but make people howl in disagreement. I wouldn't consider Foster the People's "Torches" and the new Black Keys album to be the greatest albums of the last 5 years, but they certainly are better than the dull retread characterizations they got from Caramanica. Calling Blink-182's comeback album a flop? Their fans would disagree, as would I. Saying that Sum 41 and the Chili Peppers were "well past their sell-by date"? I think "Rain Dance Maggie" was a better song than anything on "Stadium Arcadium" and "Screaming Bloody Murder" was Sum 41's best album in nearly a decade. And gee, I'm sorry the Foo Fighters just keep making solid albums. Now, I'll admit there were some disappointments last year (The Strokes' "Angles" and Death Cab for Cutie's "Codes and Keys" were a step down from their past work), but if you judge a year by the presence or absence of instant classics, you're bound to be disappointed.

And if he thinks rock died in 2011, I can only imagine what Caramanica thinks of 2012 so far. I have heard very little so far this year that I would find to be worth my time or money. Disappointing follow-ups to hit songs, and new bands on which I'm just not willing to go all in yet. Unless some bands raise the bar with their upcoming releases, Caramanica may state that 2011 killed rock and 2012 pissed on the corpse.

This is why even though I joke that I'd love to get the pay for being a music critic, I wouldn't ever actually want the job. I know that people won't like what I say, and I care too much what people think of me (call it a weakness). I never even made value judgments about the songs I played when I was a DJ. Of course, it's standard procedure not to criticize the music you play, but I never even said that I thought something was good. I never bought into being called a "tastemaker" when I chose the songs my station played; I was playing what I thought my audience wanted to hear. These days, I say what I want on this blog and on Twitter and Facebook, and that's good enough for me. Mass audiences aren't reading what I say and thumbing their noses at it.

But one thing I will do is make my Grammy picks. If you've read this blog before, you know that I don't just predict who will win the major awards, I also suggest who SHOULD win the awards. There are times when Grammy likes things that leave people scratching their heads (Esperanza Spalding and Herbie Hancock, for example), so never count out the unconventional winners on Grammy Night. So without further ado...

Best Alternative Album... Who Should Win: My Morning Jacket for "Circuital". A longtime favorite on the indie scene, this is their chance to break through.
Who Will Win: Foster the People. Hit songs trump indie cred.

Best Rock Performance... Who Should Win: Tough decision between "Walk" by the Foo Fighters and "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons. I go with Mumford and Sons.
Who Will Win: Grammy loves Mumford and Sons... they performed with DYLAN last year, for Christ's sake.

Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance... Who Should Win: Interesting that Sum 41 and the Foos are among the nominees this year, but it's just not their category. Therefore, Megadeth should win.
Who Will Win: Really, Megadeth winning a Grammy? Are you kidding me? They're 0-for-9 with the Grammys. Make it 0-for-10. Dream Theater wins.

Best Rock Song... Who Should Win: It's the same nominees, so that makes it easy. Mumford should, and will, win.

Best Rock Album... Who Should Win: Well, "Wasting Light" was my pick for best album last year, so naturally I gotta go with the Foos.
Who Will Win: The Foo Fighters have won this category 3 times, so logic dictates they'll win a 4th. But I wouldn't be surprised if you get one of those classic "lifetime achievement award" moments and Jeff Beck wins.

Best Solo Pop Performance... Who Should Win: A lot of good songs in the category this year, but I have feeling this is Adele's year, so "Someone Like You" should win and will win.

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance... Who Should Win: Foster the People's "Pumped Up Kicks" was everywhere this year, and even though the hook sounds an awful lot like "Cleveland Rocks" by Mott the Hoople, I give them the nod.
Who Will Win: I almost went super-snarky and said it would go to Tony Bennett and the late Amy Winehouse, but I think it goes to "Moves Like Jagger."

Best Pop Vocal Album... Who Should Win: Gaga or Adele? Gaga or Adele? I think Lady Gaga should win.
Who Will Win: Gaga or Adele? Gaga or Adele? Adele will win.

Best New Artist (a.k.a. "The Kiss of Death")... Who Should Win: Nicki Minaj. Plain and simple, the biggest splash in music this past year.
Who Will Win: It's the "Kiss of Death", isn't it? Why would I wish that on Nicki Minaj? The Band Perry will win.

Song of the Year... Who Should Win: My heart wants Mumford and Sons to get this one for "The Cave", but I know better. Like I said, it's Adele's year. She should and will win.

Record of the Year... Who Should and Will Win: Again, it's Adele.

Album of the Year... Who Should Win: Uh-oh, it's between Lady Gaga and Adele again. I think we know where this one is headed... "Born This Way" should win.
Who Will Win: Adele.

And speaking of picks, I must also pick the S**** B*** (SOPA/PIPA didn't pass, but I'm not taking any trademark infringement chances), so I'll remind you that I'm 15-9 in picking these games (15-5 when the Bills are not involved), but I took a rare loss last year by picking the Steelers over the Packers. However, I DID pick the Giants over the 18-0 Patriots 4 years ago. Now we have a sort-of rematch tomorrow at the World's Largest Applebees, and looking at the matchup, there is no way I don't take the G-Men to do it again. Giants 34, Patriots 28.